DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

Tell him you'll have a divorce in common if he keeps it up. Marriages require work and if he's not even trying then what's the point?

It does sound like he has a point. You do have quite different interests. Do you actually enjoy his company?

I think your marriage is in a lot of trouble because there's nothing holding you together here. No kids, no shared interests, little friendship overlap. That's prime affair territory (for either of you tbh) even if nothing is happening now.

See I sort of agree with this and also disagree with this. It’s normal to not match with your partner on every one of their interests/hobbies, hence why it’s good to have friends/groups so that you can do those things still, but you do really need at least a few things that both of you enjoy.

I love my husband more than anything, but I don’t want to spend my weekends in the freezing cold at a football match with him anymore than he would want to spend his weekends at pilates and swimming with me, so we do those things separately with our own friends. But we do both love a long walk with the dog, going out for a nice coffee & breakfast, cooking together, going out for a drink together, cinema etc. It wouldn’t make for a very happy relationship if one of us was always having to compromise and do something we don’t want to do.

Fast forward to when you're both retired, and are together all the time. What on earth are you going to do?!

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you need to move on and find someone else who does want to spend time with you.

Nothing wrong with each of you doing different stuff - being together 24/7 isn't really that healthy either - but there has to be some common ground, so that you are enjoying your relationship.

Sorry

I'd probably ask him if he wants out. As he appears checked out of the relationship. I've done this before and was always very relieved when my husband replied no, he was still in 😂

You shouldn't need to do all the legwork of organising things to do. Maybe suggest taking it in turns and trying different things that are new or different. Sometimes you end up enjoying yourself despite not being interested initially. I got made to go to a train museum once and thought it would be awful but actually weirdly enjoyed it!

First thought here, too. I'd be having a serious chat.

I'm sorry OP but he's checked out of the relationship.

If you don't have anything in common then there's no point in being together. Relationships need to be nurtured, you can't just say that's that and ignore your other half!

I'd have the is there any point in being together and ask him what splitting up looks like. I couldn't come back from that.

Why not just divorce if you're not having fun together any more?

OK, so he is inviting you to things but you choose not to go. This is no different to him inviting him to things and him deciding not to go. Ultimately, it sounds as though you are very different people. Time to move on.

Do you come together as a team for anything? DIY? Decorating?

If not, and with no children to worry about I think it's a perfect time to go your separate ways. It's clearly not working for either of you.

What's keeping you in the relationship OP? What do you get out of it?

Sounds like your relationship has run it's course and he is trying to tell you. Unless you want to live like this for the rest of your life it is time to make plans to divorce.

He's undermining and blaming you as a way to cover up... what? The fact that he prefers the company of the lads or something more? Neither is good. The way he is putting all the responsibility and blame on you is nasty.

Stop cooking every night - screw that. One evening a week choose something you'd like to do, either alone or with your friends. That will stand you in good stead whether you stay together or not. You need to get your focus back on yourself.

Sounds like the only thing he really wants to do is go boozing with his mates

I would put the responsibility back on him.

"DH, you said we have nothing in common. So what do you want to do? Work on that? If so, what does that look like to you? Or do you want to split up? Because I'm not prepared to live with the feeling that I, your wife, is someone whose company you don't enjoy and find boring. We fix this or split."

If he's bored/grown apart, it'll refocus him onto what's important and the urgency of it. Bar some potential defensiveness initially, he'll work with you on this if he loves you. If he's already exited emotionally, or having an affair, he'll probably bluster that you're overreacting or you need to change. Internet that as the red flag it is. Compromise is key but I suspect you're already doing a lot (based on the cooking comment) so be very wary of tying yourself in knots to please someone whose intention is never to be pleased because your 'shortcomings' are used as a justification to do what he wants (which may or may not include an affair).

If you're staying together thigh, a few things need to change in addition to working on finding your common interests. For a start, he can share the cooking (unless he's genuinely pulling his weight domestically in other ways). That might give him a new appreciation of going for a meal that isn't a curry! He's also talking shite regarding cost. Unless he's going to crap cute houses and you want to go to a very upmarket pub, the two are very comparable in price.

There's no shame in divorce op.

Quite the opposite.

We get one life, and with no kids you can just move on once things aren't working any more.

It's unrealistic for the vast majority of couples that they'd continue enjoying each others company for 60 years.

It does sound a somewhat inauspicious start to the relationship and as if you genuinely have nothing in common whatsoever. How have you managed for 14 years up to this point?

Meh, if you have no kids, I'd get rid. You don't sound well suited. Go find a life with someone you're more compatible with (or nobody...that also sounds a better option).

I don't think you're overreacting. Your partner appears to be actively avoiding spending time with you. You have suggested a range of things to do, that even if they're not the height of excitement for him, are genericly pleasant, yet he has come up with reasons not to do them. Add to this his 'nothing in common' comment, and I'm sorry to say, either he has one foot out of your relationship, or only wants you for his home comforts while he lives a seperate life with his mates. I think you need a serious conversation.

@NewYearSameMeeee do you think by the way that the constant nights out with mates are genuine OP? It did cross my mind - especially as he seems to have mentally checked out somewhat

It doesn't sound like you have loads in common but I think he is being very unfair.

You both like a specific comedian so you book tickets and plan a night out and suddenly he doesn't like stand up?

He can go out for a meal with his mates but he won't with you because nice pubs are expensive? I wouldn't say there is much difference between a pub dinner and a curry in a restaurant (presumably with a lot of alcohol if he's with the lads).

I don't think you can win here because I don't think he actually wants to spend any time with you. He wants to hang around with his mates instead. Bet if you actually said yes to going with him and his friends to whatever sport it is, he'd do everything he could to stop it happening.

This is how convos with my ex-DH started when it was the beginning of the end, the fact is we just didn't enjoy being together anymore.

We had also been together about 14 years, no children. Getting divorced was the best thing either of us could have done. You don't say how old you are, but think how many years you have left as a couple if you stay together- is that what you want for several decades more?

I mentioned if you have kids too OP because I wondered if this was a mutual choice ? Although of course there is the option it might not be possible .

It sounds to me as though if you were still dating, neither of you would want to continue.

You don't have children and you don't want to do the same things in your free time, so what's the point in continuing now?