To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

Nobody is saying she can't be in pain. But OP doesn't have to become an emotional dumping ground over and over again, that's not fair.

I think that comment was made by someone with a decent sense of self-worth actually

OP, I think you need to try and advise your friend to find a healthier way of dealing with it all. I get it’s draining for you, really I do - but it can’t be helping her either.

Your friend may be devastated for a long time, grief at a breakup takes people different ways, but broadcasting the fact 10 times a day on social media is unlikely to make her feel any better. I'd unfollow her as probably at least some of her other friends will. When you meet in real life it may be time to say that you don't think mulling over and over what's happened is helping her and you're getting depressed with hearing it because there's nothing you can say or do to help.

I hear what you're saying but I think you're not understanding the devastation that a divorce wreaks and has on her.

It was my choice to divorce but what has been the struggle is getting over what he did to cause the need for the divorce.

I had ready stepped right back from a friend due to something unrelated she had said but what she said since has told me she's no friend, she has no understanding and I know she'll think I'm wrong. But I'm not.

Divorce for a woman who put a man on a pedestal to that extent, not to be able to change a bulb???? is going to be very distressing, for sure

@ThejoyofNC I agree. I told OP to tell her kindly she was not able to offer support. I was very lucky with the support I had and I've paid it forward several times. It doesn't mean that OP has to. However, there is no need to minimise how deeply painful it is with "get a grip".

Sounds kind of mental? Fucking hell that is brutal.

It actually is. A bereavement, divorce and moving house are the top three stresses.

If you're saying that having self-worth means you don't pine, I'm not sure I agree. When you love someone and think that they're loving and caring and decent and love you too, and then they tell you that they don't love you and generally behave in a way that shows them to be the complete opposite, you're going to experience a sense of bereavement and mourning and you'll miss the person you thought you had. That doesn't mean you don't have self-worth.

I do agree, though, that OP's friend seems a bit stuck and possibly past what most people would consider a tolerable level of grief at this point.

She's not that aware. My sense is that she doesn't accept that it's over and that by posting about how heartbroken she is she's hoping/believing that he will take pity on her and come back.

And because she's not accepting that it's finished she's not yet ready to start getting over it.

“Linda this isn’t healthy. I really think you need to seek some help”

And help her research therapists.

They need the shared custody of the dogs to stop and have a clean break. And unfriend on everything, it isn't helping.

Yes, I don't think she's done herself any favours with the pathetic little woman act. Can't abide women like that who set the cause of feminism back about fifty years.

I think 8 months is normal, and yes I think her level of heartbreak is on the more extreme end but I still think these things hit some people harder (I don't want to throw ND around like sweeties but the inability to regulate or stabilise emotions is quite common). But the constant posting on FB is helpful to no one - if she can go cold turkey on that I think that alone would be super helpful.

I guess you need to decide how much you can take of the endless dwelling about him. She probably needs the outlet but these things can also become addictive and it may be just continuing the cycle. I wonder how much she'll listen even if you do say something outright.

I did tell my friend who had a similar issue. She didn’t change, I went low contact, she didn’t change so I went nc.

I would say that you are so worried about her and she should see a counsellor and that for her own sake, when you do meet, you should limit talking about the ex for a period of time, fifteen mins for example as you have read that that will help her moving forward etc. It will help her and it will help you!

I would put her on temp mute on fb so you can't see all she posts. 8 months isn't that long and it will be a shock to the system especially if she couldn't change a lightbulb for herself. The future she thought she had has gone.
I think it is ok to wallow in your own misery for a while - but it sounds like it has become a habit for her. I would suggest she tries counselling -someone qualified who is paid to listen and can offer strategies she is less likely to throw back at them. She is obviously hoping for a reconciliation so these dog meets are setting her back from a clean break.
I would say to her - when you need to talk about your life - I realise it is all still fresh for you but I would like to discuss x with you.

Aw, that was a lovely thing your dad did for you.

What a good idea. I guess with YouTube and the internet it can all be found out - but the words of wisdom that came with your booklet are priceless.

It honestly can be as bad. With death, it is final, there is no changing it. It can, for some people, be easier to accept.

The Kubler-Ross model is equally applicable. It sounds like she is stuck somewhere between bargaining and depression, which is very, very normal, particularly if the divorce itself isn't being progressed by her husband. Each phase of that process can push people backwards again.

If you can't offer her the support she needs, it is ok to say that to her.

Heh, well, that's certainly fair

Off-topic, but can I just say your dad is a star?

By the by but I had a tenant who was like that- just separating and it was clear she’d never done anything around the house, came from a culture where she had servants in her parents’ home and then got married. She’d ring me saying “ the light is broken send someone to fix it” I’d go round, lo and behold the bulb just needed changing ( she couldn’t figure how to). Or the cooker is broken ( no, the rings are clogged with grease). She was high maintenance.

Did you read the OP?