DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

He’s gay

This was a really sad read, OP. What do you think of a life ahead spent with a partner who does not even seem to like you very much? You should be his favourite person. I don't have much 'in common' with my DH – he is frugal, I'm spendy, he's academic, I'm arty, we don't like the same films, hobbies etc' – but he's my favourite person in the world and I'm his and we love spending time together.

What's the point in being married to someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? He's showing you how he feels.

Yes, exactly.
At this point I would be asking myself if I want a husband and the answer would probably be no.
As OP mentioned - autonomy, I believe, is more desirable as we age.

We do get on well, chat and laugh together. That's what's hurtful. He just doesn't seem to want to do much with me. He says meals are expensive, as are city breaks. He hates shops and doesn't seem to like any kind of theatre. So I'm at a loss really. Surely it's give and take.

No 😌

How would he feel if you booked events with just your friends, that you know he has no interest in? I guess if he'd be fine with it then there's not much you can do. Except force yourself to enjoy working mens clubs or whatever other hobbies he claims he's into. If it's true you can't even go for a meal or to a movie that you'll both enjoy to an extent, then your relationship could be on its last legs. He seems unyielding and also very negative. As if he doesn't enjoy your company.

What is this need to live in each other's pockets? Why? If the marriage ain't broke, don't fix it!

All his interests seem to have a lot of booze involved, what you are suggesting doesn’t

Who needs a lazy negative killjoy who won't do things with you? I'm thinking you'd be happier on your own. Sorry OP.

Well you like the same sport and he has asked you along, do you hate his friends or something ?

Shopping is bloody dire in my book and only done when necessary. Dinner out is nice but how often would you eat out? Theatre and concerts again are decent but they are a couple of times a year thing in my book plus do you need a night overnight away?

He sounds boring, hypocritical and very, very selfish.

He’s telling you (incorrectly) what you apparently like (shops and food? Despite you consistently planning other things, and even though he goes out for meals every two weeks?!) in a way to silence you and try to reframe you as the ‘bad guy’. He’ll keep telling you you’re the problem over and over until you start to believe it.

He’s doing the ‘old ball and chain’ thing. You’re just always there and not worth making an effort for. Boring.

The only way it might possibly improve is if he sees what he has to lose. Don’t make any more effort. Tell him that if he thinks there’s no point you will not try any more. Stop planning things. Take a friend with you to the comedy thing. Get things in order for separation and divorce.

But I’m afraid it seems likely he’s having or planning an affair. He deserves his fun you know!

TBH He sounds like he checked out of the relationship really.You sound like friends or brother and sister .You can of course carry on like this ,and many do esp with DC.You sound like you are being taken for granted .If God forbid you only had a short time left ,how would you feel? to have a life with a lukewarm partner ? or someone who loves you /or the chance to meet them.My DH and I can argue for England ,but he likes going for Lunch.local theatre ,walks and so on .

I can kinda see his pov. Although he sounds tight, which is a very unattractive quality. Like Hecanton, Dh and I do lots together, but also lots apart. Dh doesn't want to go to the ballet when I go with my 2 friends, and I don't want to go to Portugal on a a lads football weekend.

Perhaps neither of you is communicating very well around this, and it certainly sounds like neither of you are trying in any way to take much of an interest in each other’s likes/dislikes. I’m in a 40 year plus relationship where we share an awful lot of things, we both enjoy sport, travel, cultural things like museums, history, food, a little bit of retail therapy. So we share things, but also make time for our own special likes as well. But even then, we support each other, take an interest. It helps if you are intellectually similar, and neither is addicted in any way to things like gaming, drinking, social media, too much TV etc…. and can while away time talking about lots of things.
I would say try and find some common ground, at least one or two things where with just a bit of compromise, you can enjoy something together. See how that goes initially.

Tbf I don't know that many men who enjoy shopping or theater, you ve also mentioned plays and musicals. Anyway this a dead horse and he is not that into you. I think he's not into you at all, so fo yourself a favour and leave

He sounds as boring as fcuk (plus tight) and you have lots of varied interests.

He seems very happy spending money with his mates including going out for curry but won't go to a pub for a meal with his wife every now and then. From where I am standing this is all bollocks and all about what he wants. Why is it not about what you want? How much do his nights out cost?

But why are other social things not expensive with his friends?

yes, this is what my ex said to me, "nothing in common" "all you talk about is the baby" "you always try and stop me from doing what I want". Basically they paint you as the boring one who has forced them to look elsewhere which they use as a balm to soothe any feelings of guilt or responsibility, It sounds as if he is setting the stage to leave, Having said this, I truly hope that I am wrong

After reading your update, I honestly think you should leave him
Life is simply too short to stay with this incredibly dull man, who doesn't appreciate you.
Sounds like you could be talking about your brother.
Go live an interesting life with friends who share your values and interests

It kinda sounds like you don’t have anything in common and never did? Someone asked what you did in the early days and all you had was go for drives. Which you didn’t even enjoy.
Are you happy in your marriage? It doesn’t sound like he is. You have no kids, it would be a pretty easy split and might work best for both of you

You say you do all the cooking. Do you do all tge household stuff too ... shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing, putting away, organising?

You've got yourself a flat mate, not a husband.