Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Op, your birthday celebrations sound lovely and I’d very happily attend such a party.

Unfortunately the day is ruined for you now even if they all decide they’re attending and if it was my birthday I’d cancel the whole thing and make other plans for it. You deserve fun and happiness and no one’s birthday should be tainted by the bad smell coming from this lot.

Dont forget OP, whatshername isnt more popular than you - she has power and is using it. You can take that power back!

Say that you're looking forward to your originally planned bday, and youd love to see any of them there that would also enjoy it. Anyone not interested can miss it. Im not sure Id consider big-headed lady a friend tbh, and Id be wary around her.

We will treat you to lunch!

Oh @dappledeverglade I'm sorry your friends are being so crappy. Joan sounds like a nightmare.

Your planned day sounds fab to me, but even if it wasn't my thing I'd do it if I was your friend because I'd know you'd love it.

I think you and your lovely DH should go away for the weekend!

For my 50th we did a pottery class with a mobile pizza unit doing catering and local gin company providing all sorts of fantastic drinks.
I don't think I've laughed so much in one day, I was hopeless at the pottery but everyone had a go and there was no trying to get one over anyone.
I'm 60 this year so better come up with something like this again.

OP don't feel bad you have nothing to be ashamed of, most of us go through "tight" patches in our lives & real friends don't drive a steamroller through your plans.

I'm with tilypu , @dappledeverglade. Organise an mn craft and lunch instead. This thread is full of strangers who would be kinder to you than your 'friends'.

Your plan sounds lovely, and if they are proper friends they have enjoyed it. Yes they could have got carried away with alternative plans, but it's poor form, for sure, to suggest them. They should be apologising to you right now. Don't feel bad, take tonight to talk over with your DH and maybe respond brutally honestly tomorrow

I have always wanted to go to Scotland and take dc on the Harry Potter steam train, and admire the castles and lochs.

I'd definitely send this OP.

Stay strong and just be honest. Fuck Joan.

Honestly I would tell them to fuck off, they are rude and unpleasant, they are shitty friends. Even if they agreed to go to your craft class and lunch (which I think sounds like a lovely day) do you want to spend your hard earned money on them, I certainly wouldn’t.
You have nothing to feel embarrassed about, these friends on the other hand should feel ashamed of themselves for ruining your birthday and making you feel like crap. You should enjoy your birthday the way you want to and be supported to do that, enjoy a nice birthday with DH/family and hopefully by your next birthday you will have better friends!

Your 40 birthday present to yourself might be ditching the friends. If they semi decent ones aren't standing up to Joan, they are just like her in reality.

OP your 40th plans sound lovely and exactly the sort of thing I would do with my friends. Also, your DH sounds so sweet and wonderful for trying to make a weekend away work. I’m so sorry your friends have been so difficult and made you feel rubbish, you really don’t deserve it.

Yes I totally agree with this.

I think you do need to state something definitive about your feelings. No worries is an unacceptable response from someone who is too uncomfortable to not reply but pandering to Joan.

Given you have said they have all paid for their birthday celebrations, are they thinking they'll get a free holiday out of you OP?

I'd celebrate entering my 4th decade by losing Joan. Honestly, you won't regret it. The weight off your shoulders after eliminating that toxic "friend" from your life is immense. How the others responded to that would quickly let you know their worth.

If you all are good friends as you have said then you should be able to tell them the truth.
If not then just say no anyway . I'm sure they will cope

Wtaf! It’s YOUR Birthday! Who the fuck are these women who think it’s in anyway appropriate to do this! I am so sorry OP, and so sorry that they are being so thoughtless in their replies (or lack of!). Please know you have done nothing wrong! And your plans sound lovely! Ffs - if it’s someone’s birthday you do what THEY want even if it’s not really your cup of tea. They should be bloody apologising for completely discarding your feelings in this and running away with their weekend away plans! So so so not okay of them.

The Harry Potter steam train is sadly very expensive but you can admire it from nearby. We have castles and lochs everywhere

You have a good husband OP.

I would feel really hurt.
They've been very thoughtless at the least. You gave told them what you want to do, and it is your birthday!
I would spend the day with DH and tell them all that you are very hurt by their mean behaviour.

If they're good friends they'll understand that you want to do what you originally planned.

It's lovely you want to celebrate my birthday with me but I don't think I can stretch to a weekend away and actually I'd really like to go to the craft club and then out for lunch. Let me know if you can make it.

God that reminds me of my 40 th, and my mates wanted an all nckusive resort in Sharm - my idea of hell. I tried talking nicely but n the end had to send out a message saying g thanks for all the suggestions I’ve but I’ve decided to do X instead. Let’s meet for a drink.

Your husband sounds like a gem.

I think that Joan is an arsehole and your friends sound pretty shit. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go ahead with it anymore. It would feel like they were there under sufferance, even though it’s a flipping lovely way to celebrate. And I agree that it sounds a very coordinated response from them. I wonder whether the ones you ran the idea past, went back to the others and they’ve been discussing it on another chat?

In your shoes, I’d cancel the lot and use the money to go out for the day with your DH, who sounds really nice and wanting to make sure you have a lovely celebration. I wouldn’t post again either. If any of them come back to you for times etc, then tell them that you cancelled it because you thought they were all going away with Joan that weekend, and you didn’t bother rearranging it because none of them seemed particularly interested in joining you, so you made alternative plans with your DH.

And then I’d find myself some new friends because this lot are broken.