Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Also...id hold off sending any more messages at the moment. Let the group chat lie for a while and see how it plays out a couple of them are probably digesting the fact they've probably hurt your feelings and trying to decide the best response.

I think that is an excellent message.

Like others, MN never fails to shock and appall my in how unbelievably dragged up some people are.
I have never heard of such ignorance and rudeness.

I wouldn't share a biscuit with them, much less a birthday.

They really are the dregs.

But it's not your birthday- its what the birthday girl wants to do.

Joan sounds like the organiser and is now trying to organise you. I wouldn’t send any more messages just wait and see. If they come fine if they don’t invite other people if possible. It’s your day op.

If you had more money what would you want to do? Because I think there's two issues, especially with you saying your dh feels embarrassed.

What you have planned sounds lovely and I'd that's what you want to do, the. Stick with it.

If not and it feels like a compromise, can you ask your friends to help brainstorm an alternative, stating your budget and the type of thing you want?

@dappledeverglade your birthday plans sound ideal and frankly if you send me an invite I’ll be there and I’ll happily pay for myself and you.

in our circles we cover the birthday persons costs. Whether that’s a meal out, renting a house in the dales etc…

I love crafts and workshops like this but I’m in the north west in a small town and there’s not much going on.

If they don’t like your plans then maybe it’s time to reevaluate why you are still in touch with them? Habit? Or a genuine enjoyment of an equal adult relationship?

Great message, go with this

I know it must be hard but give it a bit of time

They might be on another group chat which is awful. Idk I think it’s a bit crap now

I wouldn’t send any more messages right now. Much as everyone on this thread wants to see a resolution, you don’t want to burn any bridges in the heat of the moment.

Also keep in mind you’re sat waiting for replies because you’re on edge. It’s Saturday afternoon they are probably too busy to reply in 20 minutes….

In the end you will still have a lovely birthday but maybe not with them. If they don't appreciate it you can save the money and do something nice with DH or a different friend instead.

Friend C just replied ‘sure no worries’

No one else has replied.
I didn’t think this would be so stressful. Its just a lunch and a birthday.

Maybe we need to organise a mumsnetters craft morning and lunch for your birthday, op! I'm in Scotland, so it's likely given you have mentioned London its not feasible for me - but if I was close I would absolutely be up for a craft morning and lunch with you!

You absolutely don’t need to feel embarrassed (although you can’t help how you feel!). Your plan sounded really good in the first place! Any decent person would just say thank you, how lovely, and put the date in their calendar.

If, as someone else suggested, they might have thought they didn’t want you to miss out on something “bigger” like they’d had, then they could have actually spoken to you about that directly and asked about doing that in addition to your plan.

Well done on coming up with a nice plan for your birthday and for explaining to your friends why you don't want to replace it with a weekend away. I don't think the trip was necessarily an unkind idea from all of them, in a busy chat your lack of response may not have been noticed. Their silence now might be embarrassment that they almost railroaded you into a holiday you wouldn't enjoy and can't afford. I would give it a little space and in a few days ask for confirmation on numbers as you need to book.

If you are closer to some of them privately message but don't feel you need to apologise for anything. Your friends did what they wanted to celebrate their birthdays, you're only suggesting what you want to do and asking if they want to join you.

burn bridges? I'd be out there with my flamethrower!

Do you think it might be because (if I'm understanding it) they have paid out more than you for theirs?

Would you want to be doing more if you could?

Someone upthread described Joan as 'vulgar' which is spot on.

Whether you decide to cancel and withdraw fo the group, or go ahead and give them a chance to behave with manners as I suggested, the key thing is Don't Be Embarrassed. They should feel the shame not you.

I know it's hurtful but breathe deep let it pass and know they have behaved horribly not you.

I'm scotland too - maybe she can visit us lol. I'm hopeless at crafts but it sounds fun. I did a handbag making session with my mum for her 70th. It was great. Even ny 15 year old son took part and enjoyed. People who care make an effort

They sound ridiculous. I bought a dog for my 40th, couldn't bare the thought of a big do.

I suspect more than one person in the group is thinking Joan is on glue.

I hope you have a lovely birthday - your idea sounds way more up my street than Joan's.

My DIL had a craft afternoon with sandwich platters and prosecco for her hen do. She didn't want anything expensive, complicated, loud, drunken etc. It was really lovely, we all got to chat and get to know each other before the wedding and nobody had to spend more than about £30 or take leave etc.

I love your birthday plans and would definitely have come along very happily.

Your friends, Joan in particular, are rude and there's no way they should have overridden your plans.

Oh bless you, I think that is really out of order of them! Are they all normally like that!?! How rude.

Not much to go on

Just give it a passive aggressive thumbs up! 👍

Agree it all sounds icky and dodgy.

Your 40th is your 40th and I would prioritise making it YOUR day and steering well clear of the drama.

I'd take a grey rock approach to the situation and put your peace of mind first rather than get too involved.

You're 100% right to feel upset but if group nastiness has set in it's going to upset you further to try to analyse or solve it.

Work out what you want to do, which is the nice holiday for you (I did similar and loved it). This is now set in stone.

Then like a pp said have a lunch or evening out (which you'll be doing with your lovely DH and family anyway) and let people know they can turn up if they want to. Drop the craft event plans.

Mention if they want to have the weekend away to just "carry on without me, and I'll look forward to catching up soon".

But don't bank on it or do any decorating or preparation or booking. If anyone asks for information just be factual and neutral.

If they let you know cool, if not no bother. It's up to you if your lovely DH wants to pay for their meal (I probably wouldn't).

This keeps the door open if anyone is nice and wants to turn up individually. Relegate them to friendly acquaintances.

Then do your own thing and just focus on yourself and your family.

Take the wind right out of anyone's sails.

Joan sounds like she is a ringleader who is enjoying the drama and I suspect others are just tagging along.

Some "nice" people can be absolute dicks if they think someone else is vulnerable and then they get a vicious pack mentality.... it's to do with social climbing, or competitive reasons, or all sorts of nonsense reasons!

I often steer clear of small intense groups for this reason.

Life is short, things change quickly. Even if friendship groups are great they often drift away for various random reasons!

Ultimately it's only you and your direct family you can rely on.

I'm a social over-analyser but I regret all the time I wasted trying to "solve" friendship situations with people rather than put energy into me and my own life goals!

@dappledeverglade I agree with @Whaleandsnail6