Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I think you need to be more assertive with these so called friends.
When you first invited them and Joan started on the holiday plans you needed to step in and say no, and keep saying no. It sounds like you let them continue the discussion.
You had already booked the craft, so why not keep mentioning this. 'Joan let me stop you there, I have already booked this activity, are you coming or not'. 'Joan, you sound really excited about booking a trip away but this date is my birthday and I have already suggested the craft and meal which is now booked'. 'can everyone let me know if they are coming to the craft and meal so I can confirm numbers'.
You need to be firm and repetitive.

Now that friend B has intervened and said they were meant to be planning something nice for you, you again need to be assertive and say that no you had already chosen what you wanted for your birthday and you are disappointed in them for not listening and accepting this. You could add that you have now cancelled any plans as you feel let down by everyone.

You do sound like you let them walk all over you.

I am glad you have made other plans, is this what you wanted in the first place? Again when the friends started you could have said well actually I will need to save my big birthday celebrations for another year as I would actually like to go away with family.

I would message saying " I've now cancelled the craft morning as it wasn't well received. I won't be going on the weekend away as it's not what you want. It's unfortunate Joan is upset her plans your birthday don't suit you but you will be 40 not 4 and had planned what you wanted. "

OP I think your original plan sounds like a lovely enjoyable celebration, befitting of what you’d enjoy, which should be the whole point. I’d have loved to have been. Invited to that. Keep the “friends” at arms length.

You come across as a very lovely person and your new plans sound wonderful. I hope you have the best time, and that things pick up financially again.

I really like this message - I’ve never been interested in chasing people who treat me poorly or sharing my hurt feelings with people who quite evidently don’t care or respect me.

This message is calm, direct and says quite a bit without actually saying it (ie why the fuck was Joan working on a holiday plan for herself under the guise of calling it a bday trip??) and it also doesn’t torch the relationship and possibly make run ins awkward… though personally I’d be fading this friendship group out, they aren’t friends I’d want in my life.

I agree with your edit.
The weekend and whether you can afford is not the point. The point is you extended an invite they did not want to do it so you are cancelling.
You don't need to explain why you don't want to do something else.

Hi All I'm cancelling the plans for my craft and lunch birthday celebration as the invite hasn't been well received. I had hoped it would be a lovely way to celebrate together. I'm going to do something with family instead. Catch up soon.

Not surprised you didn’t get any or a short reply to your messages as you are outing everything they say or do on an open chat forum. With a chance it would be picked up by the Daily Fail.

I don’t believe for a second you didn’t write this post not understanding they would read it.

Jesus, what part of ‘can’t afford it’ don’t they understand. It’s such bad manners to insist on something that one person, critically the birthday girl, cannot afford. Sorry you’re dealing with this, but perhaps it’s good to finally know where you stand with them. Your Scottish break sounds divine!

This is exactly what I'd say... no drama they can spin later & it's true!

@dappledeverglade These people aren't your friends, whether it's this Joan or the silent others, they're all dickheads

Your new plan sounds absolutely perfect & has actually inspired me to try to do something similar for OH & my birthday (we're a week apart) so thanks! I hope & know you'll have a far better time with your loved ones relaxing rather than having to plaster on a fake smile with these bunch of pricks

Brilliant update that you are going with family instead- I'm so happy for you and positive you will have a lovely time with loved ones 🥰

As for the shitty group - I don't think it's fair at all they are now playing the 'poor Joan' card - just shows how dismissive they are of you and your feelings. It's your fucking birthday ffs. Very sad and tasteless of them all

Lucky escape. A 'sorry, I'm busy the full weekend celebrating now' with a mute chat would suffice. They've all been really awful and it's frustrating they can't work that out themselves. The non-responses have really irked me on your behalf

Your weekend in Scotland sounds wonderful!
Uninvite them now, they do not sound like nice people...

I would say "change of plans, am now going away with the family. They've just sprung it on me. Sorry for any trouble thats caused".

But then I'm not one for confrontation and adding anything more means you have to explain things and get in a back amd forth.

I hate people like this. I’ve had it done before to me. It’s like they think you should enjoy this stuff so they’re forcing it on you. Or maybe they don’t care and just focus on themselves.

A more charitable view would be they’re just caught up in the excitement of some time away that they’ve forgotten you don’t like such things.

This ^

It’s clear, to the point without giving them too much to talk shit about in their other group chat.

Enjoy your alternative plans, OP.

It's bad enough them belittling and riding roughshod over your plans for your birthday, but friend B is actually trying to make you feel guilty for not enthusiastically agreeing to the expensive trip away and painting Joan as the victim who just wanted to do something lovely for your birthday.

I'd bin the lot of them at this point.

This is a good response. I do think you need to get your side across.

That you had been excited about your idea and you were "disappointed" (use their word) they were unable to go with what you had thought of doing. That the conversation has run away from you and ended up at something you a) can't afford b) isn't what you had in mind. You could say you appreciate them getting so excited about your birthday but you hope they understand why you can't go ahead with this trip. There's nothing stopping them though and hope they all enjoy it.

I would just say Joan has suggested her ideal weekend away but as you all know that isn't my thing and I can’t afford it. I've cancelled what I had planned as none of you seem to want to join me in celebrating my 40th in the way I want to within my means. I'm really disappointed that after supporting all of you in celebrating your birthdays how you wanted I'm not a good enough friend for you to do the same.

I'm so sorry they are complete shits.

Or this what PP suggested but with added bit in bold:

Hi All, I'm going to cancel the plans for the craft and lunch as it wasn't well received so I'll do something with family instead. I'm just not in a position to afford the weekend away at the moment and had hoped the lunch and craft would be a nice idea. Appreciate you were disappointed I didn't get excited by the holiday idea but I hope that equally you appreciate why I'm disappointed you weren't able to accommodate what I had set out to do for my 40th. Catch up with you all soon.

No, it would be expressing an opinion and actually trying to help. As we can see, I'm not the only person who doesn't like crafting so I think it's a valid question.
Of course, the person can just reply that they're sure and I would come to the lunch afterwards, lunch or dinner being a very good choice that will suit most people.

Then you said I should say I 'couldn't make' the craft thing rather than the truth that it's not for me. Even 'it's not for me' is a putting it mildly, but I definitely wouldn't lie to a friend and I wouldn't want my friends to lie to me either. If I invite them to something they don't want to do, I'd prefer them to be honest. If they lie and say they can't make it, I'd be thinking the problem is the time and date, which is not true.

OP's friends have not been very nice to her it seems, although we still need to hear clearly how she first reacted. On the other hand, lying to your friends all the time isn't being a good friend either. A good friend gives honest advice.

@dappledeverglade I guess it's not much consolation, but my sister was part of a tight friendship group from teen years that fell apart in the year they all turned 40. Elements of your story are quite similar to what happened with them.
It's an interesting time of life and I think it's not uncommon for people to outgrow friendships as they enter middle age.
You've also inspired me with some ideas for when I reach my next decade!!

Please write exactly this. As in word for word. It is really clear and fair.

How did you respond @dappledeverglade

In their actions and what they say, they are telling you loud and clear that they are not your friends. In what world should you be grateful for having had your birthday plans removed from you and replaced by something you’re not in a position to do?
The supposedly more neutral one who said “I’ll go with the flow” was not really being nice. It’s not going with the flow if one of the options puts your friend in an awful position.
I’m guessing you’ve been able to maintain your friendship because you’re fairly easy going and you’ve had the means to do what they want. Now you know how vapid and unkind these people are and you can substitute them with real connections with good people.

I wouldn’t. Long messages to people who’ve been gossiping about you give them further gossip material. I’d personally block them all and move on.

The friend who wants to go with the flow may be scared of upsetting someone if she expresses an opinion. Best scrap the idea of celebrating with this group, it can’t feel comfortable now.

I must have missed the bit where OP put "friends" full names and addresses.