Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

‘Happy to go with the flow’ is the sort of thing I’d say when I’m just really happy to do what ever my friends would like to do. I often say it but occasionally go against the grain if I’ve a preference.

Joan seems to have a lot of sway with the group and it’s interesting that she’s hijacked your birthday, also previously put you down lots. Is she normally a very self centred person by nature? Within the group is she used to getting her own way? So strange pushing an Ibiza party weekend abroad when as birthday girl that’s not something you’d ever be interested in.

Very bizarre they have all pushed ahead without properly checking in with you around your preferences and have now gone quiet. In your shoes I’d also go quiet and give them time to put their responses on the WhatsApp group. Mull things over quietly. I suspect there might be some genuine friends within the group, women who are not quite strong enough however to stand up to Joan, they maybe feeling awkward.

Personally I would have knocked a Joan’s idea on the head immediately and without much thought or emotion. I would have said it’s not my cup of tea and far too expensive. However it’s snowballed a bit now and you’re trying to second guess peoples intent and possibly getting things wrong.

If you’re anywhere in the NW I know myself and a few people would love your idea of a birthday craft session!!! I love different and unusual things to do instead of the normal “abroad/party/club” type dos. It truely is their loss. I’d have a lovely plate or basket or whatever craft it is, that I could always have to remind of that time rather than a raging hangover and empty bank balance!!! Massive hugs.

I’m so angry for you. ‘I would have thought friends don’t organise birthday weekends at places the birthday girl doesn’t enjoy and can’t afford at the moment. Did none of you realise I wouldn’t like going to <amsterdam> at all?’

im really tempted to say my birthday is not for anyone who is just wanting to go with the fucking flow, but maybe she’s defending you on their other chat so I wouldn’t burn that bridge yet… probably

@dappledeverglade

I have this a bit, but it’s to do with DC’s birthdays. One friend always seems disapproving of whatever I plan or makes an excuse. I now don’t bother trying to accommodate or please her.
It’s ‘I’m doing x on this date. Please messsge/join WhatsApp link if you’d like to come’. And then stuff her.
In fact, she’s been more receptive now she knows I’m not bothered…

Do you actually like these people? You don't have a good word to say about them (and I don't blame you, they sound awful) but it's really not normal for friends to be like this with each other. Any of my friends would have shared that their hours had been cut, so even if they didn't come right out and say "I'm broke (which we all would) the rest of us would be tactful about budgets.

WobblyBottom72

That is a truly sad post to read, never mind living it. I really hope you have much better people in your life now. Sending a huge hug to you.

dappledeverglade

Just echoing what pp have said, this is your birthday, do the things you want to do with your family.
I really hope you enjoy your day, and you have fun.
When your ready I would ditch the bitches.

For what it's worth your idea sounds fab, just the sort of thing I would love to do.

Good job neither of you are invited then, isn't it

There really are so few people with manners left now.

I hope you had a lovely glass of wine relaxed and put “Joan” and her nonsense out of mind. But totally go and see puffins, we sailed from Mull to the isles around Staffa and watched them and it was magical. You deserve magical.

Awww op these women do not sound like your real friends. A friend knows your likes dislikes and would sit with a picnic in the park if that's all you could afford , where abouts are you in the country I'm sure some mumsnetters would get together for a random day :) your idea sounds lovely and I'd pay for myself ,your handmade gifts sound beautiful by the way xxx

I was thinking exactly the same - sounds like a great way to spend your 40th!! I’ll come and meet you for crafts and lunch and wine and will pay for myself!!! Would be awesome.

I live in London, think we should seriously consider this!

Are these the only people invited to party or do you have other friend group or family invited too
I'd reply say I don't have time to go away for a weekend. Then .... Maybe a poll let me know if you can/want to go to craft party & lunch so I can reserve place.
Leave it at that if they want to go count them in otherwise leave them out
No need to mention money. Even people who can afford things wouldn't have the time for weekend away friends for 40th as often other family visits/events on similar time.

It’s your 40th, not theirs, regardless of the fact you can’t afford the weekend away they don’t have the right to steamroll you into this. Tell them asap it’s not happening, it’s not their birthday it’s yours!

I’m interested in why you were embarrassed by your plan. You’ve consistently described it in ways that mean you also see it as imperfect even though it was what you wanted. It’s sort of like you know what you think and want, but you’ve also let Joan etc attitude seep into your mind, even before they (absolutely crazily imo) randomly replanned YOUR birthday. I wonder if after all this is over, there’s some sort of bigger invitation for you to think about assertiveness more generally.

I am on a fairly strict diet so a meal wouldn't be great for me. I'd love a craft class. But it's not your birthday and it's not mine. If a friend invited me to share an activity she enjoys for her special day I would be be happy to go and celebrate her. Unless you are genuinely a miserable person you can smile and be glad your friend is enjoying her day. As I tell my kids, be patient and it will be your turn before you know it.

They're a bunch of cnuts.

I'd ditch them to be honest. They're going along with mean girl. How ridiculous.

Have an amazing time with your family. And find some real friends 🧡

Yes they've been allowed to steamroller over your idea @dappledeverglade .

Joan sounds quite awful and the others sound a bit weak. It’s absolutely bizarre if there is any “discussion” carrying on in another chat regarding what your birthday plans should be when you’ve clearly stated them. It’s not as if you asked them to help you decide, this isn’t a group decision situation. Either they attend or they don’t but they shouldn’t be trying to force a weekend away instead.

A lot of my uni friends are investment bankers, corporate lawyers, and owners of successful businesses etc and live with their partners so have a joint income , whereas I live alone and tend to work in jobs which aren’t quite as highly paid as theirs. So they’ve often had much fancier celebrations than I have. However no one has turned their nose up at my events or challenged my proposed plans.

Your husband sounds lovely and supportive and it’s a shame that this has, understandably so, upset both of you. I’d be the same. It will be interesting to see what the others eventually reply with. I suspect you may just have to cancel this and/or as pps have suggested be very direct and let them know how hurtful it’s been. I’d also consider phasing them out depending on how they respond

Please call the two ladies who did reply. Find out what’s really going on.

This is such a tricky one. Pls don't remove yourself from the chat. Joan would have a field day with that - you know, how they'd spent ages arranging a fun weekend for you and you didn't want to do it then left the chat.

The pottery and meal idea sounds sensational. I would really enjoy it. You are not wrong in planning that.
You are also not wrong in sticking with your plan and admitting that you would enjoy it.

I think the real problem is Joan. Does everyone usually defer to her? She's acting like the school leader of the pack/bully.

I hope some of your friends expess enthusiasm for the pottery. Can you ask a couple of nicer friends as well, from a different friendship group?
Don't let your school yard friends take up too much space in your head. Happy turing clay on your Birthday!

I am going to go against the grain, I think it’s very kind that they want to celebrate you and spend their money and time on a trip with you. I think you may be taking this for granted - I don’t know anyone like that who cared when I turned 40.

I would explain your dilemma and say that the art day is exciting for you.

I wouldn’t be mortified, they just want it to be more celebratory in a traditional sense.

I would say I'm not up for it. As if you say you can't afford it, they may decide to chip in and pay your portion.
If they are good friends they should understand.

I think you need to be more assertive.
It sounds like you suggested your idea rather than just inviting them?
Either way just stick with your guns now. If they try to suggest anything else I'd say something like "that's nice but you've been invited to crafts + lunch, are you coming?".
I can't imagine trying to change a friend's birthday plans, it's so rude and honestly just strange.

@dappledeverglade, please give ‘Mean Girl’ Joan and her groupies a wide berth. Personally, I would wash my hands of them permanently.

You are clearly a lovely person whose values I admire. The craft class and nice lunch/wine bar would be a really fun and personal way to celebrate your birthday. Anyone who truly cared for you would be thrilled to be by your side at your chosen celebration, and wouldn’t dream of devaluing, sabotaging, or changing your plans!

Joan’s need to control your narrative is totally outrageous and indicative of her narcissism. She enjoys bigging herself up by humiliating others. Her weak sheep/sycophants who are responding so vaguely (or not at all) to you to gain her approval are no better. Their being so in thrall to her is pathetic. They are all appallingly rude and unworthy of you.

Cancel and go to Scotland, @dappledeverglade. That sounds fabulous!

They’re using your 40th to justify a ‘big’ trip/wknd away because they fancy it. Your birthday is irrelevant other than an excuse to justify it to themselves/ partners.