Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Well now you know. The are both rude and selfish. You desrve better friends.

This is perfect, send it. Then at the very least archive the group chat and focus on family loveliness

EXACTLY THIS !!

Sounds to me like they are just using your birthday as an excuse to do what they want to do
there no consideration towards you or your birthday at all
youe weekend in Scotland sounds much nicer
what would you advise your kids to do in this situation if they were your age ? Tell them to focus on those that treat them well too ?
and advise them to focus on other friends or build new friendships

nip the craft thing in the bid now before you end up paying for something you feel they have come to begrudgingly

and be honest and own how you feel
good luck op
you deserve more
I really hope you have a lovely birthday

new begins coming for you I feel

Why have you persisted with this association for so long? What you describe isn't friendship, nothing you've said suggests ANY of these women give a toss about you.
Give yourself a shake. You don't 'owe' these women anything, gosh they're making you miserable! Drop them and don't look back.

I wouldn't sent a long message. It will just be used for gossip from the non friends.

I would keep it simple like. "DH & family have arranged something as a treat which they know I will really enjoy. Hope you all enjoy your holiday"

Then cut contact and enjoy your birthday.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea.

Blimey!

There was no need for anyone to be working hard at organising anything as you had already said what you wanted to do!

I wouldn't be messaging them saying that I was hurt that my idea wasn't enough.

They should know or have realised by now!

If they want a weekend away they could have had one couldn't they-with or without Op?

And still gone to her bday!

This exactly

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said

Jesus Christ, these people are not friends! I have read all your posts open mouthed! Who does any of this! The way they have treated you is appalling, and that last message takes the biscuit! What about all your actual plans for the birthday you wanted?! What about your disappointment?! I am so sorry OP, this must be so painful.

That sounds lovely and special to spend precious time with family and old friends.
I imagine it must be a painful time when your group of friends who you thought you knew well have behaved like this. On the plus side you’ve learned a lot about them and the nature of your friendship and can decide how you want to be in each other’s lives going forward.
Well, happy birthday to you! You sound relieved.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea.

it’s just so rude of them when you had already arranged something nice. You didn’t ask them for help arranging anything so why they think you should be so grateful is beyond me.

I would reply with

I had already arranged the thing I really wanted to do for my birthday. I’m really disappointed too that you all wanted to change it. As I said before, finances are tight now so I won’t be coming on your weekend abroad, it’s not my thing anyway. I’m going to cancel the craft morning and lunch as I can see no one wants to come along which is a shame. I hope you have a nice time away.

So absolutely rude, crass and vulgar.
OP, this really is not normal behaviour.
Delighted to read that you are going to Scotland.
Tell them not to head off for their weekend away, you will celebrate your 40th with your family.
I wouldn't suggest anything further.
If asked just say nope, the moment has past now.
No apology about it, nor further discussion.
What awful inbreds they are as a collective.
I would have the complete ick.

Any expensive weekends away to party destinations?

If the rest haven’t done it for theirs, why expect/organise it for yours?

Wow they sound awful, I’d be saying that “actually, you planned a birthday that Joan would love, not me! I’ve made alternative arrangements for my birthday now, so enjoy your weekend away Jane” it Jane pulling the strings and the others sound weak so I would be aiming the message at her even though she hasn’t replied yet (she’s getting her minions to do that)

Just say “You girls go ahead without me, it’s really not my thing and [enter husbands name] has now arranged something else for me and family, bless him. Have a great time” and distance yourself from the group.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday celebrating with the people who love you ❤️

I think the take away from this thread is there needs to be some regional Mumsnet meetups at craft events!

I can’t believe the cheek of then tbh !!

They sound like a bunch of posers. Is your husband a premier league soccer player by any chance ?

Arguably the trip to Scotland for your family be as expensive as paying your share of a trip and the day out. Just be prepared that this might be their retort.

I don’t think it’s all about the money for you though but the disregard & steam rolling.

Your tone in your posts sounds a bit fragile and weather beaten OP and a bit eeee orrr (Winnie the Poo). I do hope you are okay. Turning 40 should be a joy.

I think Scotland is what your heart needs.

I would tell the group that you’ve got a few things going on with family, you’re craving quality time with your kids and you just don’t feel in a mood for Drake & nose candy in your fluro bikini while straddling an inflatable unicorn partying. Say you planned the craft to be within budget and wanted to do it. You understand they’re excited for the weekend and that you’re happy to be celebrated for but not with. Something like that

I do wonder if they’re trying to lift your mood a bit ? It sounds like you know them best and are a bit over it.

Add in some “really sorry” and couldn’t possibly accept the gift of a weekend away, so appreciate it, just a bit too much pressure in terms of time & finances & all that you have going on.

I hope life turns around for you OP.

Have you seen the FB group for dull women ? It’s very funny and infact not that dull. I am 40 and seeing the puffins in Scotland and going on a Harry Potter train sounds wonderful. You’ve left your Ibiza era and they haven’t and that’s okay xoxo

"I don't mean to come across as ungrateful, as I appreciate all the effort that went into the planning. However it's supposed to be my birthday celebrations, and I'm a bit surprised that you thought it is something that I'd be keen on doing, as I dont enjoy clubbing etc. I invited you to celebrate the way I'd have liked to, and it hadnt occurred to me that you wouldn't be receptive to that.

Anyway, no worries, we'll go to the craft day as a family instead."

I think writing something similar to the above is a great response @dappledeverglade brief, clear and honest. I’d emphasise about how clubbing or whatever activity it is isn’t your thing as well.

While yes some on MN don’t really seem to do friendships and are quick to suggest others go nuclear on friends and hype things up, it may be justified in this situation. I mean OP doesn’t necessarily have to go “nuclear” , but I think an honest and direct response is appropriate here.

I’m not sure if “bright and breezy” would be the response at this point given that friend Bs message isn’t “bright and breezy”. It was pretty serious and somewhat accusatory.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

It would actually be quite weird if she just sent a cheery text saying sorry she can’t make it, after they’ve expressed the above. I think if anything this is now the perfect opportunity for OP to say how she feels back in a calm and measured way.

Whether she ends the friendship or not is another thing, but I wouldn’t downplay and minimise how I feel and then end up with slowly growing resentment which is what a lot of women do unfortunately.

PS I knew by their tone that they were going to be the victims in this.

I've been in a similar situation and it's horrible. Sending love.

I@dappledeverglade I’m glad you have sorted out your birthday with your family now, it sounds like that’s what you would prefer, but I can’t help wondering at how fast you changed your mind?

You messaged at 4.15pm yesterday and by 9pm you had decided they were not answering and it was a terrible idea and more or less cancelled them!

I won't begin to suggest what you say in response (I have autism so finding the correct words is hopeless for me).

I will say that when I was younger I managed to find myself in a couple of friend groups who were very status obsessed and very keen to be seen at the right places doing the right things (and this was before internet and smart phones). I'd been having a tough time and my mum suggested I get some friends round for a girls night in, pamper evening, movie, snacks. My Joan said I needed to invite more people and have a bigger event to make it worth her while to come. So like the naive autistic fool I was, I did. Needless to say Joan and her friends didn't come anyway, but some people did. So we ended up having the evening I had expected. I was quite accepting when my Joan, the next time I saw her, explained that she hadn't come because it wasn't cool enough and not enough people were going. I didn't mention how hurt I felt. My Joan ended up (narcissisticly) discarding me shortly after and I never tried to change her mind.

Joan has already shown you who she is. You mentioned she makes snide remarks and has disparaged your ideas before? This is not a healthy dynamic for a friendship. I am firmly of the opinion you can't lose what you never had. If your not wanting to go to Ibiza/Costa del Sol/Amsterdam/Las Vegas for your birthday is so upsetting for these people then it's not clear why they are your friends.

Op add friend B post to group chat and add your response,
Your birthday hun you do what ever makes you happy, by the way I love Scotland and family time, you'll have a lovely time making memories, 😀 happy birthday 🎂

It's full blown DARVO isn't it. Typical MO of a bully and a bully's flying monkeys.