Page 23 | Mortified over 40th wwyd?

dappledeverglade · 2025-01-18T15:40:47+00:00

NC for this. I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends. My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses. My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry. I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times. I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan. I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Littlemisscapable · 19/01/2025 07:18

Errrghhh I'm so annoyed for you in their response. I echo everyone else, they are not good friends.. unless for every other 40th the group organised the weekend away or something , this behaviour is awful.
Then again nothing surprises me , grown adult woman can behave appallingly, particularly in a pack. I suppose this friendship has run its course and maybe under the surface it was often like this but you and others didn't notice.
I think you might have to put out a text and say something passive aggressive but firm
' hi, not sure how this has escalated so quickly but I had already made plans for.my birthday, a weekend away isn't for me this year (but enjoy if you can make it work) ..... I was just checking who was coming but I can get the vibe that this isn't your thing, don't worry I'll cancel it. We might meet up for a drink or something instead... Catch up soon..'
That was there is no ambiguity, just cancel but keep it light.. if they want to organise something nice and local for you the door is open and if they do so then fine just put it behind you.
It is disappointing but this isn't OK. It may be that it's just Joan and the others haven't given it much thought and will come back to you and i wouldnt hold a grudge just continue the friendship but adjust expectations..but you need to be firm. Enjoy your birthday.

Mylittlepea · 19/01/2025 07:18

SecretSoul · 19/01/2025 07:07

@dappledeverglade - your change of plan sounds lovely!!

FWIW, a craft morning and lunch is my idea of heaven - if you’re near Gloucestershire and ever need a friend to ever do this with, just give me a shout!

But aside from that, can I ask, how do you feel about the weekend in Scotland with family? When it’s your birthday will you feel like you’re properly celebrating it, or will it feel like a consolation plan?

Personally, I’d love a weekend with family for a special birthday. We did the same in Wales for a family member about 10 years ago and it was a really special weekend. We all still talk about it now. And Scotland is lovely. But how do YOU feel about the idea? Do you feel that it’s how you’d want to spend your 40th? Because that’s all that really matters. I think it sounds idyllic.

This plan feels like you’d be spending your money on something far more enjoyable rather than paying for other people to do an activity (that they may or may not want to do).

Only you know whether Friend B and the others are likely to have genuinely had your best interests at heart, even if the got it wrong. How I responded would depend on how pissed off I was and whether I wanted to continue the friendship.

I’d probably be likely to respond with something along the lines of “I appreciate the thought and that everyone was willing to go away for my birthday. However, it’s not something I’d really enjoy if I’m honest plus also I just don’t have the finances for it right now. My family have actually planned a break away now so I’m going to do that instead and just scrap the whole idea of this group event. That leaves you guys free to still go on the weekend yourselves. Thanks again for the thought but I’m happier with this plan.” That’s a fairly tame response that acknowledges their efforts but asserts your boundaries.

The other option is to be more blunt - it depends if you want to preserve the friendship? There might be a couple of people in there that you’d enjoy staying in touch with, even if that’s not Joan or Friend B?

I think your birthday is shaping up to be just lovely OP. Whatever happens with this friendship group, don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself. Decent friends wouldn’t take offence at you wanting to do something you actually enjoy for your birthday!

so sorry OP but your friends sound very self centred - well most of them do.

I think Secretsouls response is perfect. Life is too short to waste it doing things you don’t want to do with people that make you feel shit rather than lift you up.

send your response, mute the chat for a while and try to let it go. Enjoy your special birthday xxx

HoraceCope · 19/01/2025 07:20

how can they not understand? you had already made the plans and invited them, paid for the celebration
joan has gone railroading over your plans and now you are painted as the bad guy?

XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 19/01/2025 07:21

I quite like the idea of doing something crafty and then dinner. My ideal though would be a day at the races, with afternoon tea.

I find weekends away and holidays difficult as I like doing my own thing. I'm also a really early riser.

I don't think they're good friends though, they should go along with your suggestion not railroad you into something else.

Badgerandfox227 · 19/01/2025 07:21

I’m with you OP, I’d much rather a weekend in Scotland with my family that an expensive weekend away that comes with hangovers.

ByGraceAlone · 19/01/2025 07:22

dappledeverglade · 19/01/2025 06:40

I have found a cottage in Scotland for the weekend that has the most amazing view for two nights. My parents are going to come, and my sister might try and drive up. We can squish the kids in together. My parents will chip in too making it affordable for us.

It’s beginning to take shape, and given our current situation, the money is best spent doing something lovely with my family rather than being wasted bank rolling a day out that no one wants. I have lost all interest in celebrating with the group.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

They should go ahead with their planned boozy weekend, I’m sure it will be fun. I do think my birthday is being used as an excuse however.

I’m going to celebrate with my family, and when I get back some village friends I have known for a very long time. not sure how to back out? Is it withdrawing an invite at this point? I guess it is.

Edited

This narrative they are constructing would really piss me off.
That they were being nice and you are spoiling it!

I'd have to be very clear that you planned arrangements for something you hoped was lovely and offered invitations and this plan disparaged. You feel this was rude and hurtful so you will now be just doing something special to celebrate with your family instead.

A clear short message whether verbal or on the the chat thread and then don't be drawn on it ever again.
Then see who your real friends are by how they react.
You'll keep some you'll lose some and it's painful but also a good thing to know .

TheFluffyTwo · 19/01/2025 07:24

dappledeverglade · 19/01/2025 06:40

I have found a cottage in Scotland for the weekend that has the most amazing view for two nights. My parents are going to come, and my sister might try and drive up. We can squish the kids in together. My parents will chip in too making it affordable for us.

It’s beginning to take shape, and given our current situation, the money is best spent doing something lovely with my family rather than being wasted bank rolling a day out that no one wants. I have lost all interest in celebrating with the group.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

They should go ahead with their planned boozy weekend, I’m sure it will be fun. I do think my birthday is being used as an excuse however.

I’m going to celebrate with my family, and when I get back some village friends I have known for a very long time. not sure how to back out? Is it withdrawing an invite at this point? I guess it is.

Edited

"Dear dickheads all

Thank you for the thought which I'm sure was well-meant. However, there was no need to plan anything for me. I invited you to an event to celebrate my birthday. That invitation was essentially declined by at least some of you. That is fine. However I was quite taken aback that you thought you could then just substitute my invitation for your own plans. Particularly when the plan consists of something (clubbing etc.) that you're aware I don't enjoy, and when what you are suggesting is considerably more expensive when you are aware of my current financial situation. To be honest, it doesn't seem like these plans have much to do with any consideration of me or with my birthday.

For whatever reason, this all seems to have become a bit messy, awkward and unpleasant so let's forget the idea of celebrating this year and draw a line under it. I've made alternative plans with my family. I genuinely hope you have a wonderful time if you do decide to go ahead with your weekend away. Looking forward to hearing all about it when you're back!"

Hazeby · 19/01/2025 07:26

‘Friend B, I honestly cannot afford the weekend away. We’re struggling for money at the moment. (To be honest, even if could I wouldn’t want to go to X, not my cup of tea). So can we stick to my original birthday plan? Thanks’

It doesn’t need to be complicated, just keep repeating to anyone that asks that you can’t afford the weekend and want to do what you’d originally said.

Don’t make accusations, or play the wounded soldier, or send passive aggressive messages, just be matter of fact and say you can’t afford it and want to do the original plan. Because they can’t argue with that without looking like absolute dicks.

ByGraceAlone · 19/01/2025 07:36

Hazeby · 19/01/2025 07:26

‘Friend B, I honestly cannot afford the weekend away. We’re struggling for money at the moment. (To be honest, even if could I wouldn’t want to go to X, not my cup of tea). So can we stick to my original birthday plan? Thanks’

It doesn’t need to be complicated, just keep repeating to anyone that asks that you can’t afford the weekend and want to do what you’d originally said.

Don’t make accusations, or play the wounded soldier, or send passive aggressive messages, just be matter of fact and say you can’t afford it and want to do the original plan. Because they can’t argue with that without looking like absolute dicks.

Edited

Thing is OP doesn't want to do craft and lunch with them anymore so she needs to let them know that.

I agree though something short clear honest.
Not too emotional.
Then nothing else to say if asked to discuss it.

Silvertulips · 19/01/2025 07:36

from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away.

Says it all really

You have 2 choices

I would go individually with,

Hi thanks for the message, I’m sorry Joan has spent ages organize my birthday weekend, it really wasn’t necessary - I had no idea she was beavering away behind the scenes for my big celebration, It not really my vibe and not something I’d like to spend my funds on at this time - you know me, much prefer the low key get together than all out party!

Anyway, I’ve decided to spend my time with my family, but happy for you all to have a fab weekend away!! Send photos and have a great time.

Maybe we can meet for coffee as usual?

This way you get you point across without damaging every relationship.

They all know Joan is pushing the agenda - maybe it’ll be a wake up call.

Soozikinzii · 19/01/2025 07:48

You could just Reply :

Sorry the weekend away doesn't work for me . No worries you lot go ahead and enjoy ! Turns out my family have sorted my birthday weekend for me so all good .

While thinking to yourself f off ya selfish biatches - which tgey will actually know is what you're actually thinking.

Hazeby · 19/01/2025 07:54

ByGraceAlone · 19/01/2025 07:36

Thing is OP doesn't want to do craft and lunch with them anymore so she needs to let them know that.

I agree though something short clear honest.
Not too emotional.
Then nothing else to say if asked to discuss it.

Show quote history

Oh ok, I missed that detail. That does look like flouncing though OP, if you say you no longer wants to do the original plan so you need to be wary about how to say that. In these situations, it’s important not to do anything that gives the other side ammunition.

Shame to be talking about friends in such way though.

Pebblesonthebeach40 · 19/01/2025 08:00

dappledeverglade · 19/01/2025 06:40

I have found a cottage in Scotland for the weekend that has the most amazing view for two nights. My parents are going to come, and my sister might try and drive up. We can squish the kids in together. My parents will chip in too making it affordable for us.

It’s beginning to take shape, and given our current situation, the money is best spent doing something lovely with my family rather than being wasted bank rolling a day out that no one wants. I have lost all interest in celebrating with the group.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

They should go ahead with their planned boozy weekend, I’m sure it will be fun. I do think my birthday is being used as an excuse however.

I’m going to celebrate with my family, and when I get back some village friends I have known for a very long time. not sure how to back out? Is it withdrawing an invite at this point? I guess it is.

Edited

Good for you. Your family weekend sounds great, much better than being used as an escape from their own families on a alcohol fueled hen type weekend.

ForSparklyLemonLurker · 19/01/2025 08:03

Both your ideas for your 40th appeal to me OP. If you're in Hertfordshire area I'd love to go to the craft event. I also love the sound of your trip to Scotland. I'm 39 and never done anything eventful for any of my 'major' birthdays.

MangoLlama · 19/01/2025 08:04

dappledeverglade · 19/01/2025 06:40

I have found a cottage in Scotland for the weekend that has the most amazing view for two nights. My parents are going to come, and my sister might try and drive up. We can squish the kids in together. My parents will chip in too making it affordable for us.

It’s beginning to take shape, and given our current situation, the money is best spent doing something lovely with my family rather than being wasted bank rolling a day out that no one wants. I have lost all interest in celebrating with the group.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

They should go ahead with their planned boozy weekend, I’m sure it will be fun. I do think my birthday is being used as an excuse however.

I’m going to celebrate with my family, and when I get back some village friends I have known for a very long time. not sure how to back out? Is it withdrawing an invite at this point? I guess it is.

Edited

The cottage seems lovely. I’ve never been to Scotland but also really want to go. I’m sure the views will be truly fantastic!

Please don’t let your “friends” convince you that you should feel bad for not going along with their plan. The audacity to act disappointed that you didn’t like the plans they worked oh so hard for… what about the plans YOU made and worked hard for? They clearly had no problem dismissing them without a second thought.

EasternStandard · 19/01/2025 08:04

dappledeverglade · 19/01/2025 06:51

Yes that is right. What I have offered isn’t ’good enough’ for a 40th essentially.

Each will pay for their own travel and hotel costs, including me, and I would be expected to pay for a dinner and activities on one of the days assigned to celebrate my birthday.

It will be far too expensive. Even if I wanted to go. It could be done more cheaply, but they tend to choose expensive hotels and premium flight times.The destination chosen is a hen do vibe.

I’m upset they didn’t even consult me as to where we might go, even if I could stretch to make it happen, it doesn’t feel like it has anything to do with my birthday. Friend b was dispatched last night to talk me round.

Edited

Show quote history

Friend b was dispatched last night to talk me round.

How was that op? Did you talk about your feelings etc

Purplequestionmark · 19/01/2025 08:10

Something similar happened for my 40th with a group of friends I've known for 10 years, i invited them to my party on the group chat (The same way all invites are done) out of a large group one replied to say she was unavailable that day (fine) another that she could make it and the rest just read and ignored it. I know they spoke to someone and said they just didnt want to go, fine but say so! It's really hurtful and it's friendship over from there for me.

ChiliFiend · 19/01/2025 08:15

Unrelated38 · 19/01/2025 07:06

I'd reply "honestly guys I feel quite hurt and, for some reason, embarrassed, that you've all been talking in another group chat I'm excluded from about not liking my idea. I don't understand why you wouldn't have that conversation with me about my plans, for my birthday. You've all decided between yourselves. You know I don't like that kind of thing, so you havent tried to plan something nice for me. You know what I like and I told you what I wanted to do. Your party weekend isn't for me. Go and have fun, it sounds great, but it's not my thing and I don't have the money for a girls trip. I'll cancel the celebration I'd planned, I don't want to make you all do something you won't enjoy, that's not fun for anyone. Think I'll either do something fun with the kids or something simple and local with some friends. Hope you guys have a great time, send pics!"

You're 100% not the bad guy. And make that super clear.

Perfect script

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 19/01/2025 08:15

the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea

Cheeky bastards. I wouldn't let them off the hook and reply with how I actually felt...

No, I had arranged something nice for me but ladies didn't like it, much to MY disappointment, so you arranged something nice for you. If you knew me, you would know that Ibiza/Magaluf/hell in the sun is not something I would enjoy. Joan has worked hard to make it nice for her. Anyway, enjoy your trip. I will be celebrating my birthday with a lovely quiet weekend in a country cottage with my family which is much more my scene.

Summerdew · 19/01/2025 08:16

Unrelated38 · 19/01/2025 07:06

I'd reply "honestly guys I feel quite hurt and, for some reason, embarrassed, that you've all been talking in another group chat I'm excluded from about not liking my idea. I don't understand why you wouldn't have that conversation with me about my plans, for my birthday. You've all decided between yourselves. You know I don't like that kind of thing, so you havent tried to plan something nice for me. You know what I like and I told you what I wanted to do. Your party weekend isn't for me. Go and have fun, it sounds great, but it's not my thing and I don't have the money for a girls trip. I'll cancel the celebration I'd planned, I don't want to make you all do something you won't enjoy, that's not fun for anyone. Think I'll either do something fun with the kids or something simple and local with some friends. Hope you guys have a great time, send pics!"

You're 100% not the bad guy. And make that super clear.

Send this. It’s hitting the perfect tone and says everything needed to be said.

harriethoyle · 19/01/2025 08:18

Unrelated38 · 19/01/2025 07:06

I'd reply "honestly guys I feel quite hurt and, for some reason, embarrassed, that you've all been talking in another group chat I'm excluded from about not liking my idea. I don't understand why you wouldn't have that conversation with me about my plans, for my birthday. You've all decided between yourselves. You know I don't like that kind of thing, so you havent tried to plan something nice for me. You know what I like and I told you what I wanted to do. Your party weekend isn't for me. Go and have fun, it sounds great, but it's not my thing and I don't have the money for a girls trip. I'll cancel the celebration I'd planned, I don't want to make you all do something you won't enjoy, that's not fun for anyone. Think I'll either do something fun with the kids or something simple and local with some friends. Hope you guys have a great time, send pics!"

You're 100% not the bad guy. And make that super clear.

I think this reply is perfect

Pastalina · 19/01/2025 08:24

Soozikinzii · 19/01/2025 07:48

You could just Reply :

Sorry the weekend away doesn't work for me . No worries you lot go ahead and enjoy ! Turns out my family have sorted my birthday weekend for me so all good .

While thinking to yourself f off ya selfish biatches - which tgey will actually know is what you're actually thinking.

This is what I would send and take a step back from the friendship. I would think of them as fair weather friends, but not necessarily stop being friends completely.

ByGraceAlone · 19/01/2025 08:27

harriethoyle · 19/01/2025 08:18

I think this reply is perfect

Show quote history

It's too accusatory and complicated. With all the talk of other chats and talking behind my back etc. it provides loads of ammo for further analysis about who said what etc.
Not worth it it's undignified.

Short clear honest.

Hi All, I'm going to cancel the plans for the craft and lunch as it wasn't well received so I'll do something with family instead. I'm just not in a position to afford the weekend away at the moment and had hoped the lunch and craft would be a nice idea. Catch up with you all soon.

Hazeby · 19/01/2025 08:28

harriethoyle · 19/01/2025 08:18

I think this reply is perfect

Show quote history

She doesn’t know for sure they have a separate chat though so I might miss that bit out

Hoppingabout · 19/01/2025 08:29

Unrelated38 · 19/01/2025 07:06

I'd reply "honestly guys I feel quite hurt and, for some reason, embarrassed, that you've all been talking in another group chat I'm excluded from about not liking my idea. I don't understand why you wouldn't have that conversation with me about my plans, for my birthday. You've all decided between yourselves. You know I don't like that kind of thing, so you havent tried to plan something nice for me. You know what I like and I told you what I wanted to do. Your party weekend isn't for me. Go and have fun, it sounds great, but it's not my thing and I don't have the money for a girls trip. I'll cancel the celebration I'd planned, I don't want to make you all do something you won't enjoy, that's not fun for anyone. Think I'll either do something fun with the kids or something simple and local with some friends. Hope you guys have a great time, send pics!"

You're 100% not the bad guy. And make that super clear.

Don't send this. You aren't teenagers. Just say thanks but not your thing and leave it. Dont make a big deal, just walk away. They arent engaging with you much anyway so they don"t really care. You'll just look needy.

People can do what they want but they need to bear the consequences of their behaviour, which may be losing you as a friend. Will be interesting for you to see if they try and rectify things properly with you or not.