Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

You are really kind, thank you all for being so supportive.

They sound AWFUL. I would love your original birthday plans so much xxx

Op I feel so bad for you but honestly your friends not friends at all are the ones who should be embarrassed.

Take what you would have spent and do something nice with your family.

For what it's worth I think your orginial plan sounds lovely. You deserve better friends though, you should consider starting your 40's with nicer people

That's a crap response.
They should be saying: No worries, we could do Marbella some other time! The craft and lunch sound great we'd love to come thank you xx

People are such a disappointment so often, when it comes to group dynamics. They wait to see which way the wind is blowing because they don't want to be the ones left out.

Agree with pp no need for any embarrassment. Start feeling pissed off, who tf does Joan think she is?!

They sound awful! Joan is a bully and you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Friends don't do that.
If my friend wanted to sit in a busstop drinking cold coffee for her birthday I'd be there!
I hate the expression but "you do you!"
Have your birthday as you want, not them!!

OP don’t send that message. I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt but I don’t think that message is the way to h. FWIW you come across as quite sensitive. Wait until you next see one of these guys in person and actually chat to them. Text/whatsapp just isbt the way to deal with anything nuanced or emotional

You say "So I have messaged now and said thanks but can’t do the weekend away due to the budget restraints this year. I explained I am visiting my mother’s home country.
You are right I need to nip this in the bud, as I really don’t want to go! It’s not even about the money."

They seem to think it's about the money. They seem to think you've planned something less extravagant than the things they did, because of money. If it is, in fact, not you need to be perfectly explicit about this NOW before they book anything. It is fine to say the kind of thing you would like to do instead, but they are clearly going to try to cover the cost of the more expensive thing that they think you would like to do if you could afford it. Be straight with them, tell them what you would like.

Yes words to describe her would include

Vulgar
Uncouth
Ill mannered
Rude
Badly brought up

I think my grandma would have said 'All fur coat and no knickers'

I wish you would not feel embarrassed or belittled as you have no reason at all to. It's them who should be ashamed of their terrible unkind behaviour to a longstanding friend and I hope at least some of them do feel like that.

I’m sorry your friends have behaved like this. They are incredibly rude. Hopefully just thoughtless, not spiteful.

I would feel sad too. But I’d also absolutely love your craft plans 🤣.

Please don’t feel embarrassed about your plans.

If you are closer to some of them privately message but don't feel you need to apologise for anything. Your friends did what they wanted to celebrate their birthdays, you're only suggesting what you want to do and asking if they want to join you.

This ^. I'd privately message the three or four you think will enjoy your planned crafting event, and say did they want to join you at this event with lunch afterwards for just this core group. Please don't be embarrassed - the rest seem to be under Joan's influence, just ignore them and don't engage unless they message you privately.

If no decent response from the three or four, then cancel the whole thing and have a lovely weekend away with DH and spoil yourself using the money you would have spent on your so-called friends. This is a good opportunity to mark your milestone birthday by looking for new friends, maybe join a crafting class to meet like-minded folk. Happy birthday @dappledeverglade really hope it turns out nice for you.🎉🎁

Can I come to the craft morning and lunch too, please?

It sounds exactly my kind of thing. 😀

Third one in Scotland. Can we do a zoom class with OP?

I wonder if the problem has come from the hosts paying for everyone when it's their own birthdays. Joan and/or the others might feel resentful that they've paid x amount for you to attend their more expensive events, then when it comes to your turn to pay, yours is a lot lower cost.

I'm not saying they're in the right btw. I think they've been awful to you, especially as they know your financial circumstances. But honestly, this was always a bad idea, having the hosts pay - it should have been everyone pay for themselves from the start, and then everyone else could have opted in or out depending on their own finances.

OP, it shouldn’t be this stressful. Your birthday plans sounded lovely. I’m sorry that you’re now left feeling shitty, it’s not fair and it’s really poor form on the other women for behaving like this. Big hugs to you.

With friends like this, who needs enemies ? Time to move on OP..

I think your plans sound lovely OP - your birthday should be spent doing something you want to do, not spending money you don't have going somewhere you don't want to!

Joan sounds a bit bossy and she's mean pissing on your chips like that

I would reply firmly but light heartedly:

• I really appreciate you all wanting to do something big for me, but honestly X is not somewhere I would enjoy at all and a big celebration is just not 'me'! I really thought about what I would like before booking the craft & lunch - it's very me and something I would really love to do with you all for my big day. Hope you can all make it - please confirm by X date

And enjoy 'X place' if you go ☺️

Op, maybe you need a weekend away to Scotland instead... 😁

From friend Cs reply, they have another chat. It may be a totally innocent planning for your birthday holiday chat, but it's another chat for sure. They are temporarily quiet as they are discussing your answer elsewhere.
I'm not surprised you feel icky, but don't feel embarrassed. Your plan sounded lovely. I'd step away from your phone the evening, go and do something nice and forget about it for now. Sleep on it. You don't need a big deal 40th for it to be good -spend the craft money on a dinner out with DH or a day out.

I believe that we do exactly what we want on our birthday. It's the one day it's about you!

Tell them this is what you want to do. Do not go along with their plans.

I would love to do craft & lunch.

At this point though, I'd just message "Apologies for organizing an unappealing event. As it happens, DH and I are going away that weekend, so the invitation is withdrawn. Thanks."

Dh has just come through and said he has worked out we could stretch to a weekend away if I’d really like that for my birthday but to a place I would like. For some reason it’s made me feel even worse, that he has been sat there for the last 15 mins working out if we can find the money 😭

No, we are not getting into debt for a weekend I don’t even want to please them.

Don’t type more on WhatsApp today, give it a night to think about what you want to do next

They are beyond rude.

Yes I agree with this, don’t send any more messages today. Go and cuddle your lovely DH and have a break from it today, sleep on it a bit. You sound lovely and Joan sounds like a tool to be honest.