To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

When I was on FB I used to get notifications when friends posted, assuming that is still the case?

She won't listen and she won't change. How you proceed is up to you

She sounds like a bit of an attention seeker.

You couldn't be more right but I doubt she will stop.

@Madeinbuck I think so. I ditched FB years ago, but that's what I recall, dots or numbers. You only had to click on FB once to get all the notifications and once you clicked them they opened up. It's been a while though, so not sure if that's still the case.

I think it’s a case of reframing things and having boundaries. I agree with those suggesting that you limiting venting time, and spend more time talking about solutions, or spending time doing activities where he is not the centre of focus.

Framing it as wanting to be a better friend by helping her move on rather than helping her stay stuck in a really bad place.

Are there any interests that she has had previously that she could reignite in order to build her self esteem and sense of self away from being in a couple.

I agree that her ex is doing her zero favours with the whole staying Facebook friends/dog custody thing. Any idea why he’s not made a clean break?

I wouldn't bother with the "get a grip" message - you'll only end up on her FB Shit List. But next time you arrange to meet definitely tell her that you don't want to talk about her ex because it's bloody depressing and you want to enjoy your lunch.

I think you need to be kinder. I've been in this situation alongside my ex and OW making my life an absolute misery. 8 months is no time at all. She's grieving. You find yourself being very repetitive and needing to talk a lot. You definitely become self absorbed. My friends were amazingly patient with me while I worked through it. I have lent the same support to a friend who would ring me for 2 hours every night and repeat everything she said the night before. It was fine, I got it.

If you feel you can't offer further support it might be kinder to tell her. She's in denial (and I agree he's probably met somebody else) and her whole life has been turned upside down. It took me a good five years to come to terms with and 11 years on I remain single because I can't risk it happening again. It's life changing in so many ways.

I don't think her grief is unreasonable: divorce is very tough and she feels what she feels. It can take people years to recover from something like this.

I do, however, think she needs after eight months of this to start considering the impact that her very public grief has both on her friends and on herself. She needs to learn to start presenting herself in the best and bravest way. Both because it's not fair to constantly make this other people's problems and because she will sabotage herself with this behaviour over the long term. Getting over a severe setback like this requires strength and courage: there's a time for self-pity but it can't go on for ever. Endlessly posting on social media about it will massively corrode what public support she ever had and damage her own mental health.

If she's still really struggling with this she should seek professional help: I think at this point you're well within your rights to sit her down and say you are her friend and you love her but you need some boundaries: she either stops endlessly going on about it under her own steam and fakes it until she makes it or she gets professional help, but that you won't just take hours of this without complaint any more.

She sounds like she's deeply unhappy and grieving. Christ the lack of empathy on here.

It sounds like she's used to getting her own way (learned helplessness/the "damsel in distress") but for once it isn't working. In your shoes I'd probably message to say that you are sorry but you recognise that she needs more help than you're able to give, and direct her to how to find some help.

I had a friend like this, went through an awful break-up and I felt truly sorry for her. But when she was several years down the line and still turning every meet up into a therapy session (which usually ended in her being drunk and crying), I just couldn't do it any more. Covid provided a natural break in our friendship and I was quietly glad of it.

She's not wrong to be upset, but she shouldn't be using you as a therapist and completely monopolosing the conversation re the divorce. Posting on FB multiple times a day is not good either.
It sounds like she has unrealistic expectations., asking her ex in for wine and to watch a film as well. She just needs to cut off from him really, dogs or no dogs.

I mean this with kindness but for your friend 8 months is nothing particularly if she thought that they were working on things. She sounds like a person who can not cope well with hard things at the best of times.

I personally would ignore the facebook posts. I might say to friend something like:

X I hate to see you so distressed and I feel that I am unable to give you the support you need maybe you should seek support from a counsellor or your GP.

I think I would except that she will be talking about her ex everytime you meet up for a while and keep those meetings short. I would suggest meeting for a movie rather than a meal etc.

Again, posting ten times a day on Facebook, knowing her ex will see it, is not normal. Yes, she could easily be grieving after 8 months, but this is attention seeking and dramatic and unhealthy.

And regardless, you're not a counsellor and you're certainly not her counsellor, so it's not for you to try to figure out what's going on with her.

I can only say I'd be muting her on FB, saying nothing and taking a step back because you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't, and she is clearly very low in self awareness.

Yeah this. This really won't be helping her.

The social media thing is so cringe. Id be tempted to ask if her employers van see her posts - they are making jer look unhinged. And yes to an extent Im sure this has unhinged her, but surely as far as her "general public"is concerned she's got to fake it till she makes it.

As a true friend I think you should be telling her some of what you think, clearly couched in terms that she is harming herself and you can't watch for ever.. If she gets mad honestly I'd say 'well thats up to you but I am going to have to protect myself now' and leave her to it -- albeit making clear the door is open to her when she has stopped harming herself, because you find it overwhelming and you are sucked dry now.

You could just pull back a bit, mute her on fb so you don't see the posts. Take longer to respond to texts, don't meet up in person for a while. She sounds like she's spiralling and likely you'll end up in an argument if you bring it up. However if you're finding it emotionally draining it's fine to remove yourself for a while.

I would see if I could try and sit her down and signpost her to a professional.
If he had dumped her out of the blue and they were incredibly happy, I'd understand this level of reaction/grief, even after 8 months. But they had already been in trouble for over a year before that, and honestly, the fact that she's posting on fb saying her life is over still means that she's got something deeper going on here. Breakups can be absolutely horrendous, grief is it's own beast, but at the same time - breakups are a part of adult life, and are normal, and they are always a possibility when you fall in love with someone, and the fact she doesn't seem to have even the tiniest bit of grip on the fact that people break up and it sucks but you do need to make attempts move on and try to accept it at all after 8 months would be really concerning to me. I am absolutely not saying 'breakups happen all the time so she's allowed to be a bit sad but she needs to get over it' at ALL, to be very clear - but there's a loss of touch with reality here that would be really making me worried about that it has triggered an underlying condition, trauma etc, and for that she needs a professional. This is a really extreme reaction.

I have to be on fb multiple times a day (manage several social media accounts/groups for others)...

Yes, you get a list of notifications, so if WhinyFriend posts ten different posts, you'll be shown a notification for each one.

You can try to stop it showing you content from certain people but without actually muting them or snoozing them or whatever thats now called, you can't really stop it and the posts will appear on your timeline as well as the notification list.

Even if you only go on FB once a day, you'd still see all this.

@JandamiHash you're not unreasonable to think she should belt up a bit and be working to get past it/learn how to live with it, no.

Thinking that there is any way to be nice and diplomatic with someone like this though, yeah, thats never going to happen. She actively wants to be miserable and this is now 'her thing'. That won't change until she wants it to.

Depends if you’ve ‘followed’ that person, it’s easy done and then yeah you’ll get alerts - they can thankfully be turned off!

8 months isn't long in the overall scheme of things. My first marriage broke up as hubby initially said he had fallen out of love with me, but it transpired a few months later he was seeing someone else.

From my personal experience, I was not "over it" at 8 months. It was still a mixture of all-consuming shock/grief, anger, desire for vengeance. But I had got to the stage by that point that I could put it to one side and concentrate on other people and what they had to say and function as a rational human being. Having seen someone else, first hand, responding as your is, I was aware how draining it was for other people.

I still went home and cried after a night out, but I was able to go and not constantly talk about it.

If I were you, having been there myself, I would cut her some slack but at the same time I would have thought she would be starting to show signs of the initial shock/grief diminishing, and anger and self preservation starting to kick in. A conversation, when the opportunity presents itself, about some counselling sessions, to talk it through would be good.

"I really think you need to talk to your therapist about all this if it's still so upsetting for you. I can't keep doing this."

Blimey! How old is she??

Probably a question of you putting up some boundaries at this point rather than telling her to rein it in. Easier said than done but protect yourself as well as you can.