To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

You’re right but I suspect she won’t hear it from you. I think I’d just distance myself a little bit and leave it to her family and friends. I wouldn’t be facilitating it either though, can you suggest she phones her GP/ joins a support group/ gets a handyman rather than trying to do all of this yourself?

Of course if she asks your opinion then that’s different, I’d tell her directly that she’s got to try to find a way through.

She needs therapy. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to say her grief over the end of the relationship has become all consuming and you don’t know how to help her or relate to her any more.

She's not going to listen, and sounds kind of mental. How you deal with that is up to you.

she sounds as if she needs therapy and possibly anti depressants

She'll work it out for herself once the wedding photos are out there (or baby ones). Unless he's so careful to not be seen as leaving for another woman that she never finds out.

I don't know. 8 months isn't that long - her entire future/imagined life was pulled away from underneath her. Divorce is brutal. A friend of mine doesn't really care about himself anymore since his wife divorced him. They'd been married decades, and he looks as though he will never get over it.

That said, you are not obliged to listen to hours long talks about this and see it 10x per day on SM.

You have to handle it how it's best for you. Lessen contact, suggest therapy (although I suspect that will prolong things in her case as it'll encourage her to talk more about it, when all has been said lots and lots of times)

Ten posts a day about him on Facebook alone is a very big worry. It really sounds like she needs professional help.

No yanbu. I have a friend who is similar and it is absolutely cringeworthy to watch.

And tbh if I were the ex I’d knock the custody arrangement with the dog on the head.

Custody of children is one thing, custody of pets, not a chance, and I adore my animals, but there’s no way I would be sharing custody with an ex.

If they don’t have children the ex would do better off to just block her and move on.

8 months is still really raw and I gather she’s still going through the process.

Also is x coming round for “joint dog custody” isn’t helping her to move on either really.
However that doesn’t make it any less draining to be around. I’d suggest that you quietly unfollow or snooze or fb for a bit and limit interactions maybe. That said I feel for her

Agree with this.

On one hand, 8 months isn't very long to get over a divorce. I'm 6 months on from leaving my husband and it all still feels very fresh.

But on the other hand, her reaction seems very over the top and it sounds like she needs some help for her mental health.

Well I'd start by unfollowing her on social media so you don't have to see all that shit. You can do it so you don't actually unfriend her. That way she is only annoying when you see her! Beyond that you maybe have to either not see her as much or tell her that your friendship is starting to feel a bit onesided - she doesn't seem to have any interest in you. Or maybe you could try and do activities when you meet up? Keep busy rather than just chatting. Cinema is ideal 😂

She sounds unwell. 10 posts a day?! That's very troubling.

I don't think there is anything you can do.
This isn't for you to solve.

Tell her you care about her very much but you've a lot going on at the moment and hope you can catch up in the future, once she's ready to move forward.

how long were they married for?

i think the publicness of her grief is a bit much re the facebook posts, but still being visibly heart broken is within the range of normalcy. it sounds like she needs some extra support

Recommend she get therapy and unfollow her on Facebook.

Posting her heartbreak ten times a day on Facebook is really abnormal, and honestly quite mental. Also, she clearly has self worth issues if she's willing to humiliate herself to her ex like this, as you say they're still Facebook friends.

When people behave like mental cases there's not much anyone can do. She won't listen. If you do bring it up she'll probably have a melt down.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

My dm was a bit like this 40 years ago.
Obviously no sm so she got attention by taking overdoses until I got tough and called her bluff by telling her to crack on if that's what she wanted. I felt horrible doing so but I'd been called to A&E or ICU 3 times by then.
She then progressed to unsuitable male friends and other drama.
I think it took 5 years before she really accepted it so you could be in for a long haul op.

I think it’s fine to have a gentle but honest conversation with her. Something like:

“I care about you so much, and I can see how much pain you’re in, but I think it might help to start shifting focus a little bit. I’ll always be here to listen when you need me, but it’s also important for us to talk about other things and enjoy our time together. I’d love to hear more about how you’re doing outside of this, or we could talk about what’s going on in my life too.”

I'm trying to write it in a way that you’re not invalidating her feelings but are gently encouraging her to broaden the scope of your conversations and therefore her thoughts..

You've already been a great friend, so it's ok to prioritise your own mental health and boundaries.

Something else you could try is suggesting she speak to a professional. Therapy could really help her process everything and give her tools to cope with her heartbreak in a more productive way. Maybe you could help her to make that step.

I currently have 2 people in my life going through divorce and yes it is so utterly boring and draining. They want the world to know they're divorcing & they act as though they're the first people on the planet to be going through it.
I feel like telling them to get a grip & get over it. Why would you pine for someone who has outright told you they don't love you anymore. Especially the whole Facebook status shite, one of them is notorious for it and I cringe everytime I see their name pop up on the feed. Embarrassing. 😳

Why is she letting him see her so vulnerable? Doesn't she realise that if he's seeing someone new, they will be looking at her profile, too?

Unfollow her on social media for a start.

She won’t want to hear this, but this could’ve been a reason for the split, she sounds exhausting, imagine this was a woman on here saying her DP was like this? She’d get told to get rid of the man-child.

she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

Eight months isn’t really that long, but I’d distance yourself a bit, or suggest she needs therapy?

Having been through similar... 8 months is still early days, especially if it came out of the blue for her. The shock is hard and she will still be reeling. Life will not always feel this way but she won't be able to see that yet.

I would direct her to the 'Runaways Husbands' book and website. There is also a private Facebook page which I found very helpful. Tell her to read the 'healing' section https://www.runawayhusbands.com/about. It won't feel like it now but she will recover in time. It took me a couple of years. Finding a new hobby also helped me a great deal. She may find some counselling helpful.

I do agree with your suspicion that he probably has met someone else but she will need to come around to that possibility in her own time.

"Why would you pine for someone who has outright told you they don't love you anymore."

What a bizarre comment, have you never been dumped or something?

I think I could handle the still raw grief in person, but I couldn’t cope with all the Facebook drama. Calling out people she feels aren’t being good to her is unfair.
You don’t have to defriend her but you can unfollow her posts.
She needs therapy by the sounds of it, but that will only work if she can see her issues are unhealthy.
She is probably more obsessed with the loss now, than she is still in love with her ex. He definitely needs to unfriend her and keep a distance.

You sound like a great friend and she is lucky to have you in her corner.
Definitely snooze her on fb though.

If her way of facing the world is so passive and unbalanced and she's focussed on being a victim then surely she needs to get professional help to refocus, learn resilience and a way forward. All her friends will get bored and drop her if she keeps this stance as a long term view.

I don't think the shared dog care helps her situation. Her DH needs to fully sever the relationship for her benefit as it's feeding into her hopes he'll realise his mistake and come back and rescue her from needing to adult.

I had a friend whose DW was very childlike and ditzy too (as a learned behaviour) and in the end he just got fed up with "parenting" her and married much later on someone who was more outward looking and his equal.