Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Can I also thank you everyone on here for so many lovely posts and encouragement. You are unbelievably supportive and kind and are really good people.

I felt a real sense of us all being in this together, and as much as dh does his best, he looks slightly panicked when it comes to the intricacies of female friendships, like it’s a total enigma to him!

Aw lovely

Where is D in all of this?

I mean often in a group there are subsets with more in common.

So A, B & C & maybe you with D&E?

And getting drunk in a club sounds more like something you'd do in your twenties. But not everyone 40 & under needs alcohol in order to have fun.

I'm glad you have made your own plans and that one friend has offered to go for dinner with you. I've never liked groups where one or two forceful people steer everything. Maybe going forward it would work better to plan things with the ones in the group you prefer, or one person at a time. That way you may salvage something from this and actually end up with better friends. Personally I think it's outrageous that Joan rode roughshod over your plans. She sounds like someone with no empathy or sensitivity towards others at all - no big loss imo.

What a lovely update. AND you get a Scottish family trip. AND you find out Friend B isn't a friend after all. Silver linings and all that.

As much as I hate crafty stuff I would have still gone to your birthday celebrations because quite frankly it should be about WHO you spend time with, not the WHAT. I would have turned up, chatted, had laughs, and not touched a pot or paint - easy peasy to do, and I'm sure would have made OP very happy still.

friend e sounds like a good friend OP - I would maybe ring her or arrange to meet up for a coffee to explain I’m why you are feeling so hurt. Everything you have said on here regarding your 40th, your financial situation and what you THE BIRTHDAY GIRL wants to do on their 40th. Even if you had the cash and the time you should get to spend your birthday how you choose in a place you want to visit.

i think your friends have behaved really poorly. I do agree with previous post that you do risk losing a friendship group here, even if they are just Funtime friends it is still nice to have those, so I could carefully consider what you do next. Perhaps meet up with them and explain in person how you have on here and see if you can resolve it. At least them you know you have tried and you might at least be able to see if this is all Joan as they won’t be able to hide behind a WhatsApp chat and decide their response in a separate side chat.

For what it’s worth I would have loved your original 40th celebrations!

Oh and I just wanted to say it’s always Joan’s birthday 😂 It literally is! Trust me there are no exceptions to this rule. I think she would admit that herself 💃🏻

Time for Joan to go I think !!

Have you heard nowt from Joan yet?

@dappledeverglade I've had great boat trips to see puffins on the Isle of May (from Anstruther, Fife) and on Lunga (from Isle of Mull).

I’m so happy that Friend E messaged you .. she’s worth hanging on too … pity she didn’t say it in the group chat but I get it. That group sounds toxic AF!!

Joan will turn against someone else now as Joan’s always do so just sit back enjoy Scotland.

I love that you got this response from her - definitely go for dinner with her 😊

There is an excellent expression to describe people like her: the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral and the child at every christening.

Glad friend E is stepping up. At least you now know which of the group is a real friend.

Now this has confirmed my suspicion that OP's friends are not all like Joan, but may have been too scared to stand up to her in the past for fear of getting the kind of treatment OP is experiencing right now. We don't know how many are in the group, but I suspect others might also be getting fed up with Joan's antics and OP has now undermined her position as the self-appointed Queen Bee - so wouldn't be surprised if OP gets a few more texts along these lines.

It’s excellent about your friend and the dinner OP

but always be a BIT wary just in case this friend is using the dinner to feed gossip back to the group. However I’m 99% sure this isn’t the case OP so RESULT! Have a great time ! 🙌

That's lovely to hear.

As you weren't invited and at least one of the group has come back to say she would have enjoyed it, the OP wasn't entirely wrong to pick something she wanted to do

Read her posts

That’s lovely that E broke ranks and contacted you separately.

So the only reason I can think of for Joan and others to be a bit miffed is that you let this go on for some time before saying anything. If Joan had replied initially along the lines of “oh come on, we can do better than that! How about a girls weekend in Ibiza?” and you’d shot it down IMMEDIATELY before they started looking at flights I think it would have been much easier. I understand you felt a little blindsided though.

Yeah tbh I can’t believe that Joan et al didn’t realise the were treading on OP’s toes

I think this is very astute and spot on. You don’t need to abandon the friendships entirely, just adjust your expectations of what this group provides in terms of friendship.

It just proves they don't know her AT ALL

Yep, exactly what I was saying.

Not a dicky bird. Nothing at all.