To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

[JandamiHash]

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, OP. While I understand that the state your friend is in could get you down and that you might need a break from it, I don't understand why you seem to want to prove her "wrong" for grieving. You've even said you understand why her ex left her etc. It sounds as though you can't stand her. If that's true there's nothing wrong with that, but it might be best to be honest with yourself and leave the poor woman alone. She has other friends, surely.

I don't understand why you seem to want to prove her "wrong" for grieving

I don’t. HTH

You've even said you understand why her ex left her etc.

I absolutely did not say this!! Please don’t tell lies it’s not a good look.

Do you think it’s reasonable to wholly believe that you’re the only person in the world who’s unhappy?

I'm not telling lies. You said this: "I don’t like to ask but I do wonder if my friend’s helplessness was a factor in the break up. I know I couldn’t be arsed having to look after someone like that.

Perhaps I misread this but it sounds quite understanding of why the ex left.

That is not the same as saying “I understand why her ex left her”. That was talking about what I could tolerate.

And by extension an understanding of what he can tolerate.

Look, I am not going to go round and round on this. If you're saying that I misinterpreted what you said, fine. But that is very different to telling lies, which is what you accused me of.

I have a friend that suffers mental health issues and I've had to unfollow them because their posts have gotten more and more irritating nobody likes me I'm ugly yaddayadda it's constant , I'd unfollow her and distance myself.
Her ex is going to have to give up the dogs if he wants any chance of moving on with his life and allow her to do the same as seeing him really won't be helping her instability if/when he meets someone else she's going to completely lose her mind

Since when did people stop being able to cope with life? All the while she is being pandered to , you are all enabling her. Tell her to get a grip, get a life and get on with it. This pathetic behavior is ridiculous. And yes I speak from experience. My husband said to me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He did not want the responsibility of me ! Up yours sunshine and off I went. I held my head and my pride up and got on with it. My life is wonderful now. Stop pandering and start getting tough. And no, she does not need anti depressants, so over used. She is not depressed, she is sad, she needs to learn how to cope with it. And she certainly should not take up the time of a therapist, they are for people who are really sick.

Brutal but very true