To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

I think gently and nicely, you need to tell her that she needs therapy to come to terms with her husband leaving, and subsequent divorce. Tell her that you have tried your absolute best to help and support her, but her emotional needs are passed your abilities. I would then distance yourself from her, and not being available to listen to her talk endlessly on the phone etc about her ex. In all honesty having to see him, regarding their shared dogs, is not helping her emotionally at all. It's just prolonging the agony, and giving her opportunities to try and reel him back in (which he very clearly doesn't want). You aren't a bad friend at all, please don't feel guilty. When someone is overwhelmingly needy, and self-absorbed, it's draining.

I think it can be done kindly - it is obviously in her best interests if her ex is taking up less of her thoughts and energy. A cleaner break would be the absolute best thing for her and by listening to it endlessly, you are kind of enabling the obsession to carry on. You don't have to tell her how bad it is for everyone else or how weird her FB now is, you can completely centre her in the conversation.

Could you say something like "right, I hate seeing you like this, he is taking up too much space in your head and you are letting him, I'll help you try for a cleaner break, lets make a plan!"

Then encourage her to delete him from SM, have scheduled limits on talking about him, do things together that keep her busy without talking, like the cinema, be the dog-dropping round go between for a few weeks. Find her a few evening classes on bike or car maintenance or DIY or anything a little bit empowering.

Talk to her about how you can help, that isn't just listening to it, you can say that it clearly isn't helping her to talk about him so much.

Point her in the direction of the '180 method', which is really intended for those who want their spouse to come back. Regardless of that intent, changing what she is doing and how she interacts with everyone, including social media is needed for her own mental health and to help her move on with her life. Hopefully if she can do this, she learns to focus on herself and then if he decides he isn't done, by that point, she is.

I talked alot about my divorce I spent nearly every free weekend for a year at my best friends house. I say openly to them and about them they helped me keep my sanity. About 3 yrs later when starting to date my dear cousin said… I really don’t think you should still be talking about your divorce with new relationships male or female and she was correct. 8 months is early. Facebooking to me is a terrible coping mechanism but she must feel comforted by it. I would definetly unfriend her posts and if asked why say…I’m here for you in real time but I’m not comfortable with your posting style. If she’s truly a good friend try to ride this out with her. It’s grief and grief looks different for everyone

i had a friend like this, she became so wrapped up in the sorrow and self pity of it all that she could only see EVERY event in her life through this lens.

she gradually lost friends one by one as they couldnt indulge this havisham act anymore, the tipping point came a good ten years after the divorce when she spent her sons wedding day crying because her and her husband "should be together side by side for it" and it also reminded her of her own wedding

i had to cut off then.

Whilst telling her to get is sterling advice it will fall on deaf ears and give her another drama where her friend is turning on her

I know this isn’t the point but….how does anyone not know where the boiler is? Is she the Duchess of somewhere with a huge mansion and a boiler buried in a boiler house ? Or is she just a bit ‘poor me’? And why should you know where her boiler is?

off to finish the painting now….

There’s a middle ground here. I’d still be supportive of her heartbreak but I’d give her an hour of the meet-up to wallow and then I’d start to talk about ways she can begin to rebuild her life.

if she couldn’t engage with even beginning to think about ways to
move forward (after she’d had time
to vent) then I’d think she was in need of professional support.

She is clearly deeply traumatised and not able to think or act rationally. She needs proper mental health support. I'd strongly encourage her to get this - tell her you simply don't have the skills or knowledge to help her and she needs to find someone who can.

She's going to end up with no friends as well as no husband if she doesn't get proper help to process this and rebuild herself.

She's stuck in grief and needs therapy. I would suggest counselling and don't indulge her as much in her off loading.

I wouldn't tell her to get over it as it won't help but maybe take a step back from the friendship for now as it must draining

The Facebook thing sounds very annoying. It probably doesn’t help that her FB “friends” are acting like an echo chamber and telling her what she wants to hear. She’s getting the validation from them to wallow in misery.

I can understand she is still in pain though. How old is she? Are you certain the no children thing was a joint decision between them and not one sided?

She needs therapy as it has completely consumed her, I think that is what I would gently suggest in your shoes.

I think you need to stop being her Knight in Shining Armor for a start and let her begin to rescue herself. She’s not going to learn how until she’s given the chance.

How about encouraging her to see a counsellor? Tell her that you are very sorry, but you don't feel equipped to support her in the way she needs it.Maybe arrive with some names. And potentially even that you would rather that conversation was not so consistently and dominantly part of your and her conversation together.

Tell her you do noot wish to discuss her marriage/divorce arrangements, anyway it's none of your business to advise way or the other, she could turn around and blame you if things went pear-shaped. Discretion is the better part of valour.

I think yanbu after so long to want to have a change of record. I would be less available to meet up or not answer phone calls until you feel like it. The problem lies with her not you or any if the other "shit friends", who in desperation have moved away.
She needs professional help to move on.
For your own sanity move to arms length for now.... you are feeding an endless self pity pit

Someone needs to have a discreet word with the ex and tell him to let her have the dogs and stop going round there, it's clearly giving her mixed messages.

I can understand heartbreak but what I can't understand is using up your friends emotional bandwidth. Even if I was utterly distraught after a couple of months I would have enough self awareness to not implicate my friends to the point where they feel I'm not listening to their problems. YANBU

It sounds like you've never suffered a grief bad enough to last 8 months, how lucky for you.

When it happens to you then you will expect your friends to stick around.

Patience is a virtue.

Would you suggest her Employee Assistance Programme for counselling ?

I know I couldn’t listen to any of that for even 10 minutes, I have way too much going on, my own son is very sick, plus some other major life stresses that are very heavy, so even though I think I’m a good friend, I just couldn’t give her the air.

I would have to say ‘I think maybe you should go talk to someone who can help you with some solutions’ because she is just using you like a human voice note now. you don’t have to listen anymore, especially as it seems to not be solving anything. I don’t think she could take on board any suggestions or criticisms anyway. She needs professional help.

Id suggest counselling to her and back away. Good luck x

Is she the needy kind who will latch onto someone else's husband?

The very first thing you need to do is mute her on FB. That's the easy win here.

On the rest, clearly she is not going to be over it after 8 months. But I think it would be reasonable to say to her, I've had a hard time recently with DS chronic condition and I hoped we could talk about that, you could give me some support. It's been a lot and it would help to discuss it with a friend. Then try and make sure you stay on that topic for a sustained period, and see what happens.

I suspect she will move from deep grief straight to deep love with another poor sap who will change her lightbulbs and put her bins out for her, without gaining any independent living skills in the interim...

If she was a “damsel in distress” during their marriage, then it isn’t very surprising that she’s also dealing with the divorce the same way.

I imagine there are several issues here. Firstly, the FB thing and trying to make her ex stay during dog handover time suggest that she’s trying to do whatever she can to get some kind of reaction from him, or feel like she’s still holding some kind of power over him (even if it doesn’t work). Until she starts to accept that he isn’t coming back, this won’t change, and I imagine he is somewhat enabling her behaviour by still being kind etc. Until he turns on her, unfortunately it’s unlikely to really stop.

Secondly, the obsession with talking about it with you and others. As others have said, she’ll probably just get angry and dramatic if you suggest you don’t want to listen anymore. If you really still want to be friends, I’d probably handle it by meeting up to do things, rather than have a coffee/drink/dinner where the only activity is talking. So things like going bowling, going to the gym, taking up a new hobby together, that kind of thing.

Sadly she won't be able to just switch off her obsessive grief like a tap, just because it's annoying you, or others. If only it were that simple. Not that you're wrong for finding it intolerable almost.

I remember when I thought my relationship was over. I literally acted crazy. Crying, posting loads of self pittying stuff on FB, really unpleasant for others to have to deal with. But I couldn't have stopped if I tried. Some friends did permanently keep their distance.

I'm glad that many did stick by me though. But I knew I did need to shut up else I'd alienate everyone.

It's really hard and by all means tell her you'll meet up, but speaking about her ex is off the cards.
Hopefully she will eventually move on.