Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

💯

@dappledeverglade your post reminds me why I don't seek a girls' group anymore. There's always an alpha that everyone follows or defers to.
Since having kids I've realized what really is important and it's not whooping it up with my friends. Last year I asked my 2 year old what we should do to "celebrate mummy's birthday." The answer was to get special cake, so we did that at our favourite cake shop. Then I asked what else we should do and 2 year old said, Let's go through the car wash, mummy! 😂 So... we did that.
It was the best birthday ever. 🤗

Now, I'm not saying my way is the best, but I do think the parties your friends are doing are likely more performative that anything else and you are better off scrapping plans to celebrate your very special day with them in favour of a fantastic day with your family that truly loves you and maybe make a vow to yourself to stop caring about impressing your friends.

Aww Dapple, your posts are stressing me out - honestly, I don't think these are the friends you thought you had. I'm sorry you had to go through this to realise 😢
The radio silence then 2 shitty replies has pissed me off massively on your behalf.
I truly believe you will enjoy your birthday more with your husband. Least you will know for sure he wants to be with you and not be second guessing if he's enjoying time in your company

I'm in Scotland as well and think coming up here for a nice chilled weekend with beautiful scenery celebrating YOU would be the perfect way to spend your 40th. Spend the money on experiencing things you will love to do and make memories
This group is overrated. You'll probably never feel the same about them after this

I'm sorry you've been treated this way by a bunch of utter arseholes. You deserve better xx

It's YOUR birthday! You chose something you'd like to do. They sound a bit thoughtless. Just be honest with them.

It feels like they want a weekend away from partners and kids and your birthday is the perfect excuse. Unfortunately it’s not about you. I’d maybe write back as follows:

”Hi All, this is a bit of an uncomfortable conversation as I feel like you all really want to go away, but I wasn’t part of that decision and as I’ve said, it’s not really my thing. I feel though that my craft class and lunch won’t be much enjoyed as you will be disappointed. I’ve given it a lot of thought and decided to cancel the plans and spend the day with my family. I’d love to take you all out for post-birthday drinks if you’re up for it”.

Ok, but why should OP take her selfish "friends" out to celebrate her birthday after they've gone off for a girls' weekend? Otherwise, I get where you're coming from.

This

Agreed - she could quietly forget to set up the post-birthday drinks depending on the response to this message, but it keeps the door open for the “friendship” and the people in the group who do really care about her and they can’t then later say “she had a huge sulk and flounced off”.

Nothing wrong with low key. Tell them low key is what you prefer. It's your birthday.

They can do hen night weekend away another time without you.

I hope you are ok. It’s never great realising that your friends are not really that great a bunch. However, I’d have replied with ‘no worries’ or ‘happy to go with the flow’ as well and not meant anything awful by it.

It’s my big birthday this year and I’ve told my friends I’ll be having a local dinner with them and then something with family.

I had a huge event for last big birthday & weekends away but retired now and the £££ isn’t there. But they know this and are fine with it. Maybe your friends just got carried away and are now embarrassed.

I'm another in Scotland. At this rate OP you're going to be having a fabulous birthday crafting session with a pile of Scottish Mumsnetters (not sure what the collective noun for that would be). I'll bring the snacks.

Oh and I took the boat trip from North Berwick to see the puffins on the Isle of May last summer and it was fabulous! Little pufflings everywhere.

I have found a cottage in Scotland for the weekend that has the most amazing view for two nights. My parents are going to come, and my sister might try and drive up. We can squish the kids in together. My parents will chip in too making it affordable for us.

It’s beginning to take shape, and given our current situation, the money is best spent doing something lovely with my family rather than being wasted bank rolling a day out that no one wants. I have lost all interest in celebrating with the group.

I had a message this morning, sent late last night from friend B to say the group had tried to arrange something nice for me, and Joan especially had worked hard to make it special, and they were all ‘disappointed’ that I didn’t seem to like the idea. Subtlety suggesting I should be more receptive, and open to the weekend away. Just as some pp had said.

They should go ahead with their planned boozy weekend, I’m sure it will be fun. I do think my birthday is being used as an excuse however.

I’m going to celebrate with my family, and when I get back some village friends I have known for a very long time. not sure how to back out? Is it withdrawing an invite at this point? I guess it is.

From reading through the posts, I believe that the birthday girl pays for the celebration. So they aren’t wanting to spend their money on her. They are wanting her to spend more than she originally offered on them. And on something she would not want to do.

Your cottage holiday sounds amazing!!

Ignore those pushy women. If you feel inclined, just send a message saying "Turns out I won't be hosting the craft/lunch party; we've family plans that weekend with my parents and sister."

I'd just leave the group. Joan and the rest of her spineless acolytes can knock themselves out. What a bunch of weasels.

Yes that is right. What I have offered isn’t ’good enough’ for a 40th essentially.

Each will pay for their own travel and hotel costs, including me, and I would be expected to pay for a dinner and activities on one of the days assigned to celebrate my birthday.

It will be far too expensive. Even if I wanted to go. It could be done more cheaply, but they tend to choose expensive hotels and premium flight times.The destination chosen is a hen do vibe.

I’m upset they didn’t even consult me as to where we might go, even if I could stretch to make it happen, it doesn’t feel like it has anything to do with my birthday. Friend b was dispatched last night to talk me round.

Oh what a guilt trippy message!! You didn't ask them for opinions or to plan anything. Yes, I'd use one of the well thought out replies from previous posters that reminds them that you do not like clubbing, but it doesn't sound like they will reflect on their behaviour at all. They just want an excuse to go off for a boozey break.

Wish they would spot this thread so they could see how selfish they have been.

Enjoy Scotland, it sounds amazing and far, far more memorable.

One of the reasons I don’t have a friend group was partly over my birthday. It certainly was the beginning of the end

We would meet for lunch every month. And who ever had their birthday that month. The rest of the group would pay for their meal (nothing fancy and the strongest drink anyone had was a cola)

Then it came to my birthday and for 2 years for some reason we didn’t meet up that month

As it was someone else’s birthday the next month all attention was on that person.

After that 2nd missed birthday I didn’t go out with them again then Covid hit and something else didn’t happen and I decided to see how long it would be before someone reached out to me

8 months

Made me realise where I came in the group

Pretty sure they had met up on the months my birthday was and pretty sure they had been meeting up without me In those 8 months
Just to add that I wasn’t passive in the group and would organise a fair share of meet ups and help anyone if they were struggling with anything. It just all felt so deliberate.

I would just reply to the group chat that you won’t bother with your birthday this year and there was such a lacklustre response and they are all planning a weekend away anyway. Hope they have fun. Then ignore them all till after your birthday

It doesn't sound as though there was anything heartfelt about their arrangements. No consideration of you as a person.

What happened when you spoke to friend B?

they do not sound like very considerate friends. But if you can please don’t withdraw from the group without making it clear how you really feel. Maybe they just don’t know!

I am so pleased to see your update, and hope that you have a wonderful weekend with your family.

I'd reply "honestly guys I feel quite hurt and, for some reason, embarrassed, that you've all been talking in another group chat I'm excluded from about not liking my idea. I don't understand why you wouldn't have that conversation with me about my plans, for my birthday. You've all decided between yourselves. You know I don't like that kind of thing, so you havent tried to plan something nice for me. You know what I like and I told you what I wanted to do. Your party weekend isn't for me. Go and have fun, it sounds great, but it's not my thing and I don't have the money for a girls trip. I'll cancel the celebration I'd planned, I don't want to make you all do something you won't enjoy, that's not fun for anyone. Think I'll either do something fun with the kids or something simple and local with some friends. Hope you guys have a great time, send pics!"

You're 100% not the bad guy. And make that super clear.

@dappledeverglade - your change of plan sounds lovely!!

FWIW, a craft morning and lunch is my idea of heaven - if you’re near Gloucestershire and ever need a friend to ever do this with, just give me a shout!

But aside from that, can I ask, how do you feel about the weekend in Scotland with family? When it’s your birthday will you feel like you’re properly celebrating it, or will it feel like a consolation plan?

Personally, I’d love a weekend with family for a special birthday. We did the same in Wales for a family member about 10 years ago and it was a really special weekend. We all still talk about it now. And Scotland is lovely. But how do YOU feel about the idea? Do you feel that it’s how you’d want to spend your 40th? Because that’s all that really matters. I think it sounds idyllic.

This plan feels like you’d be spending your money on something far more enjoyable rather than paying for other people to do an activity (that they may or may not want to do).

Only you know whether Friend B and the others are likely to have genuinely had your best interests at heart, even if the got it wrong. How I responded would depend on how pissed off I was and whether I wanted to continue the friendship.

I’d probably be likely to respond with something along the lines of “I appreciate the thought and that everyone was willing to go away for my birthday. However, it’s not something I’d really enjoy if I’m honest plus also I just don’t have the finances for it right now. My family have actually planned a break away now so I’m going to do that instead and just scrap the whole idea of this group event. That leaves you guys free to still go on the weekend yourselves. Thanks again for the thought but I’m happier with this plan.” That’s a fairly tame response that acknowledges their efforts but asserts your boundaries.

The other option is to be more blunt - it depends if you want to preserve the friendship? There might be a couple of people in there that you’d enjoy staying in touch with, even if that’s not Joan or Friend B?

I think your birthday is shaping up to be just lovely OP. Whatever happens with this friendship group, don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself. Decent friends wouldn’t take offence at you wanting to do something you actually enjoy for your birthday!

How dare they try and guilt trip you! It’s clear from the message from friend B that they are thinking of themselves and not you. I hope you have a lovely time away celebrating with your family.

They sound awful and now they are trailing to guilt trip you! Just text and say ‘I’ve changed my mind and decided not o do anything next year’. Let it sink in.

then go and have a lovely time with your family and forget about these harpies.