Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Yes, it is tainted now, and I would just bow out and say DH had made plans.

UNLESS they come come back very chastened and desperate to make it up to you.

They come accross as rather shallow and 'showy', I would hate all that over the top partying for a birthday, would much prefer your idea. They don't sound a particularily nice bunch to me. I just had a Thai meal with friends for my 40th and 50th! They would find me very boring...

Ibiza, then? There's actually a lot more to do there than clubbing, it gets a bad rep. However, that is very much not the point in this scenario. I hope you get some replies soon and they're decent.

Oh op this is awful, what a way to spoil someone's birthday! Even if they now say ok stick with the original plan you'll think it's all under sufferance. They've had their big dos let you choose yours! I'd be tempted to cancel the whole thing tbh. Joan sounds a right pita.

Thank you all for helping with this. I have just sent another quick message to say they can continue with the weekend away kinda thing. Just so they know it’s still okay to go, just not for my birthday!! I have handmade table decorations as gifts for my birthday lunch and had planned to do something like a wine bar after if everyone was in the mood. But I don’t think I can go ahead now.

I think you should post something along the lines of

" This whole thing (and now lack of replies) has left me feeling a bit crappy.

I made my birthday plans in good faith because I wanted to celebrate with my friends. I'm sorry that it wasn't any of your thing but I thought it would be a nice way to spend the day all together

the whole weekend away is not really me...I know it wasnt any of your intentions to make me feel bad, but its made me feel awkward and embarrassed so I think I'll just scrap the idea, it all feels a bit tainted now, like none of you would enjoy it and would only be there to keep me happy.

Enjoy your weekend away and I'll catch up with you soon"

Then leave any subsequent messages on read. Let them stew and reflect on how their behaviour has made you feel

Sorry they haven't replied. I would have come back to you in a instant to tell you how happy I am with you plan, as I think would most people. This is revealing a side to these people that isn't so pleasant. Maybe one of your 40th gifts to yourself should be rethinking some old friendships?

I mean who even plans a holiday abroad without checking budgets, preferences etc?!

Yes exactly. Sufferance is how I’d describe, just sitting through it.

I wouldn't be mortified, I'd be FURIOUS. Its rude to override someone else's plans for THEIR birthday and I'd think the rest were a bunch or wetwipes if they were discussing it with the queen bee behind your back. Are you sure they are friends? Because I reckon you deserve better.

The vibe I'm getting is Joan is spoilt and likes doing lavish things - she wants to use your birthday (or potentially any occasion) as an excuse to tick things off her own bucket list.

I have a suspicion Joan (and maybe the others?) prefer boozy celebrations and a craft oriented lunch would be too sober an option? Maybe I'm wrong?

I like what you suggested OP, it would be right up my street and I'd love to celebrate a friend's birthday in that way, I also like how you worded your message back to them. You are completely right here - stand your ground - it's them upsetting the applecart! I hope at least a couple of them are sensitive and empathetic enough to check back with you in a way that makes you feel better, it's your birthday and you shouldn't be made ti feel like shit about it.

I’m sorry your friends are being so mean OP. I think your idea sounds like a really fun time and they’re very rude and insensitive trying to change your plan.
Hopefully those who really care about you will accept your invitation.

I think I must have led a sheltered life because MN constantly astonishes me with tales of the new and bizarre ways people find to be rude and thoughtless.
OP you have invited your friends to do something for your birthday and they have basically said “that doesn’t sound very exciting” and arranged something else - is that right?? That’s unbelievably rude.
I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, I’m just agreeing that it would be totally normal to feel sad about that. You’ve done the right thing to straightaway say you can’t afford the new plan.

I’m really thinking this is the only way to save face now is by being honest, it does feel ruined. ☹️

I think your idea of an activity and meal sounds lovely, if you were my friend I'd be there.

Any other people you could invite and give Joan the heave ho or is she the Queen Bee? (Sorry I know we aren't at school but these dynamics do tend to continue with some sadly).

OP I really feel so sorry for you.
This is really appallingly rude and very vulgar.
You issued an invitation and Joan said it wasn't good enough.
Christ but she is uncouth.
You need to take a deep breath and realise she is not your friend.
This is not normal behaviour.
I would cancel everything.
I sure as hell wouldn't be paying for snything for these people.
Clearly there is another WhatsApp group which is even worse.
Do not dream of spending money you do not have on people like this.
Cancel asap with the bookings so you are not caught to pay.

OP, I have a very very comfortably off set of friends and none of us did anything more than a bite of dinner, often hosted by the birthday girl.
Very low key, very relaxed and enjoyable.
It shouldn't cause stress.
If it does, it is very wrong.
I am so sorry.
They are so rude.

Don't make any snap decisions
Try to step away from it for a bit
Mute the chat for a while and tell them you won't see any replies for a while as you are busy

The ball is in their court. You've been clear that you don't want to do the weekend away but you are happy if others do.

Just let the dust settle and see if you do want to go ahead with your idea in the end. Maybe some of them will message you individually. You would think some would be embarrassed of the behaviour

How awful for you.

Joan has behaved terribly and the others have been weak and insensitive to go along with her.
It's just going with the crowd type behaviour. Because Joan speaks up and is so confident and definite, siding with her seems like the safe position to take.
It's pathetic.

I suspect Jaon has done this to show you up. It's a power play. She wanted to belittle your plan and used a suggesting something 'much better' dressed up as belittling you.

It's worked. because she's left you feeling embarrassed and like your plan is shameful.

Don't let it work. Your plan is a vey pleasant suggestion for a 40th birthday. In any bodies world. In fact in my world it's extravagant. Getting together for a drink in the pub would be sufficient. But whichever way you look at it it's a very lovely plan to invite them to celebrate with you. Ans pay!!

Anyone with manners would either gracefully accept or decline, there are no other polite options.
Suggesting something else is extremely ignorant.

So chin up. You should not be embarrassed, Joan should. With her ignorant rude behaviour.

Don't act cowed act indignant:

'Just to let you all know we're going ahead with the planned activity and lunch for my birthday. I'm really looking forward to it I think it should be great fun. Please do confirm if you would like to come it will be lovely to celebrate with you.'

This says: I'm not embarrassed. This is my plan and it's a good one so fuck off Joan. I don't want any further 'suggestions' I just want polite RSVPs and if you are coming come with the good intentions of celeration.

Shame them all into some manners.

Was Joan the last to join the group? Is she the reason the others dropped out?

Is Joan a Cookoo?

That is about the strength of it yes. They didn’t even acknowledge my birthday - literally just said it wasn’t enough for my 40th and set about organising this weekend away.

I’m obviously very embarrassed. I did run it by a few and they said it sounded really nice. So I just assumed they would be happy to come.

Your plans sound awesome to me - can I come????

I agree with what Grace said. You can celebrate your birthday how you want to, and hopefully they will want to, too.

Sorry I thinks it’s ‘Wendied’ the term?

Again.....I am astonished at the people some MN-etters call friends

Joan is not your friend, OP

The others may be, individually, but not as a group ....as a group they are sheep following Queen Bee Joan

Leave the whatsapp group

Cancel your craft/lunch birthday celebrations

Do something low key with your husband and or another friend for your birthday

Avoid groups of friends for a while, until you have found your voice

See friends individually until then