DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

😞 it sounds like it might have run its course

Do you think some counselling might be good? Individual or joint, to come to terms with that.

Do you have many friends? Do you go out and socialise with them, go to the cinema, theatre, ballet, art exhibitions etc with them?
You have a couple of options really. Stay as you are, feeling more dejected and lonely; Go out with your girlfriends more and you and your husband stay as more house mates; tell him it's time to split and as you clearly have nothing in common and you are bored and lonely.
Oh and stop cooking for him, he can bloody well fend for himself.

I'd be going through his phone tbh. Don't fall in to the trap of "Not my Nigel"

Going through his phone? What difference does that make? What if you don't find anything? The behaviour is still there and you don't need a reason to decide you're not in a relationship you want to be in. You don't have to look for "proof" of something in order to leave.

I would have suspicions he’d had his head turned tbh. Sounds like he doesn’t want to do anything with you that he might actually enjoy and which might mess with the “we’ve got nothing in common” narrative he’s spinning to justify cheating. Also he might not like his new romantic interest to hear of him doing things with his wife.

How old are you and what was the impetus to get married given you don’t have children together? It sounds like you make his day to day life easier, e.g. cooking meals. What does he do for you? Are you hard up? Do you have a clear picture of your finances: can you see where the money goes?

I do, but I work part-time. To be fair, he isn't lazy and does do washing up, DIY jobs etc. This is more that I feel he's always on his his "lads group" on WhatsApp planning things - and he always says how he loves that I'm fine with it, as I believe some of the other wives are less so. I try to be fair, give him freedom as I know he would probably be bored sitting in all the time (I'm more of a homebody) but I've explained to him that I would like to do more together, as a couple. He has a day off every other week, where we could go for lunch, see a film, anything!! But he always has something he needs to be doing or help a friend out/he's doing a job for someone he knows. I think I just feel there's little effort to do anything with me and I'm tired of being the only one to plan anything (eg see a Comedian and night away - which he's said he doesn't really enjoy now 🙄) maybe I'll just give up altogether. See what happens. If nothing then the proof is laid out for me.

But he isn't happy. She isn't happy. There's no intimacy. There are no children to bind them together. Why would they stay together?

Why do you work part time?

Chat brought you together in the first place?

How old ate you both OP?

That is how it comes across sadly. My OH and I don't have much money so don't do a huge amount socially, but we like each other's company even if we're just watching TV together, and usually say 'do you want to come along?' even if we're planning something separately. If he's not making the effort to make your lives together fun and enjoyable, what's the point for you? You're better off seeing who else is out there.

The OP doesn’t want them to live in each other’s pockets though; she even said that in her OP. She just wants her DH to want to spend time with her occasionally — which I think is pretty normal. And TBH, it DOES sound as though their marriage is broke…

W h a t (sorry — haven’t worked out how to edit posts)

How old are you both, OP?

We are 49 and 53. I do the finances and we're on the same page financially. We're not big spenders, we have a nice home, paid off our mortgage etc. I think I just sometimes feel a bit lonely. I have friends I do things with, lunches, spa days etc, but equally we can't live completely autonomously as that's basically house sharing 😔

I often do things with DH that aren't totally my bag (go to see some sport with him for example), or if he wants to see a particular singer or band I'm not mega keen on. He will do the same for me - come to a concert or do an activity that isn't of his choosing.
We would both draw the line at certain activities - he goes to football with his mates and I see my friends on their own or go with them to films he doesn't like (and vice versa). We both have enough in common to do things we both like togehter though.
What was it like when you first met - did you have different interests then?
My health isn't as good as it was and I have a couple of chronic conditions and am not as keen as going away as I used to be - it does frustrate DH that I won't go long haul currently, but that's tough.
Compromise is the key to a good relationship. Doesn't sound like your DH wants to do that!

49 and 53. I lost my first DH in an accident 20 years ago. I was on my own for 6 yrs before meeting now DH. Marriage wasn't something we rushed into, we are both level headed. We have the same morals and outlook. Neither of us would consider infidelity. We both agreed many times we would walk away. I don't think that's the problem, more that I just think he's quite independent and I'm unsure married life really suits him or the effort required to keep things ticking over. It feels as though he's bored.

Ask him if he is invested in keeping the marriage alive , seems to me that he see it as a duty/ job and his free time is his to do as he wishes, which is not spend time with you
I can see why you would be irked

Agree. How would he react if you said you were unhappy and lonely?

He thinks you’re fine with the current situation. It’s certainly working for him. The problem about challenging him is that he might actually say what he feels (or doesn’t feel) and then you’ve got to decide what you can live with.

He seems focused on the cost of things. Does he resent that you work part time.

Who doesn’t like going to see a comedian and laughing for an evening?? Who doesn’t like eating nice food that you don’t have to cook yourself?

He sounds like a miserable inconsiderate sod who doesn’t think about what you might enjoy together at all. Selfish.

Di you at least enjoy some holidays together @NewYearSameMeeee as if not I think you should seriously be considering if this is the person you want to share the rest of your future and your retirement with.

We laugh a lot together, share the same morals, never run out of conversation. When we argued yesterday he said 'other people always seem to think and say we're the perfect couple'. We get on great, but I just feel like we'd never go anywhere or do anything if I didn't plan it, and if I do plan anything he always says it's not his 'thing', it's my thing. So, I tried recently to think of other ideas, but they're all wrong - and he said the problem is we have nothing in common 🙁 it's pretty hurtful. If he thinks this, the marriage is doomed.

I hate to think what's going through his mind so...

Can you afford to go your separate ways. Will you both be worse off? If you are lay it down in front of him and inform him that there's a likelihood of it happening. It won't be as much fun for him if he's skint.

Of course if it's not good for you in particular that's not such a good idea - you then need to start to sort things out quietly in case he makes his own decision.

Well you either accept you are just housemates sharing the bills and housework, or you split and live separately.