DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

Do you spend time with your own friends doing these things you enjoy?
Do more of that then…

1. stop doing stuff at home. He’s taking the piss.
2. he doesn’t want to spend money yet is out with his friends all the time? Doesn’t mind spending money on himself, does he?
3. he’s making up excuses. If a man wants to spend time with you, he will spend time with you.
4. he’s clearly locked into a culture where the women stay at home, and the men go out.
5. end this. You sound like you enjoy a bit of culture and he’s happy down the local social club. You deserve more. Stop cooking and start living.

It sounds as if he wants another man in his life rather than a woman!

Me too. He has checked out.

i think that even if you suggested a hiking adventure tomorrow, he would be too tired/ wouldn’t think you’d enjoy it etc.

I think he has his eye on someone

What does he bring to your life?

OP, when you are just at home together, having dinner or watching TV or whatever, do you get on well? Do you find each other interesting and make each other laugh?

God he sounds like a proper tight miserable bore. With no kids involved and having given 14 years of your life to this guy I'd move on! Get rid. There is so much more to life than this overgrown man child. Stop doing all the cooking too! Find a decent guy. How's your sex life?!

Agreed

You say "We've been together 14 years, pretty happily." Do you think he would say the same. I think it is time you have a serious talk - and explain how you feel and what you can do about it 'together' if he is not prepared to do anything together or compromise in anyway - what are you getting out of the marriage?

How are things physically? With sex and affection? Do you connect in that way?

It’s doesn’t sound great to be honest. The lack of enthusiasm would upset me. Me and my partner only really have a handful of things in common but we make the effort to go to stuff the other one likes, because ultimately it’s the spending time together that’s important, not the actual event itself.

Have you tried asking him for suggestions on things to do together? If there really isn’t anything then it’s up to you to decide if this is something you can live with in a relationship.

It sounds as if you like doing fairly standard things....I can't think of many people who'd want to go to a music even at a working men's club or even a sporting event. Surely most couples go for meals, to the pub, for walks, days out shopping or to the seaside? And you just enjoy each other's company...you don't have to have the same interests to get along.

It sounds like he's preparing you for his departure. Which doesn't sound like much of a loss.

I would leave, then. He doesn’t like your company and can’t be bothered to treat you to a nice meal once a week? Absolutely useless as a husband!

Personally, I think he's right with money and doesn't want to spend any but when he does, on what he likes. I'm pretty sure he's not having an affair, girlfriends like money being spent on them! Be that gifts, takeaways or weekends away etc. I can't imagine anyone wanting to have an affair with him, so I don't think you need to worry about that.

If I was him though, I'd worry about you having an affair. Why haven't you? Plenty of men out there who would take you for a nice meal, a wander around the shops, whatever. Most men are quite agreeable if there is a shag at the end of it.

It's your choice if you continue your marriage, he's got things just as he wants it. A wife at home, he doesn't have to take you out, you cost him little and no doubt you make his meals and keep his home today. Ask yourself, why would he want out? He's got life just as he wants it.

He's being honest when he says you have nothing in common. Try being honest yourself by telling him your pig sick of it all, him and his ways and you want to find another man who wants to take you for a meal and you have decided it's time to split up. See what happens then, he'll either panic and change his ways or shrug ... and there's your answer.

That’s so shit. Sounds like you’ve really been making an effort and he’s not interested no matter what you suggest. I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. Must make you feel so alone and unappreciated. Sounds like you’re doing so much. I’d calmly ask him if he would like for you both to go yorur separate ways. You deserve more.x

YANBU
It doesn't bode well for you marriage when he doesn't want to spend time with you
You say you thought you were happily married. How is he with you in daily life?
Do you chat about anything and everything? Do you laugh and have intimacy? By that I mean cuddling, holding hands, arm on your shoulder for example Affectionately?
He could easily comprise by going for a curry with you
I hate to say it, but are you sure he's out with his mates all the time?

You sound like a fun person, just not his kind of fun. I'd be cutting my losses or you'll spend your life feeling less than and insecure just because some twat doesn't value your qualities. Someone else absolutely would, and you'd feel the complete opposite. You're just not right for each other 🤷🏼‍♀️

I picked up on him not wanting to spend money. What he is doing is medium to low cost but he thinks what you want to do are higher costs (meals out, weekend breaks, theatre, comedian and shopping mentioned) You could test this by suggesting a very low cost activity you fancy that you think he might enjoy. Google low cost dates and activities.
It also sounds like you might benefit from a hobby for yourself.

But he is happy spending money on nights out/trips/meals with friends.

He doesn’t want spend money on doing things with you.

Take that as another nail in the coffin of this sad relationship. You deserve more.

Sounds like you are convenient for sharing bills and chores with (i note you do all the cooking) but when it comes to spare time and fun stuff, you don't interest him enough. Sorry, i know that's harsh.

To be fair, the interests do sound very different. He's active and sporty, you aren't. He likes a cheap and cheerful pint and curry, you prefer a "nice meal" and theatre tickets. Neither of you seem willing to compromise at all. He invited you to join him and his friends at the sport you say you like and you said no thanks - why? You sound very unsuited.

I honestly think the relationship has run its course.

I've got friends who have marriages like this but they're sticking it out for the kids.

It's quite sad as life it short but it's not worth breaking up a family over.

You guys don't have kids so there's no need to flog a dead horse.

My DH is happy to do any ridiculous activity I want to do because he likes to spend time with me. You deserve to feel important to someone.

He doesn't view you as a person. He views you as 'wife' - it sounds like he doesn't value you as a person or enjoy spending time with you. It's very old fashioned and cold view of marriage. I would ask him what's the point. If he doesn't want to spend time with you then what is the point of being together

My parents were so different, my dad was a pie and pint man and she was a culture vulture.
I can remember back in the day she bought outdoor tickets for an opera event that involved Pavarotti. He moaned, had a bit of a laugh about it, and went. He absolutely loved it.
They both had their own friends and interests.
But to be fair to my dad, if my mum suggested something, he’d have a go. And he did it with great humour and warmth.
When my mum died he said to me…
If I had never met your mother I’d have never been outside of this town. But because of her I went all over the world, I saw Shakespeare plays, and she encouraged me to meet people I would never had the confidence to talk to.
That’s why they were married for over 50 years. It’s called generosity of spirit.

Do you want to still be married to him? If so, then why?

My OH constantly says we’ve nothing in common but we still do things together, not each other’s company etc. your DH is being an arse. Tell him to smarten up and stop being childish.