DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

The deal was that I'd work part-time time so that I'd do the housework/food shopping/cooking and we'd have more time to enjoy evenings and weekends together - but that's not what's happening. I feel like a live in housekeeper/cook, whose a bit of an inconvenience as wants to be taken out sometimes 🤔

Your marriage Dosen’t sound awful so maybe you just accept that you are a homebody and he likes going out and stop trying to fight it / make an issue out of it

OK, so I suggested this. He said no, because the Counsellor will be a woman who will take my side if I turn on the waterworks, or a gay man who will just side with me. Honestly, you couldn't make it up! So even if we did see someone to try and talk things through, he'll find a reason that I'm unreasonable!!

It sounds like you don't like him very much.

I should also add that my DH is a bit like this in that when I see things popping up in our shared calendar it’s him making plans normally involving golf/ football/ beers with friends. It is slightly annoying that he doesn’t spend time thinking of things for us to do. I organise probably 90% of what we do jointly but at least my DH has the good grace to appreciate it & I get to choose what, where and when things happen (& that probably works best as I like to make decisions!)

I feel like a live in housekeeper/cook, whose a bit of an inconvenience as wants to be taken out sometimes

This is no way to live. You do have something in common, even if it's only your marriage certificate, but if he won't consider counselling because you'll "turn on the waterworks" I think your options are limited OP.

@NewYearSameMeeee sorry but he's now sounding not only selfish but an idiot.

Can you exit the relationship without too much financial loss?

You are too young to doom yourself to no sex, no companionship, no effort.

He promised you he wouldn't cheat, but I bet he also promised to love you and look after you, which he is failing to do. He is a lot older than I thought, with his laddish behaviour. Are his friends younger? Do they have wives and kids? He has the best of both words : wife at home but acts single

OP I’m sorry but he doesn’t want to spend any time with you.

I would be out the door.

I'd say switch to full-time work asap because this agreement has damaged the dynamics in your relationship. Plus you'll need the money if you decide to end the marriage.

I agree - go FT. Tell dh you don’t want to be just his housekeeper any more, you’re lonely and bored.

It sounds really depressing. My DH leaves all the organising to me, which can feel a bit of a burden but then he’s happy to do pretty much anything I organise. The criticism and lack of enthusiasm would really wear me down.

Does he want you to cancel the comedy night out or will he go but complain?

So you would be commiting a criminal offence for... what exactly? You don't need access to someone's personal data in order to justify a decision to leave. OP has enough reasons to do it without loosing her dignity and, if her husband decides to report her, freedom.

You need to be working full time OP. This is not the man who I would depend on

What? Or did you mean he doesn't like OP very much?

This^

I think you need to take agency here OP.

Also, you're allowed to have a fulfilling relationship (or choose happiness solo - either would be better than the current situation). You're also allowed to have a partner who makes an effort. It can't just be you making the suggestions and trying to keep a relationship going. If he won't bother, what's the point of him?

No it doesn’t.

I know? I didn't get that impression. Just a lonely OP.

Which sport does he like?

My husband is a football fan and although I was interested in it, I never really watched until I met him.

I now watch it more than he does and it gives us a common interest and something to talk about which is so important.

Can you start watching the sport?

If you still laugh and talk, never running out of conversation, then that’s something.

Do you still find each other attractive?

Because I’d suggest finding something that was a ‘you and him thing’ — something that’s new and that you decide on together. Learning to tango, taking a pottery class, going to the theatre… Something new that you both like the sound of, and that you do together.

If he won’t consider this then you have a problem. But you need to work on coming up wit the idea together.

OP, I feel so sad for you and this is not your fault... but I think the nub of this is the lack of physical connection. If that's gone, is there a chance you could get it back? Would you want to if you could? It does sound like he's checking out of the marriage, but I wouldn't just sit at home being available for him... Disengage and let him come to you with ideas. If he is just having a midlife crisis 'nobody understands me' moment, he's notice your lack of availability and sit up. Alternatively he won't, you'll have your answer and you'll have started to focus on YOU.

My DH and I have an agreement that we have a date once a month and take it in turns to organise it. Neither is allowed to complain.

Nah date nights / days are important. My other half is the same and sometimes forgets this, I sometimes think he thinks me helping him take stuff to the tip counts as quality time together (in my eyes it absolutely does not)

How much cooking and housework is there for two adults?
you don’t mention you having friends ?