Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Yeah tbh I can’t believe that Joan et al didn’t realise the were treading on OP’s toes

Oh I should think that they did but just didn't care.

That was before one of them clarified they’d “worked hard” to sort a weekend out. 8 thought. When the OP was explaining how it usually worked for the other birthday weekends.

Again, I think the crucial thing is these are the OP’s friends. They got it wrong and Joan is overbearing but at heart these are people who like @dappledeverglade and want to spend time.

I feel it’s best to assume good intentions when looking at what friends do.

I could be way off but she’s known them no a good long while.

It's YOUR birthday. Be honest tell them you can neither afford nor do you want to do a holiday. You've chosen something enjoyable to you. Remind your friend that you didn't shit all over their birthday plans and you'd appreciate the same courtesy towards your birthday plans. If they don't wish to participate that's their loss and you do something that you will enjoy whether they join in or not

It sounds like it all happened really quickly though, before OP had a chance to react?

As she said in an earlier post, "It feels like they all knew, as they were way too quick to agree altogether. It moved so fast that I missed half of the messages. By the time I read it they were on to dates, had agreed the place.
It felt pre planned.
Maybe it wasn’t.
Joan said it in a very confident way, it didn’t feel like a question, just that this was happening and that’s that."

Personally, I feel like after Joan said, "Oh we can do better than that for your 40th, let's go to Ibiza!" -- the proper response from the others should have been, "Sounds great, but let's see what OP wants to do. It's her birthday, after all!" Instead they all pitched in agreeing and started deciding on dates for the flights. Before OP had a chance to even say a word.

Your birthday your choice how you celebrate " You're right it is MY 40th and I've told you what I want to do I do not want to go away Please let me know if you will be joining me to celebrate how I want to !'

Lovely that E has come on your side.

Thinking of B’s playbook response

I think I would also message her to say that you felt it quite rude that YOUR plans for YOUR birthday were deemed not good enough and even if you could afford their planned trip you thought they would know you better than to think a boozy hen do like trip was something you would enjoy

Oh, and I'm appalled that it's turned into a, "But Joan's worked so hard! Why are you being so mean to poor Joan?!" situation. Ugh. You'll have a much better time in Scotland with your family, OP! And your friend E sounds lovely, at least.

You've reminded me that in 1999, I took a day off from my job as a City lawyer to go and do a shoemaking workshop. It was full of young, professional women like me in their 20s/30s doing something different for a day. My boss was so impressed with my blue, suede handmade shoes that she tried to book it as a corporate entertainment event. So it really isn't anything new.

But OP didn't ask them to sort out a weekend. OP didn't hint that the craft day was because she didn't have much of a budget or that she'd have preferred a weekend away. She's already said someone had a nice garden type party for their 40th so it wasn't as if everyone had a weekend away.

So what made them think it was a good idea to just dismiss her plans with a 'sounds great but it's your 40th let's organise something better' from 'Joan'. What's better than doing something you actually enjoy on your birthday? Joan had her 40th, did what she wanted to do. So her chance to get everyone to Ibiza clubbing has been and gone. Bad luck Joan. You don't get a 2nd chance by riding roughshod over something that someone else was looking forward to. If Joan wanted Ibiza, Joan should organise Ibiza for herself. It would be my idea of hell to be honest.

One of my friends arranged for a theatre trip and a meal for her hen night as she hates clubbing, doesn't drink much and is a lovely, quiet, woman. We all went, had a lovely evening, lots of reminiscing around the table and gave her (I hope) a wonderful memory. Because we love her. And we wanted her to have a day that SHE would enjoy - not the one we may have thought she'd 'deserved' (actually we never even thought about what she 'deserved' - she told us what she wanted to do and we did it. It's not hard, you just have to turn up!)

About 15 years ago I gave a friend, who's been a massive Barry Manilow fan her entire life, two tickets for herself and her husband to use.

Husband refused to go, so I was stuck. Shudder! It was interminable. Audience primarily very smitten older ladies who kept standing and singing along, blocking my view.

As an autistic person I'm completely baffled by this thread.

I'd cut off my arm to have friends that would plan & organise anything for a birthday of mine. I'd melt with joy at a friends weekend away.

Unfortunately I dont have anyone I think would even come to the pub for a drink with me on a big birthday.

I think there are lots of lonely people who don't have any friends.

So from that perspective I think people who do should appreciate what they have.

Don't you also think that, if you've organised something you would enjoy for your own birthday, your friends should appreciate the fact that you've done that and come along?

They didn't need to organise anything, it was already done. They just had to accept the invitation, turn up with a view to having fun then enjoyed a meal at a, to quote OP, 'one of the nicest restaurants in the area'.

Instead they dismissed that as potentially lame and organised their version of what OP SHOULD like. Very rude.

Whilst I sympathise it's hard for people who are lonely, it doesn't mean OP should just be pulled along with what others want on a day/occasion that is quite literally meant to be all about her and what she wants.

None of their planning was for the OP, it was all about them/Joan and what they/Joan wanted.

The OP, nor anyone else in this sort of situation, should simply just "appreciate it".

They obviously don’t know well enough to know.

Egging OP on to the most negative and paranoid reading of her friends actions doesn’t help her.

If they were that bad she wouldn’t have been friends for so long, and friends who come up with a plan to celebrate your birthday in a way that isn’t your thing is a much better problem to nor than a bunch of friends who don’t notice it at all.

So I would acknowledge the good intention behind it even if it came out poorly in translation.

Sounds very meek and apologetic for a problem created by the selfish friends own amusement. Why bother, they aren't worth bowing and scraping to keep friends with.

Right, I think that’s a more productive take. They wanted to do something special one way, you wanted to do something special in another - there seems to be good intentions on both sides so I’m sure you can get end up on the same page.

But the point here is that, from what OP has said, everyone else has celebrated their 40th in the way they wanted.

Now it's her turn, it's suddenly fine to start rearranging plans, changing ideas, putting things on a table that already had something on it (the craft and restaurant). There was nothing to plan, nothing to organise. Absolutely nothing to do other than turn up with a present and a smile. It's very simple.

They all just pitched up for everyone else's celebrations without a murmur (apparently, as OP mentioned other people had done various things), why did they start stirring the pot on this occasion?

It didn't come out badly in translation. It was rude. It would have been a good intention if OP had said 'look, I can't afford to have a celebration at the moment'. Then it would have been nice if someone had said 'we've organised a surprise'. But she didn't, she had something organised that they all turned their noses up at then said we can do better. That's not good intention, that's downright rude.

What are friends?

To me, friends are people who understand, support, care, hear and love

Not people who ride roughshod, make their choices more important than yours and don't listen (the OP could not afford Joan's ideas but none of her "friends" heard her )

These "friends" as described by the OP are not people I would call friends

From their perspective they just thought her suggestion was modest and they wanted to do something really special. OP says they all did “great things for their 40ths’” so they just wanted to do something similar so she’s not the odd one out.

They didn’t know OP couldn’t afford to go abroad, they only know now.

🤣 they basically walked all over her plans for her birthday as not good enough and instead took on Joan's idea of a booze session abroad somewhere op doesn't like. They sound tone death.

But they did know it's not really her kind of thing. Op said it involves doing something that they know she wouldn't enjoy.

The weekend away wasn't planned with op in mind.

I find it amazing how some people can always make it about them. This is your 40th - you should be able to celebrate it how you want and they should respect that and your reasons rather than make it about themselves. How rude. They (or at least some of them) are not true friends - they are users.

Hello op. This is all so sad. Awful that you are being pushed into a situation that You do not wish to be in. I have also recently been in a similar situation where I was requested by some of the girls who missed my birthday party to make a booking for dinner last night (18th). This certain person, who is rather domineering, decided that, after it was all confirmed, she didn't want to do dinner. Please could we change it to lunch? Erm, everyone else was really looking forward to going out for the evening, not mid-day. Also I have medical issues that I need to manage. So eventually she decided that she was busy every weekend until the end of February. so we had no option but to continue without her. However! The last time we went out for dinner, she turned up 1.5hrs late, stayed for 20 minutes, and then left.

Anyway, I just thought it might help to realise that some friends just have totally different standards. And if you're anywhere near Gloucestershire - I'll come and celebrate your birthday with you x

Ugh, I think you've handled yourself very graciously here considering the schoolyard behaviour of some of this friendship group..

I'd have to say something, I'd be furious that Joan has railroaded plans and then when they fail, twisted things to make that a disappointment to her rather than entirely her own fault for being a domineering bully!

'Dear All..

I am at a loss to understand why there is disappointment that I cannot, and do not want, to come to a weekend away that I did not ask for, did not agree to, and cannot afford.

If Joan is disappointed this is entirely of her own making, as she has attempted to bulldoze me into a plan that suits her, and is to her tastes, not mine, without ever asking me, and in full awareness that this is not an activity I would enjoy.

I will be spending my birthday the way I want, with the people I love.'

And then leave the group on mute and go do your thing.

The ones who are friends but just being a bit wet will find you. The ones who are entirely pathetic or bigger fans of Joan will not and you can block/delete and leave the group as appropriate later on.

Hope you have a great time up here in Scotland, weather might not always be the best but some of our scenery is absolutely stunning 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿