Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

It is always lovely to have another MN knitter, @dappledeverglade - welcome to our yarnaholic midst. Be aware, we will entice you with lovely yarns that you will buy for some unspecified project and will never use, and this will carry on until your house is full of yarn. It's a lovely future, I promise.

The Scotland plan sounds perfect too - we live near Paisley, and moved up here after a number of family holidays where we fell in love with the country.

You might also get to see seals - we saw several when we were driving down the Clyde towards Greenock, so they don't just frequent the remote spots.

But they know OP well enough to know a weekend clubbing abroad is not her thing – underpinned by the low-key craft event and dinner she's already told them she wanted to do. She shouldn't have to acknowledge or thank them for riding roughshod over her plan and her feelings! And they're disappointed because they don't have the excuse of her birthday to hang the expense on now – if their hearts were in the right place, they'd have all immediately responded with an apology to her, cancelling the weekend away and committing to what she wanted to do to celebrate.

But they won't, because, with the exception of E, they don't appear to be decent friends or even very nice women.

It will be interesting to see if any of the others send you a card on your birthday and reach out to continue the friendship. Do come back and let us know!

I think you should do the craft thing and lunch with E. You can just go to a cafe if the cost is an issue, it can just be friends hanging out and sharing an interest rather than for your birthday. That way it's a bit distanced from the original gone wrong plan but you don't miss out.

I think they took the message that money was a concern and ran with it. A fun weekend away to treat you, packed full of ‘fun’ activities that are no longer your thing.

They overstepped, got it wrong and made you feel like crap, and that’s awful. But I think it came from a good place even though Joan and her Size 9 feet stomped all over it.

I also don’t think a separate WhatsApp is a problem - people are forever setting those up for birthdays, retirement presents, rota helping out when someone is in hospital etc. They were trying to arrange treat for you so needed to talk together about it.

Again, it was misjudged and Joan in particular overstepped. However I think they meant to express friendship, not to dismiss you.

The think is it's come and go, you do things to make friends happy b their birthday, I once had to go and see Barry Manilow as that's what my friend wanted to do on her birthday !

But why? Op had already organised what she wanted to do, all they needed to do was show up, there was absolutely no need to decide they were doing something different.

I hope you explained to friend B that as it was supposed to be to celebrate your birthday, it would have been nice if you could have had a say in what form the celebration took, just like all the other friends have chosen their own way of celebrating.

@BeaandBen I'm pretty sure that OP said a while back that they weren't intending to treat her but she would have to stump up her share?

@BeaAndBen - you may be right that this initially came from a good place, and the group just wanted @dappledeverglade to have a fun weekend to celebrate her 40th - but what didn't come from a good place was a) not listening to her when she told them how SHE wanted to celebrate and then b) trying to guilt trip her into going along with a celebration that she couldn't afford and wouldn't enjoy!

It's really not the end of the world that people wanted to organise a trip for your 40th. Yes slightly upsetting how they went about it but you won't give a fig in a couple of weeks once you get some perspective. I hesitate to say the phrase first world problem because I totally get that first world problems can be hugely upsetting too. But the upset will go quickly I'm sure in this case.

And some friends come and go in life and it's the true friends that really matter. If they are real friends they will be desperate to make this right and if they aren't they won't.

Yeah I first noticed it was a thing when I was in my late 20s so it’s been around around 2010 if not before .

There are many art & craft sessions, in London and Manchester at least, that are aimed at the 30+ crowd and they’re extremely popular with young women in their late twenties and up.

I’m in my late 30s and terrible at arty and craft stuff although I don’t necessarily hate them I don’t find them that enjoyable either with the exception of a few things like painting and kintsugi.

Maybe the reason I don’t like them is because I have issues with fine motor movements, but it doesn’t matter at all. I’d jump at the chance to celebrate my friends birthday even if it was something I really can’t do like sewing. I mean I draw the line at an activity like sky diving or something as I’m terrified of heights and would just cry 😆 , but I don’t think crafting is too onerous even for those of us who aren’t in to it!

I've just read through the entire thread and I am livid for you OP! That one friend seems alright offering to take you to dinner, but the rest of them sound like complete bitches. I would not be spending any more time with them. Joan is definitely the Regina George of the group but all of them are crappy friends - every.single.one.

Your mum sounds awesome and I think you've made the right decision spending your hard earned money surrounded by people that love you and will celebrate with you the way YOU want. Fuck the rest of them.

Now that’s a true friend.

Honestly I'd reply to B and tell her that they didn't plan you a lovely 40th, they planned how you were going to spend £1K or whatever you simply do not have on a party holiday for them. You planned what you wanted to do and was within your budget. If they didn't like your idea they could have offered to plan you something but should have asked your budget first.

Actually I bet Barry Manilow is great fun to see live.😬

I would be very surprised if this particular group was still a group by the time 50th birthday celebrations come around.

One thing I found was I found my inner confidence start to grow in my early 30s and it has blossomed more with every passing decade.

Now having recently turned 50, my tolerance for the Joans of this world and their bull💩 is at an all time low. I am comfortable advocating for myself and have dropped the toxic friends and still have the ones worthy of the name. Some of those friends were once part of an overall group and we manage to co-exist in the knowledge that some still have contact with those others felt to need to drop. In fact now I think of it, I have no idea if my still good friends are still in contact with the ex friends. We don't tend to talk about them.

A couple of people of your original group have extracted themselves OP, and it sounds like you are on your way as well. Others will follow. Some (maybe E) you will retain a friendship with, others perhaps more peripheral and others will fade away completely. From the information you have provided in this thread, I suspect Joan and B will be the last. It's usually the ones that see themselves as the Queen Bees that need the group the most. Without it, who do they have to rule the roost over?

He is! Even if you're not a huge fan

Mind it's 40+ years ago that I went!

No.

If they were really good friends, they would have gone along with what the Op had suggested for her birthday. It isn't about them or their feelings.

Op, have a fab weekend in Scotland and a lovely dinner with your true friend. Better to have one good friend, than a bunch of thoughtless 'fairweather friends'.

Your plans sound fabulous. I'd just message and say - just to let you know I'm now planning a weekend to Scotland with family as you didn't want them to feel awkward that they were keen to do an activity you wouldn't enjoy given you hate clubbing, but clearly that's their preference. Have a lovely weekend away.

And leave it at that.

An opportunity to send a text to the two who have exited, and have that dinner with the friend who has been a friend, and any others and simply state 'I am finding one of the group a bit overbearing, but I would love to see you .'

I know I’m probably being harsh and I don’t want to ruin your contentment because it is a lovely message 🥰 but I wish she’d had the balls to put it on the GC. I’m so jealous of your Scottish trip, I really want to go one day! There’s groups on Facebook that give really good help and tips fyi ‘Scotland travel tips’ is one and I can’t think of the the other off the top of my head 🌷

They more than likely did or else got fed up with making an effort to try and keep up with the Jones

So after you made it very clear that you didn’t want to go on the girls weekend away for budgetary reasons they are still pushing for it and trying to convince you to go!

These are not friends and Joan certainly is not, just respond and say by all means they should go ahead and ye can arrange dinner to celebrate your birthday some other time, then just never arrange it, keep it light and breezy

You won't regret it OP. I am in Scotland and it's gorgeous. Sorry your plans have been ruined but you can still have a lovely time celebrating you!