Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Joan sounds narcissistic. I wouldn't go nuclear and ditch the whole lot of them at this point (Joan is another story.) it sounds like she's the ringleader and the others are being neutral so as not to offend her. You may have to call a couple of them privately to see what they say when she's not there to read their words.

Perhaps Joan wanted to do something more up her alley and pressured the others, and they're eager to stay in their rich and forceful friends' good graces. Perhaps Joan, being a snobby (possible narcissist) has another motive and perhaps thinks you're too poor (or something else) for her and is trying to isolate you out. It's possible she's a fairweather friend but the others may not be.

Just communicate.

"The thing is, I chose the crafting activity for my birthday because, well, it's MY special day and this is something I would enjoy, and wanted you guys as my friends to join me in. I know this really wasn't anyone's intention, but I feel, perhaps foolishly, a bit put down by the suggestion of doing something 'better', like my idea wasn't good enough or lavish enough. I know you guys want to make me happy on my birthday but really, the best way you could do that is by joining me on my chosen celebrations. We have all been friends for years and you guys are very important to me. It's true that I can't really afford to go away to "party town" this year, but more importantly, that isn't what I wanted to do.
I don't want to stop any of you guys heading off for a party weekend, go and have a wonderful time. But if it's ok, for my birthday I would like to stick with my original plan. Just let me know if you are still able to come.
Love - really! - dapple"

Assuming they are typically good friends I would give them the benefit of the doubt. They hopefully had good intentions with intending your fortieth be special even if they were tone deaf.

You were right to say no, they can still plan a weekend away if they want. And I would go ahead with your plan. They weren't saying they didn't want to do it they just felt you deserved something bigger. And you should choose what you want to do for you fortieth.

I don’t think thexOP should feel, or say she feels) embarrassed. She has nothing to feel embarrassed sbout, shr has done nothing wrong. I drfinitely think publicly cancelling it is a good idea though.

Just be careful not to assume or read into things.

You have no clue what Joan or anyone else is saying. They might just be busy!

You are understandably sensitive about this but I would just leave it for now.

Again, these are your friends. I would give them a chance to fix this.

You don't have to decide anything in the next few days.

You sound transactional and making sure every dollar equalizes with your friendships. We have friends with different budgets, if someone is struggling we'll probably pay for their supper and don't give it a second though. Also, if someone chooses to do expensive things, they should own it and not assume everyone else has to match their budget. For ex, I have a ND friend and presents are a big deal to them. I don't to spend that much on friend gifts and am not going to match it.

We have a sub group for each person's birthday called e.g. dappledeverglade's birthday where we secretly sort out presents and cards each year. My guess is that is where the chat is happening.

Princess above had great advice I think. You have a long friendship, don't do anything rash.

What utter and complete bollocks. Absolute bullshit.

No one is obliged to stretch themselves financially to entertain others. There is absolutely ZERO wrong with providing reciprocal hospitality on a modest budget. "Friends" who expect otherwise aren't worth having.

As the saying goes, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Critiquing hospitality based on the amount of money spent is just so vulgar, crass, low-class and petty.

The silence is the worst part.
I'm always happy to spend time with my friends no matter what we are doing, because I love my friends and enjoy spending time with them.
I'd not message them again, I'd plan something with just your family and I'd start distancing from these 'friends'.

I wouldn't bother with saying this to the clods, but if anyone asks for clarification, it's a good template.

Good grief, Joan sounds like a very self-absorbed and insensitive person. Who makes someone else's 40th birthday all about themselves.
The rest of them sound like a bunch of sheep.

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely birthday doing whatever you want to do, be that crafts, visiting Scotland or something else.

My friends and I have been friends for 63 (that hurts lol) years.
Do you think maybe their intentions were good but their actions were clumsy?
The wealthy people I know have lost their filter and the ability to be kind. I’m not wealthy, but I have wealthy friends & relatives like your rude friend. They have no idea how awful they sound. I’m sorry your friend is like that.
It isn’t easy to speak up, so could you compose a note to them, something along the lines of
”Hi everybody - this birthday is a big one, but I’m not feeling the “big away.” So I’ve decided to do “THIS” instead. I hope you’ll all celebrate with me.”
And then tell them what you ARE doing and not giving them an alternative.
When they argue, don’t apologise, simply say that this is how you’re celebrating.
And don’t argue with them.
Happy big 40th birthday, @dappledeverglade ❤️

Leave the chat, come to Scotland with your family. Join a craft group/ meetup or something similar you enjoy and make some new likeminded friends. If you fancy going to Edinburgh you might enjoy something like this.
islanderuk.com/pages/islander-workshop-experience

I couldn't agree more with this. If you are anywhere near the middle of the country I'd love to join in and treat you to lunch OP. You sound magnificent. 💕

This is year 8 or 9 stuff. There is nothing wrong with a meal for your 40th - that is what I did.
the issue here is that they seem to be using your birthday as a reason to have a weekend away that they would like. They just need to find another reason and do it another time.
Second issue is that you worry they think your plans are a bit shit. If they are your friends they will celebrate your birthday how you want and if not they are not your friends.
you have had lots of good suggestions for wording of messages. I do agree that a craft activity isn’t for everyone and I would just stick with a meal.

I really hope whatever you decide you dtop Joan at a very minimum.
But none of them are real friends and you are right to not want to waste another decade with them.

Fair weather friends are ten a penny.
You sound like a lovely woman.
Far better to save your energies for some of the many decent women out there.

Be upfront? I wouldnt bother making them feel guilty. Not worth it. Say that this was your plan and as it doesn't seem to be popular you won't do that. But you would love to see them soon and maybe go out for a drink to celebrate. Not too much expense required by you which is good and it makes the point that you aren't that fussed by it or by them. And then do something really fun with your family.

Gosh, OP, reading this and heartbroken for you. As others have said it's so so rude of them and doesn't sound like they respect you at all. As money is quite tight anyway I'm sure you can find a better use for it than paying for them to do something, so frankly I'd scrap the whole thing tbh and just spend it on yourself - maybe a bit extra to spend on your trip to your mother's home country. Or go out in a low key way with anyone who bothers to contact you separately.

Oh fuck the friends. Honestly some people will make any situation about them. Blow up a friend's birthday and make it so OTT because that's what they want. I bet if you went Joan would be total centre of attention.

I would just cancel. You told them what you were doing they should have come along even if it wasn't their favourite thing to do. For you. Their friend. Not try to force you into a weekend away you don't want.

Go to Scotland and have a lovely time with DH and the kids. Sounds perfect to me.

Really difficult to gauge this one. On the face of it, seems like they thought you were playing it down and they imagined you’d really want something more full on and exciting for your birthday and were being kind by suggesting it?
However your description of Joan doesn’t paint her in a positive light and suggests she’s doing it to be mean, or the Queen bee.
if that’s the case, why are you friends with her?
In any case I think you need to scrap the idea. It’s a shame, but even if it was a case of crossed wires, it’s going to be awkward now/

I could afford that but I would absolutely hate it. It's only a birthday. Go out for a pizza and a bottle of wine and have fun. The rest sounds completely over the top.

I would pay for myself to come to a friends craft and lunch 40th celebration and even share their cost. It sounds lovely. I wouldn't want a weekend away with friends. I just had a morning in a spa and lunch with my friends and a family holiday and it was wonderful. It sounds like everyone else is scared of disagreeing with "Joan" and she is being selfish and horrible.

They’re just interested in a weekend away. Don’t care about your birthday at all or what you want - it’s for them!

I wouldn’t spend that kind of money hosting when i could do a lovely weekend in Scotland with family - sounds lovely. I just went last year and we had an amazing time in Elgin and on the Moray coast.

Could you try messaging the person you're closest to and asking if she knows why a birthday trip so totally unsuited to you is being arranged? I'm a big overthinker and I wonder if you're maybe overthinking some of the responses in the chat - perhaps Joan is just overzealous and everyone else is a pushover and/or enthusiastic about a fun trip abroad. Before you write them all off forever, could you try and get the real story from someone?