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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blanked him after he cancelled our date, AIBU?

187 replies

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 16:35

New relationship of 6 months.

He can be a bit flaky. I try to be understanding when he's stressed with work / family matters but after him cancelling on me at short notice this morning I'm left feeling sad and unappreciated again (because it isn't the first time, he has form for it)

We won't be able to see one another next week so planned to go for a 'valentines day breakfast' this morning, as we generally can't do Fridays and weekends (children/work) and won't see each other for the next 10 days.

He text me at 7am saying

"I feel like shit today. I just want to get DC into school and get back home to relax before work. How about you take (friend) for breakfast and i'll see you tomorrow if you can do that. Sorry to cancel"

He isn't ill, that isn't what he means. He means he's tired or can't be arsed.

It upset me. I'd made an effort and was excited to see him. He knows Fridays aren't realistic.

I replied "oh thanks a bunch, it's very short notice"

Sorry, he says.

I spent the day feeling sad and unappreciated.

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

No idea when I'll hear from him again and not sure I want to now.

Am I unreasonable and petty or is this perfectly reasonable after being messed around?

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 13/02/2025 18:31

He's used to you being completely accommodating to his flakiness, so I bet he's had a bit of a shock at you just strolling on!

Lavenderblossoms · 13/02/2025 18:36

Just send him packing for his low ball effort.

Not first time he's done this.

He's telling you by action how much he respects you and your time.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/02/2025 18:36

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 17:31

No. I've got enough experience with mornings. There have been morning things in the past that I've ended up bailing out of....I understand that some people are optimistic about getting places.

Show quote history

Fair enough, but a couple of evenings ago OP was on her way to meet him and he cancelled because his brother wanted a favour of some kind. This kind of behaviour is not limited to him being optimistic about how much he can get done in the morning. And this was supposed to be their valentine's day celebration.

Ceramiq · 13/02/2025 18:36

It's hard to know whether this is an issue of both of you having such busy lives that you haven't got enough time to devote to the relationship or whether he doesn't really care enough.

MyDeftDuck · 13/02/2025 18:38

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2025 16:38

Just dump him, 6 months is long enough to know it's not working

This
Tell the berk to f**k off

Bestfootforward11 · 13/02/2025 18:40

Yes I think throw this one back. The blanking him wasn’t necessary but I understand why you did it. Now to have a conversation to explain you want to end things and why. Just be factual and not accusing. Who knows what is going on his head. But you can only respond to what you see ie his behaviour. You can end it with dignity and move on. You deserve better.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:42

Thank you all for your perspectives.

I understand why some of you think I look petty. I was being.

When I say a conversation needs to be had I mean I know I should end it officially, not that I want to get into a discussion about his flakiness.

He knows exactly how I feel about my time being wasted.

If / when he gets in touch I will say I'm done.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 13/02/2025 18:43

Would you be gutted if he doesn't contact you?

Starsandall · 13/02/2025 18:43

He could have invited you there if he was tired etc and just bought breakfast for home. I would be disappointed too. I would see how he plays it now and makes up for it. But offering day/time you can’t do is unrealistic. I feel your pain I have the same juggle with kids, life and feel I end up making more effort.

AlexandrinaH · 13/02/2025 18:44

Moonnstars · 13/02/2025 17:01

Neither of you seem particularly fussed. He couldn't meet today, you then childishly blank him when he does walk over your way.

Don't think this is going anywhere so call it a day

It was a childish move on your part OP. Maybe he genuinely felt bad this morning? It sounds like it’s part of a pattern though, so if it’s not working, stop trying and end it. Life is too short to be miserable.

GravyBoatWars · 13/02/2025 18:44

YANBU as long as you follow up by ending the relationship. Repeatedly fobbing you off like that tells you that he doesn’t care about you as much as you do him, and it isn’t the sort of behavior that improves as a relationship progresses.

But within the context of a relationship, one partner pretending the other is invisible when they’re angry is just toxic. So don’t choose to stay in a relationship where that sort of thing seems like your best option - if you stay in this then your behavior is unreasonable.

Dontsayyouloveme · 13/02/2025 18:45

I wouldn’t have pretended I hadn’t seen him.. I’d have gone over to him and told him to jog on and stop wasting my time.

AlexandrinaH · 13/02/2025 18:46

Colacubegirl · 13/02/2025 17:03

I’m telling you as a mum who also suffers with anxiety and low moods that he isn’t into you the same you are him. Regardless, you always make the effort or want to see your partner. Of course they’ll be occasions like being sick that cant be helped. But he isn’t into you enough to make the effort.

Cancelling on your girlfriend just before you’re meant to meet because you basically cba and would rather chill at home… he obviously hasn’t got time for a girlfriend yet and mentally needs to be alone.

If this isn’t the first time either I would probably end things.

Men and women think differently though - whatever anyone tries to tell you.

Kulwinder54 · 13/02/2025 18:47

It was already bothering you and this was the last straw. Just end it

Sugargliderwombat · 13/02/2025 18:47

Sounds very childish from you. He obviously didn't think you would mind, it's only a breakfast so I'm surprised anyone would care. Fair enough if you do but communicate that, don't just ignore him in the street. I don't think your compatible.

HotCrossBunplease · 13/02/2025 18:52

Surely the issue here is that he cancelled by text? If he was remotely genuine he’d have been on the phone saying “oh I’m so tired” and chatting to you so you could work out an alternative together. Cancelling by text is immature and calculated as a one-way conversation.

You’re meant to be romantic partners for goodness sake.

But you were a bit immature to blank him. What was needed here was for you both to agree to go your separate ways. By text if you prefer, as long as it was clear that you were ending it.

Challenger2A7 · 13/02/2025 18:53

I'd be very suspicious that he's seeing someone else, and drops you when he can see her. He's not worth your time and effort, but you can easily find out if he's really interested in you by dumping him and going No Contact.

Alalalala · 13/02/2025 18:53

Doesn’t sound childish to me so much as the final straw, and you didn’t want to hear his shit for the thousandth time.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:55

I would have been happy going over if he said he wanted to stay in, it wasn't given as an option.

I actually offered to do that initially.

Yesterday evening we were talking about seeing one another before valentines day as we couldn't on the day, I suggested I could go over to his for a couple of hours before he goes to work, he then suggested we go out for breakfast instead.

He definitely wanted to be on his own / not see me at all today.

Low mood and anxiety was mentioned above and that is something that is a factor with him and is why I've been really understanding and accommodating, until now, I really have.

I need to put myself first now as he clearly thinks he has carte blanche to cancel whenever he just cba.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:57

Would I be gutted if I didn't hear from him again? I think I probably would because of how it was left yes, not that I'd let him know that.

I'm not going to text him though. If he texts me I will end things civilly.

OP posts:
bigkahunaburger · 13/02/2025 18:58

I was with someone like this and I binned him off. He was really into me when we were together, multiple messages a day, lots of fawning over me - but he only wanted to make the effort to see me once a fortnight. Wasnt enough for me. So I ended it. He was gutted, and pursued me for quite some time afterwards turning up at my place (it got quite weird), and then I got the ick.

Some women would have been happy with what he was offering, but not me. Sounds like you are the same. You know what you want - hes not giving it so get rid.

RetroTotty · 13/02/2025 19:04

'Low mood and anxiety' does not account for him binning you off for his brother though.

AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 19:07

@Sadorpetty
This:
Shoxfordian · Today 16:38
Just dump him, 6 months is long enough to know it's not working

And this:
Dror · Today 16:39
You're not going to see him for ten days and he openly can't be bothered to see you.
Believe him.
Match his energy and discard him.

YANBU or petty. At six months you should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. Sorry OP, but he's just not that into you. End it and stop torturing yourself - he'll always make you feel "less than". You deserve better - GO AND FIND HIM!

ScribblingPixie · 13/02/2025 19:09

This is only going in one direction, OP. Find someone who values you more highly.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 13/02/2025 19:09

Meh, if he’s like that after six months what’s he going to be like after five years?