Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I’m not surprised/ the Joans of this world get their gang to do their dirty work for them

Kudos to Friend E, actually being a friend!
I would be curious to know @dappledeverglade , you mentioned in your OP that you’ve lost a couple from the group over time due to them moving etc, what their takes on Joan are now they’ve left the group…

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

While it’s true that they may be using the excuse of your birthday for a knees up abroad, I think you need to to acknowledge that they were genuinely trying to do something they thought you’d enjoy and were not aware that you couldn’t afford it or that you wouldn’t like it.

I can see it’s disappointing for them that something that they had been planning to please you however misguided, has been rejected wholesale.

They sound like their hearts are in the right place and care about you.

I know loads of women who would love a craft class: stained glass making; wreath making; painting events at local venues. They're sociable.

Your original plans sounded lovely, your new plans sound fab too. Please do not arrange to go for drinks, coffee etc. Real friends don't behave like they have or make you feel rubbish. Give yourself the best present by phasing them out and finding your tribe.

I have looked more closely at the other two pulling away, once this happened. I thought about it last night and wondered if something had happened. One moved, but not so far she couldn’t meet up, and the other became busy with other stuff. Both have complained quietly over the years that they find Joan overbearing. Looking back maybe they did simply choose to fade out. I sometimes see them, and they seem fine, but it makes me wonder.

Joan will be indignant at how ungrateful you are when she spent time organising it entirely for your benefit and not hers at all!!!

How lovely.
I suspect there has been some reflection now and some of them will start to realise what they have done...
A lovely dinner with your friend sounds wonderful

Really pleased friend E came through for you, was seething on your behalf. I wonder if some of the others, not Joan (!) will message something similar? You may end up with lots of dinner dates! Hope you have a wonderful time in Scotland too.

Blow it up? I'd take a flamethrower to it! I would not want to be part of any friendship group so rude and thoughtless. I do agree that they didn't intend to offend but they didn't expect the OP to be offended by their entitiled behaviour which to me is worse.

This!! 100 💯

It doesn’t matter if they like crafts or not if they’re her good friends they would make the effort considering they’re all local and there’s no cost issues.

I find people who can only celebrate friends birthdays if they’re doing something they would like to do quite self-centred and silly.

I’ve just remembered something slightly similar but much less extreme happened to me a while back. I organised an English afternoon tea for my birthday and a friend said she wasn’t coming as she didn’t like it but sent me a link to an Asian style afternoon tea and said if I’d change it to that she would come.

I found it really absurd and just told her no I wasn’t going to change my event for her. The hotel I was having it at was close to her area and I was paying for everyone’s afternoon tea. So even if it wasn’t her thing, the idea that she couldn’t jump on the underground to come and eat a cake or two in honor of my birthday was a bit strange to me. It was the weekend and she didn’t have any childcare or work commitments.

Especially as I’ve travelled from Manchester to London to attend her various events before including things I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen myself. We’re still friends but it did make me open my eyes a bit about her and now I feel ok about returning the energy and declining things she invites me to if they don’t float my boat 😆

I agree. I hope so too, but just saying I wouldn’t engage further either if I recognised myself in a post like this. Or I’s reply like friend B who wanted to go for dinner.

OP I am glad you have one good friend....maybe think about contacting the other fader outers....nothing heavy, just to see how they are.

I can see they might have got carried away, and they wanted to make it fun maybe, and this is probably their version of that. Maybe it is highlighting the fact we are all hitting 40 now and have different interests. We have more time now the kids are older. I just can’t do club weekends anymore, but 10 years ago I probably would have gone. Maybe I have changed as well. Turning into a lovely MN knitter after all! 🧶🧵

That’s lovely, I think friend E is a keeper!

I would lose the last sentence and distance myself tbh.

Sounds like it’s time to start a new group with friend E and let the rest of them crack on . I hope you have a lovely time in Scotland .

Been watching your updates from behind my fingers cos it's just so bloody awful & this group (Joan's Cronies) sound unbearable.

But this update is lovely & I'm really pleased there's a normal human among them & that she's reached out to you!

Also - your Scotland trip sounds far far nicer. All in all this is a win for you - albeit a slightly awkward way to get there.

Astonished by this thread in its entirety. The cheek of some people bulldozing their ideas on others. Scotland will be great OP enjoy.

They are being awful. I’m so sorry. I would send the message someone up thread suggested, but add a bit: "I did ask a few people first and they agreed they would enjoy it so I don’t understand why it’s suddenly not a good idea. It’s supposed to be to celebrate my birthday and I thought you were all good enough friends to agree to what I chose for this occasion. I’m very sad and hurt that apparently I was wrong and instead you want to do something for my birthday that you must know is not my type of thing, and currently I can’t stretch to it financially.

But it’s all spoilt now anyway."

Let them feel guilty.

Me too. I've done years of traveling, clubbing and crafting. I don't understand the comments about crafting being for the elderly. Are people that out of touch and unaware of the huge movement over the last 15 years in crafting, upcycling, creative arts amongst the trendy young folk? Personally, doing a craft I haven't done before and having something lovely and interesting to take home would mean more to me to mark a special birthday than one more generic night out in a long history of nights out.

but would you EVER have overrun a friend's invitation to the birthday activity that they had suggested...I mean I can think if things I dislike enough that I would have said "sorry but I really can't do that" but I would have added "but have a wonderful time" NOT "so lets all do what I want instead"

So strange, they don’t sound like good friends especially with one of them you sly digs. O had friends like this in my teens/ twenties and I have gladly gotten rid of them now and have fewer but better friends. I’m in London, and this is what Londoners do, crafty cafe type of thing and then nice dinner, never been away with friends for birthdays past the age of 30…

You’ll know very quickly who your true friends are. This one sounds like one of them.