Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Hopefully they do see it and realise how awful they are. What sort of 'friends' replace the birthday girls suggested idea with their own excuse for a getaway of their own choice.

This kind of behaviour from your friends really pisses me off. I'd go with the following message because it's clear and calls out their bullshit for what it is while hopefully making it possible to keep at least some of the friendships if you want that when the dust settles:

Look I'm sure you all meant well in trying to organise something you see as special for my birthday.

Having celebrated all of your birthdays as you wanted, I'm actually really disappointed that you've decided you know better than me and ignored my plans in favour of your own. I'd made the plans I did because that was how I wanted to celebrate MY birthday. Whereas the weekend you've organised isn't my sort of holiday at all, and even if it was it's out of my budget this year.

And while I'm sure this wasn't your intention I now just feel really awkward, sad and embarrassed, so I'm going to just leave it for this year and make plans with my family. Maybe we can celebrate my 41st instead.

One of the nastiest things is that they obviously have a separate group chat going on.

Sympathies OP.

Don’t write anything to them. They’ll cherrypick from your message to justify their behaviour further.

The only risk is that if they haven't been talking in another chat, this will give the group more ammunition and OP will look to be the bad guy.

They are being incredibly selfish OP. I think you should individually message one or two of the group who you like the best and explain the situation properly and how you feel. You could still end up doing something nice with some of the quieter girls who are probably just sitting in limbo not sure what the plans are and waiting to see (though they should definitely have piped up in the WhatsApp group). They probably don't realise how much you're agonizing over this. I'm not defending them and Girl A sounds manipulative and horrible but it would be a shame to let her win or to loose good friends over this. They probably need the excuse of your birthday to justify a holiday to their partners but hold firm. I guarantee there will be a couple in the group who don't really care, just want to keep the peace but would be genuinely happy to celebrate whatever way you want to..

How rude and patronising they are. You don’t need Joan to appoint herself to work hard to make it special.

You’d invited them to something special. They suggested it wasn’t enough. And went ahead with organising something else without consulting you. Disrespectful and rude, even if well meant.

You’ve then politely said you can’t afford a weekend away.

Why would they be disappointed with that? It’s your birthday.

They don’t sound like friends. And they don’t seem to have similar interests to you. Maybe, keep them as a group to meet up with for a coffee and a natter now and again. But perhaps not a group to go on holiday or share birthdays with.

It sounds more like being forced to go on a work team building exercise at a company you hate with colleagues you don't really like but put up with!!!

Dispatching someone to talk to you? Are they a cult?

They aren't your friends as a group. Individually perhaps but as a group online no. Get off the group chat if you can.

Your family sound thrilled you want to be with them. None of you seem very good at being assertive! Look what you achieve when you tell each other how you feel. Always put your family and your family memories first.

Is B Joan's chief flying monkey by any chance?

Nice attempt as gaslighting, unfortunately we can all see through you.

Have fun in Scotland OP, and well done for not buckling to the group.

Your Scottish plans sound fantastic! And you will be celebrating with people who love you and want to make your day special for you. Not for them.

That message is awful. And confirms suspicious that Joan had planned this to suit her not you.

I would reply along the lines...

I really don't know what you were all thinking! A weekend clubbing in Ibiza is my idea of hell! And as I wasn't consulted or given any say in the matter, you really can't be surprised that I don't want to go. I'm actually really hurt that none of you have listened to what I wanted to do and instead have decided my plans weren't good enough and made others. I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I know Joan will love it. I've now made birthday plans with my family, and have cancelled the original plans.

That lets them know that you are well aware the weekend was all for Joan and that you are very hurt. And I would start withdrawing from the group. That message was nasty. If they had admitted they made a bad call fine but they are now guilting you that poor Joan has worked so hard...

When someone shows you who they are believe them!
Send that message and then mute the group. And start looking forward to your wonderful break!

I'd message again and say sorry if I wasn't clear, I can't afford a weekend away for my fortieth. Would love to celebrate with you as I had planned but if you don't want to that's fine. Do book a weekend away for yourselves, I don't expect you not to go because I cant.

I would probably be backing away from this friendship group though, initially I was prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt but their responses are shitty.

They seem pretty clueless, so I think you need to be clear and firm with them. Point out that they should know it’s not the sort of holiday that you’re into, so why would you want to do that for your own birthday? Also point out that nobody in the group waited for your opinion or check whether he wanted to do it.
if you’re feeling uncomfortable about it possibly turning into a falling out, then you can still state the above in pleasant way.
I think you’ll feel better if you get that off your chest, at least. x x

This is good.

@dappledeverglade I think something like “but I invited you all to something I had planned for us, that I wanted to do; I did not ask anyone to choose and book something else for me. With respect, none of you has even asked me what I would like to do and, while Joan has picked something she would like, it isn’t what I would pick for myself. Please go ahead and enjoy what Joan has arranged for you; I won’t be joining you”

Message back to B

”I planned something for my birthday that suited me, and more importantly that I could afford. Do you all really not understand that we are in a tricky financial position this year? I was happy about the plan I made though, and was a bit offended to be honest that it wasn’t deemed good enough by the group.

Then you’ve all gone ahead and planned a weekend that a) I can’t afford and b) isn’t really me anyway. Clubbing isn’t really my ideal night out, it’s more up Joan’s street no?

You didn’t even wait for me to reply so it doesn’t seem like it’s really planned with me in mind. And now you are trying to make me feel guilty for not taking part. This whole thing has put me off doing anything for my birthday so I’m just going to leave it now.

Actually THIS nails it 🎯

Yikes why are they now trying to guilt trip you? Strange!

What power does Joan, or people like her have over the others?! What is so great about her that they would treat a nice person badly to remain in her good graces

Agree with these two responses

Bright and breezy is the way to go. And don't burn your bridges completely. Just recalibrate the friendships a bit in your own head

MN is full of people who seem to cut off friends completely for one misdemeanor. Also full of people who complain they have no friends. This is not coincidence

Also, lots of keyboard warriors who wind posters up, rather than calm them down. Some people thrive on other people's dramas. This is your life

@dappledeverglade whether you choose to respond to B and/or the group, they have spectacularly demonstrated that only people of a certain level of financial comfort are welcome in their circle. So sorry but I really think this is a thing.
If you feel brave enough tell them one of the great responses already offered here and leave the group, these people are not really good friends.
It is not easy to take the nuclear option but probably better, in the long term, for your MH.

Oof. I’d be inclined to knock the whole thing on the head now and look forward to Scotland. just say something like:
This is getting too complicated and I’m going to drop the idea of celebrating with friends this year and go away with family. All the best.
Then go and enjoy.

Are they really friends? really?

Some good suggested messages from posters. I would try and make it brief.
You have presented me with a plan that as close friends you would know is not something that I would want to do for my birthday and despite me saying it's not my idea of fun and adding it is too expensive for me you are now pressing me to come. So like on dragons den I won't be investing and I'm out.

They're clearly not friends and she needs to swerve them so doesn't matter how much 'ammunition' there is, she won't be there to be a target

Bin the lot of them. Nasty bitches

enjoy a fabulous weekend in Scotland with people you love and people who love you.