Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Stick up for yourself OP!

Do not let them get away with the 'oh we put so much effort into the idea and you're ungrateful' narrative. That is not fair.

I’d reply to friend B being very clear that ‘something nice for your birthday’ isn’t very nice if it’s something you don’t actually want to do!

I loved your original plans, it sounded perfect to me ❤️ Their loss!

@dappledeverglade did they ever try and do the same for anyone else's birthday?
Change the plans that the birthday girl had organised?
It doesn't sound like it so I'm not sure why they think they can do the same for you and then guilt trip you for not going along with it

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea.

Omg what a load of gaslighting, guilt tripping bull shit. The weekend you never actually asked Joan to organise? And yet somehow it’s all your fault for making Joan feel bad. Fuck that.

One of my most hated phrases. There isn't a "flow". There's proper plans to be made and so they need to say if they are in or out. They seem very rude.

I hope you were really honest with friend B when she came around, and articulated your feelings about the whole thing!

OP I’m sorry they sound awful. I have a big group of mum friends and we never do this to each other. I would be so excited for your craft and meal - and you paying for that all seems so very generous. I’ve not come across this much and our circle are well off , so you were more than generous. I feel sad for you that they’ve made you feel so bad and what you were suggesting was lovely.
Sod them all!

I wouldn’t be going ahead now with them. I’d spend that money on something lovely with your DH (who sounds great btw and I felt sad for him) and your children.

After they’ve shown what they are like, maybe it’s time you quietly move away from them. They won’t sound good people.

I go away with my group of ladies every year. We do it so everyone can join in, the flights and hotel have to be paid if they join, but everything else is optional- all trips and all meals. We have people on different budgets, we don’t want to cut anyone out and equally even those who can afford to do what they want like to have time sitting by the pool and not going out.

Puffins are real? Your friends are being very rude trying to organise a birthday weekend away for you when you had already said what you want to do. If you were uncertain and not sure what you wanted - sure they can help with ideas but it's standard for adults to choose their own birthday celebrations with their friends. Your friends can have the boozy trip away for their own birthdays. I wouldn't be guilted into feeling bad - they haven't been thoughtful or considerate to you at all.

Agreed. Are you in or out? Do you want to come or don't you. Spit it out, a**hole!

Otherwise you spend the day never 100% sure anyone is enjoying it.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

I’d message back explain how hurt you are that you put a lot of time and effort into your original plans and they all shut it down immediately and essentially said it was a dreadful idea. Joan then proceeded to make plans without consulting you or thinking about what you would actually enjoy for your own birthday and that they should all know you well enough by now that a party destination is not your cup of tea and you’d expect close friends to be more understanding of your financial situation.
I’d then explain that husband and parents have decided to treat you to something instead and you won’t be going forward with any other birthdays plans.

I’d go with something more like this

@dappledeverglade

one of the happiest times of my life was a holiday I had with all of my children and grandchildren and it was one of those ones where the kids all mucked in together with bedrooms. To this day I still look at the video I have of them after they’d dragged mattresses into the biggest bedroom, it was very very large, and all 8 of them slept in there with the two dogs. My heart still sings when I think about it.

Oh god my friends would do this. Which is why I’m on the hunt for new friends. They’re a bunch of overbearing extroverts who all shout over each other and get into arguments constantly because each wants to put themselves first. Never mind the bitching behind each others backs. I’m so bored of them 😂 but where does one go to meet more chilled out introverted friends these days?!

op, I’d go with the above but delete the ref to your finances. So just the first and last sentences.

They are so thoughtless. Don’t let them make you feel guilty. Enjoy your weekend with your family.

Try not to ruminate over it. You be you and be confident as you are doing. It is natural for some people to want something big and flashy. You don't, they will get over it. I can be an anxious person but I have to not overthink things and worry about thoughts and feelings on other peoples heads - it is what it is, it shouldn't affect your friendship. Everyone is different and that's fine and by being assertive about it they can't 'guilt trip'/'do what they think is best'. You can't please everyone! Try not to worry and good on you for sticking to your guns - that's what I always do!

That sounds so angry..I can just imagine that message being forwarded on to people to claim how unreasonable the OP is being.

Silence is often far more effective.

Hi OP just thought about this question and what Joan gets out of ruining your birthday.

You mentioned upthread that Joan doesn’t respect you. If this is the case then, I think it’s a power play - she knows she can get away with this type of behaviour and she doesn’t care about you. If you suspect disrespect in any relationship- there’s only: 2 words

GAME OVER !!

Seriously OP I’d drop Joan NOW.

in fact I’d drop the rope with all of them

just thought I’d mention I haven’t actually read the latest posts on this thread

I agree give as little ammunition as possible in any replies despite wanting to scream about their behaviour.

Repeat that you can’t afford it. This is your only line as it makes them look awful when they refuse to acknowledge this.

I would also message Joan direct and thank her for her efforts, but reiterate your finances can’t stretch this year and it’s embarrassing enough to have to admit this without it causing any upset to your friends.

Being the better person and not fueling drama does not make you a doormat. You know now/ will know soon enough who all
of these people really are. Don’t give them the opportunity to spin this around and make you the bad guy.

Yes this is quite strategic. Less scorched earth policy.

I am pleased that you are still going away, but with people who actually care about you. Your friends are aresholes (sorry!).
For my big birthday last year, I was let down by 2 of my friends - we have had an outing for their big birthdays (meal and event), that I organised, but for mine - nothing! They couldn’t be bothered to talk to each other.
Happy 40th (for when it happens).

I'd reply, just to friend B, to say

"Thanks for checking in on me, I'm actually really upset about the whole thing.

To be honest I don't feel like the group have tried to organise something for me at all. Joan is organising a holiday to xxx which isn't my sort of holiday at all, and even if it was is out of my budget this year what with xyz happening. And she's doing it across my birthday weekend so that no one can come to what I was planning. I'm just really disappointed that I've celebrated everyone else's 40ths with them and no one seems to want to celebrate mine with me.

I'm going to call the whole thing off this year I think and go away with DH and the kids to somewhere I really fancy instead. Maybe we could do something together for my 41st."

@dappledeverglade and what did you say to friend B?

You should look up craft groups you'll meet some nice people there.

OP - my honest opinion about all this is that it’s not about them being ‘extroverts’ and wanting to go on a boozy trip rather than crafts. I actually think it’s all a spiteful power play to humiliate you.

it cut them ALL loose.