To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

She is experiencing a huge loss.
Talking to a grief therapist might help her - though nothing will bring back the marriage.

YANBU she does need to get a grip (therapy and medication) it's a toughie because she is unhinged and you don't know how she'll react- she sounds rather selfish imo. Can see why her hubby wants a divorce! Lucky escape!!

Sorry, her wife

To some people it is. I feel for your friend but I understand how you feel too. It can be overwhelming having to listen to someone's grief constantly. I think you've done what you can . All the suggestions given seem fair, to you. I hope she has at least one friend or relative who can still help her deal with it.

She needs help don't abandon her tell her the truth. Tell her you are her friend and you need to tell her the truth she has to get control.

I can’t believe so many people can’t see her side- you marry someone and you think you’ve your person for life! It’s an awful shock to the system. I don’t get upset as I did (not separated yet but going through the motions), but I was absolutely in a pit for a while and it’s impossible to see outside that- you literally can’t believe that other people are happy and that life is going on outside your misery.

Ps I wish everyone above had posted whether they were split from people or not because if not then it’s difficult to understand

I posted from the viewpoint of my ex-husband having an affair with someone I thought was a close friend.
The OP is still not being a bad friend. You can only do so much.

I agree she needs counselling.

Are the people saying she has shit friends willing to provide that kind of support themselves?

I agree with those saying the dog custody thing needs to end. A decision has to be made re one person or other keeping the dogs and that’s that. The two of them need to cut ties completely- Facebook as well — and never see each other for her to get over it.

I can’t believe all the grief you are getting on here. It’s so draining dealing with a friend like yours and it seems you are at the end of how much energy you can keep giving her. I would be too & I consider myself a good friend. I agree to pull back a little, when you do meet give her a while of talking about the ex & then say can we shelf this convo for today & concentrate on other things. It will do her good not to spend entire times together focusing on him. Find common ground & subjects that are positive for you both. Friend ship works both ways and letting her dwell whilst together is not as kind as changing the direction of focus & conversation. You need to be firm with her & say let’s change the subject. I think a firm but kind hand & manner is needed her. You are not a counsellor you are a friend & now it’s time to try and help her focus on other subjects. Good luck

you literally can’t believe that other people are happy and that life is going on outside your misery.

But even in the depths of grief do you think that’s a reasonable viewpoint?

OP, I don’t think you’re being totally unreasonable here. It definitely rings alarm bells that she has said she doesn’t WANT to get over it, and the posting for attention on social media would also drive me up the wall.

At the same time, I have been through a divorce and it is a MAJOR adverse life event, really it is right up there if you look at the official list of things that human beings scientifically find most stressful in life at number two, right after death of a spouse.

www.dartmouth.edu/eap/library/lifechangestresstest.pdf

Because it’s so common now in our society and because some people as you describe seem to handle it well, I think most people who haven’t been through it themselves completely underestimate the life-shattering impact it has on people. Just because it’s an everyday tragedy, it’s still a tragedy in that person’s life and will really affect them. It’s no surprise that at only 8 months in your friend is still preoccupied with it all. I am over a decade down the line and I still feel the aftershocks from it. It affects so much in your life as well, not just your love life, including as you said finances and for her, her dogs etc.

I would give it at least a year personally before trying to have a frank conversation with her about it all, other than to maybe gently challenge the declarations of zero intention to get over it which does not bode well. It is normal for her to be somewhat self-centred at this time though maybe not to quite the extent she is

It’s ok for you to not want to continue to spend hours and hours talking over it all though, and not unreasonable that you would like to be able to talk about your own problems too etc. I think as others have said in your shoes and given that she has other sources of support I would try to be a bit “busy” for a while and when you do meet, try to gently steer the conversation away from her ex husband after a while.

I probably was a bit like this around my divorce though not quite to your friend’s extent, and it was much more complex given that we have a child and he had been abusive and there was child custody stuff going on etc. And I do have bipolar disorder which doesn’t help. But my friends eventually started saying things like “let’s try to just have some fun tonight and avoid depressing topics” or “I am banning you from mentioning (ex) tonight” (in a lighthearted tone kind of thing, but I also knew they meant it 🤣). I started to remember that other people also had lives and problems and would try to make more of an effort to ask about them and be supportive to them too. I’d definitely say the absolute shock of it all took about a year to wear off though and up until then I was more self-centred than I’d ever been in my life, not intentionally so, I’m not at all a selfish person or a bad friend generally, but at that time my own problems just seemed so huge I couldn’t see past them at all.

How is that everyone else's problem though??!

You have gone above and beyond what most people would do even for a very good friend.
Can’t believe the people giving you grief would do more. I got divorced a very long time ago, discovered my ex was having an affair with a close friend of mine. I was devastated. I confided in one good friend but most of the time just pretended I was fine, although my divorce was before social media I wouldn’t have wanted word to get back to them that I was an emotional wreck. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it!

Yes!!!!

but even if they haven't been through a long-term relationship ending, most people have been through something equally, or more upsetting/traumatic during the course of their lives. There aren't many people who have never had a break up or bereavement.

I've got to say that no matter what has happened in my life, I've never been so myopic and selfish to be literally unable to understand that other, unrelated people are "happy and that life is going on outside your misery." That's taking being self-centered to an extreme. Talk about main character syndrome.

Exactly this. I haven’t been through a divorce but I have experienced parental loss, childhood trauma, violent abuse and now care for a sick son whilst working FT - I wouldn’t dream of using it to play grief top trumps!

I've never been so myopic and selfish to be literally unable to understand that other, unrelated people are "happy and that life is going on outside your misery." That's taking being self-centered to an extreme. Talk about main character syndrome.

Agree. And what if I decided to say “My son is ill, life is awful, look at you friend with your child free life I can’t believe other people don’t have what I have and aren’t as miserable as me”. Who wins?

Op this has all happened in the last year hasn’t it? Or is it longer?

She sounds like she is codependent and in that case she will feel like her world has ended. Hypnotherapy can be really useful in these situations to help tell the subconscious mind to let go. I used it myself for other things and it has amazed me in how it changed my life for the good ☺️

The dog custody arrangement is playing a significant part in her inability to move on. To still be seeing each other twice a week after 8 months is unhealthy and one would think in most cases that arrangement would have burned out. But then look at Ant McPartlin and his ex - he refused to give her full custody of their dog either - some people just can't do the bigger thing and walk away.

Apologies if i missed it but have divorce proceedings actually progressed in the last 8 months? If not, is this making her think there's still hope on a misguided level?

8 months

I used hypnotherapy for my fear of heights and OMG it was like a miracle solution!

No there’s been no formal action on the divorce

I didn’t know about Ant and his ex. Some people are so strange!

By way of an update I’ve spoken to a mutual friend in a “I’m worried about Emma” way. She is worried too. When we get an opportunity we are gonna have a chat about what to do, if we do indeed do anything