To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

It sounds to me like she is trying to win him back- if he is still on her FB friends all those posts might be aimed at him. I'd say she is falling back on the persona she had in the earlier days of their marriage, which he presumably fell for once upon a time, doubling down to get his attention and sympathy. The joint pet custody routine fits this theory IMO.

Or

Your friend has suffered a living bereavement and is working through her stages of grief- with Acceptance still some way off. If her DH had died you would expect her to be in the depths still, starting to emerge into something like normality in another 12-18 months.

Either way, very hard on you, @JandamiHash . And sadly, if you are the one propping her up at her lowest point, don't be too surprised if she turns against you once she is back on her feet.

Thanks all - she has had therapy in the past and is on a waiting list and she’s on anti depressants.

I think I will unfollow her, although I don’t get a notification if she posts anything it just pops up on my feed!

With a friend like you, who needs enemies!? Jesus, I hope no one ever thinks of you like that when they're going through a traumatic, life changing experience like a divorce.

Sorry but a break up is not comparable to a death

Eight months isn't that long given her obvious love for him, her reliance on him, and her belief that the relationship was salvageable.

Eventually the ex will say that he’s “recently met someone” and the new partner will be launched. At that point it will feel more real and she might be able to move forward, after the initial shock of hearing that he’s in a relationship.

In your position, if I knew him well enough I’d advise him to stop visiting the dogs. He would miss them enormously but it’s doing her no good. Obviously, it depends on your relationship with him - i appreciate that in many cases it would feel like inappropriate interference.

I think it’s ok for you to tell her kindly that she’s looking a bit foolish on Facebook and should keep her own counsel. It’s likely that many of her friends have unfollowed her, though. I doubt her ex is still seeing the posts.

She’ll need support when he announces that he’s with someone though.

Well she obviously did think of me. but our friendship is consumed by her ex and I’m no longer a person in this friendship. Is that ok?

She has a new job - "professional wallower". Until she hands in her notice, she won't listen to a word you say.

However, YOU can decide how you react to her actions. Unfollowing and not being as available may give her a hint.

@JandamiHash Isn't the solution obvious? Get her to start a thread on here! She can emotion dump and she'll get the support for a quick boost, then as she bangs on, inevitably other posters will give her the kick up the arse she needs and you don't have to be the bad guy 😇

Oh and I’ve said a few times to knock the dog custody thing on the head but apparently neither of them can live without the dogs! I’ve said I think it would be easier to just cut ties completely there’s no reason to have each other in their lives except for the dogs and it just prolongs the pain

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way
Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

Neither. Don’t say anything but limit your involvement with her, both in length of meetings and in frequency, for now

But she doesn't want to cut ties - that is the point. She is feeding off of the attention. The more you and others give her, the "happier" she is

Oh and they’ve been married for 13 years, together for I think about 16. But since lockdown it’s gone downhill - the ex had one foot out the door since then really

she asked you how to find the boiler???

bad enough to be asked how to work it, (and unless you have the exact same one surely google would be better placed) but they aren't exactly small! Who doesn't know where the boiler is in their own home?! And why would a friend who had never been to your new place have a better idea than you?!

I agree with the poster who queried whether her behaviour wasn't part of the reason he left. I know everyone has different relationships but I'd feel like I was looking after a child rather than being in a romantic relationship between two competent adults.

even if he didn't meet another woman at his new hobby it probably gave him experience of more independent interesting women and was instrumental in some way to opening his eyes about his own relationshop

No, by choice

I don’t like to ask but I do wonder if my friend’s helplessness was a factor in the break up. I know I couldn’t be arsed having to look after someone like that. One of the best things my dad ever did for me (though I did a monumental eye roll at the time being a know it all teenager) was shortly before I went to Uni gave me a little booklet he’d made of things to learn - things like how to find a stop cock, how to wire a plug, how to hang a picture, how to change a tyre, what to do in a power cut etc. I still have it!! And he told me to never ever be dependent on anyone else for this or allow them to be dependent on me.

She does yes

I am sorry OP but I think YABU, however, I think her family should be her sounding board for all her woes not you. It can take some people a long time to get over a break up.

It took my DSIS a good 2 years to get over her divorce - more or less the same length of marriage and no DC.

She catastrophized a lot. We always said, moan to us not your friends (as she was constantly moaning) and we didn't want her mates to get sick of her.

Maybe I'm weird but I personally sometimes go ahead and check my friends' profiles. Because I won't necessarily get a notification whenever they post something and I like to know how they're doing and what they're up to. Because they're my friends. Perhaps OP does that too?

Some say they would have coped better if their partner had died. That way they wouldn't have the rejection and betrayal.

I really feel for your friend. It may take her years to get over.

For me it was worse. Until you've been through something like that, you haven't a clue. It's life ruining and I speak as somebody who has experienced a lot of loss.

Personally, I'd get in touch to let her know that you'll be quiet for the next few weeks as things are full on family-wise. To soften the blow, I'd signpost any resources or organisations that might be able to help e.g.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

I'd encourage her to go back to her GP and ask re. other avenues that might help e.g. (exercise on prescription)

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/exercise-for-depression/