DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

OP you're young enough to have a whole new extra life! I too think it's cards on the table time. Either go full time at your job or find a different PT job and do both in order or meet some new people and have new experiences. Get advice about pensions if you're not secure on this front.

From experience this!

Hes trying to turn the tables on you.

@Catza Checking your husband's texts is NOT a criminal offence ffs! 🤣

Yes it is. Computer misuse act

Sorry but I have to disagree strongly with this. I know several women who met life partners in their 30s and 40s and 50s. If anything, I'd guess it was separated men who have more problems when their marriage ends, because they have become too settled, while women tend to think about relationships more.
People separate and remarry, it's not that unusual and there are plenty of decent men out there who might be interested in the OP, who sounds lovely. Children obviously complicate things, but the OP doesn't have children. Life is certainly not "brutal" for women over 30 and if OP does decide to separate she has every chance of finding happiness.

A civil rather than criminal offence, though. And I imagine that communication between spouses is rather a grey area and difficult to pin down.

I'm sad to hear about your situation. It feels like his mates are probably more available now if they've had kids and are older at your age . He's having that mid life "crisis" of wanting things to be fun and feel needed and belong.

I would start an evening class, study course, go out with friends and start a social life of your own. Enjoy your life even if that is without him. I don't see that you do anything with anyone else in your posts ? Even if you don't feel like it, get yourself out there.

Marriage wise I think it feels like routine for him. He's pushed all the boundaries and you're still OK with it. Stop being a doormat. Stop depending on him to fulfill a big gap. You may end up splitting up but enjoy your life before and after !

My husband of 12 years did the same to me. Apparently I was boring. We were best friends and I let him do and go wherever he wanted. No trust issues at all. When he said we had nothing in common and our life was boring it hit me like a sledgehammer. I had no idea there was anything wrong. Well soon after… I left him. Met someone else and have been happily married to an amazing man for 18 lovely years. Yes we have our spats but that’s normal. It was only when I left my ex I realised I was worth a LOT more than just waiting for the crumbs from under his table so to speak. I’m afraid this could be the start of the end. You’re worth more than that prick x

I would be feeling rejected if my DH didn't want to socialise with me occasionally. How does he treat you when he's at home. Is he affectionate and loving? Do you talk to each other? If yes, what do you talk about if you never go anywhere! He says your welcome to join him when he goes out so why not give it a try and meet his friends You never know he might meet you half way and do something you enjoy if you make the effort. Bottom line, do you still love him?Or do you think you'd be happier with someone else? Big decision 🤔

Wife as a gate keeper to wash his clothes and take care of his home and kids.

Similar position to me but 27 years together and children. We are trying to work through. Difference is we both agreed we don't have a lot in common..but he is willing to try and find alone time for just us two
I wouldn't say yours is cheating...but if I were you feather your nest now. Go full time, get hobbies and meet people. Tell him sort it out or leave
You are young woth no children. Much easier ..i wojldnt put up with him. What are you getting out of it?

YANBU OP but I'm wondering what your DH is really thinking with his attitude towards your marriage. He sounds bored tbh and in your shoes I would be worried about where that could lead.

Sorry it just sounds like he's got his cook, cleaner, maid at home in you, just so happens you also get on well and have a laugh whilst you do those things for him. Single lad with a maid at home

My and my dh don't have much in common but we do both go out together, we compromise and find joy in doing things with each other

Sadly it seems like he has lost interest and doesn't care about your marriage. You need to have a serious talk.

Maybe he should cost out how much divorce costs?

Surely it depends on the individual and you can't (logically) make a blanket assertion about a large subset of the population. Some women have had traumatic relationships which have emotionally scarred them, they claim to be completely uninterested in another relationship which sounds to me like a way of protecting themselves from another painful experience. Other women find loving partners well into retirement age. There is no age limit on finding love. Sometimes perceptions can inflience reality so if you go around thinking all men are garbage and you will never find a loving husband, you will be right.

Speaking for myself, I've always tended to have an affinity towards older women, that may be because all my female family relatives are much older than me (specifically sisters), but it is common for me to feel warmth towards women old enough to be my mother (not exclusively of course). It hasn't got me anywhere, I fail when it comes to stimulating romantic attraction hence my cumulative experience at the age of 47 is one short relationship.

I think you should tell him you are unhappy being a drudge while he goes out enjoying himself and refuses to do anything with you. He gets a live-in maid and independent social life but what do you get? Perhaps you should book yourself a long holiday and be absent for a while. As for his excuses about why he can't go to counselling, they are pathetic and untrue. You could go to see one on your own though to start with and tell him what you are doing.

It sounds as though he is part of this men-only group where women are excluded. It's selfish and far from normal. My husband has male friends, and they do stuff together. But inevitably the friendship stretches further to include partners and couple stuff if the men are in relationships. I've made new female friends, and we have made couple friends like this. It doesn't detract from the male bonding situation. Quite the opposite. Do you know the partners of these male friends? Are they single? Or is DH just behaving like a single man?

Go back to work and spend money in yourself. Life is too shoet—and too long—to live with a sexless miser.

I'm so sorry OP. What you describe is very sad.

Yet another selfish man baby. Is he worth hanging on to - this sort of behaviour can't be doing your self-esteem much good? If you can possibly go it alone, I think you would be happier in the long run.

I wish you happiness and good luck for the future.

Saw this and thought of you OP,
How are things this week following on from your argument?

@Andthebellsringout ha ha- She's not far wrong in many cases!!

Same, my DP and I are chalk and cheese as people (I'm neurotic and he's Jamaica) but we do love some same things and our core values are the same.
Our kids are our lives but deeper is that we love and respect each other.

@NewYearSameMeeee

Would you like to go back to full time work?
I hope if you talked last night that it's gone the way you are happy with

I wonder if not actually having an affair at the moment he’s met someone who he’s considering having an affair with? He’s telling you about the problems in your relationship but doesn’t seem to be interested in finding any solutions. I know you say you’re not interested in his numerous outings but what would happen if you wanted to go along? I’d be very suspicious if he didn't want you to go along- feign enthusiasm and see what happens. You’re otherwise seemingly at stalemate.

I really think your missing the bigger picture!! Your husband said you have nothing in common and you've seemed to skip past that bit.