Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I would like to message something along the lines - if you all want to go on this trip, feel free to do so but I am not coming.
What a cheek!

Its not up to them to arrange someone else's life! Its rude and thoughtless

Surely it’s for the birthday girl to decide her budget, her chosen activity etc.
Her friends choose what they wanted to do and set their own budgets.

I am astounded that you would actually say to a friend that had invited you to their birthday celebration 'are you sure you want to do that?' It comes across as very rude. It is fine to say you wouldn't be able to make the craft part but will join for lunch, but to actually question someone's choice in that manner? That would be very disrespectful to the person inviting you.

These don't sound like good friends, but your DH sounds like a wonderful man! Enjoy your birthday with him doing something you want to do. Perhaps just do a meal with any friends that do make the effort to respond. I'd avoid the queen bee going forward though. Sending big hugs xx

even if they knew its not up to them to ride roughshod over someone's invitation to celebrate their birthday in the way they want to.

Oh @dappledeverglade I’m really sorry - that utterly horrific moment where you realise your version of friendship isn’t in sync with what those around you are doing is pretty brutal. You will find better people ❤️. Re birthdays I always do whatever the birthday person fancies (within reason, morality & budget!!) - i prefer to do nothing for my own but have been pleasantly surprised on a few occasions by (real) friends catching me for a coffee etc. I have also had dreadful moments as an adult which I never would have anticipated - I was dumped by someone I felt had become one of my greatest friends when she became significantly wealthier….and I would never ever have pinned her as ‘that’ person….. life is full of surprises. I know it’s hard but move on, you deserve better x

Yes not clear ar all.

I would say she meant happy with either idea. I know Joan and I think she is protesting on another chat, maybe complaining that I am not complying with their birthday plans for me. She will have turned this around to say she was looking forward to it, and spent time organising etc. Maybe making me sound difficult. The tone of that message is really deliberately neutral and vague, so maybe a few of them are standing up for me otherwise why would there be an issue?

I haven’t got the energy to think about this anymore tonight. Will update tomorrow. Thank you so much for your posts.

wow she's a real cow isn't she? on a chat you aren't on talking about you behind your back

I think i tend to agree with you OP that they don't sound bothered, let alone enthusiastic. Lots of commenters saying they could be too busy to reply but if they were all chatting away planning the weekend in the groupchat until you replied then it would be odd they were suddenly all too busy.

Seems like they are only interested in how much booze & £s are involved. Of course wait and see what anyone says in the morning, but I also think Scotland with your family sounds a lot more enjoyable than your classy crafting plan surrounded by these 'friends'.

Having read all your posts and some of the replies, I honestly think at this stage I'd simply leave the group chat and wait for anyone to get in touch with me. If they do or don't, it's up to them now. It's YOUR birthday and they're all compliant in making this a pretty shitty situation for you now.
Draw a line and walk with your head held high. If anyone contacts you privately deal with it as and when.
Maybe because I'm older and over my younger years was very much a people pleaser, now I do what's best for me and my family.
They've made you feel horrible so just walk away and give that husband of yours a hug for really being there for you x

I agree OP I’m not encouraged by the ‘go with the flow’ comment

Agree completely

I think "sure no worries" and "happy to go with the flow" (plus silence from the others) means "oh no, the Queen Bee and the person whose birthday it actually is are not in agreement and I don't know what I am allowed to do or say"

I've seen loads of these threads where the Queen Bee ostracises a member of the group and all the other members are too scared to stand up to her.

Yes, I agree. And I would have said so!

Now would’ve been the perfect time for them to backtrack and reassure you that they would love to spend your birthday with you doing your chosen activities. “Happy to go with the flow” just keeps the question mark above your plans, as if there is still a possibility that they will do the weekend instead?? Bizarre and disrespectful.
I would axe the whole thing and have a lovely day out with family xx

I also agree with prior posters regarding taking a step back from the group in general. Perhaps there are a few of them that are worth continuing individual friendships with outside the group setting, but certainly not the ones steamrolling you on your own birthday.

I need to know if they are expecting you to pay for the whole weekend away, for them too? That would make this even stranger. They are not your friends op. Sleep on it, let them panic and then tell them how disappointed you are in a few days.

Tbh I’d just not bother with doing anything with these ‘friends’ and do something you want to do with your family instead.
Let them go ahead and book their little trip - they don’t care what you want, so leave them to it.

I started out thinking this was a massive breakdown in communication, they were planning on treating you as they wanted you to have a celebration as big as all of theirs...

I'm a bit stumped now but still (ever the optimist) hoping I'm at least partially right.

Maybe there IS another chat but it's dedicated to you and your birthday. Maybe one of the not-Joans started saying "she's struggling a little financially, could we plan something great for her?" yet then the plan sort of grew legs with Joan getting carried away.

I don't think you should sit feeling bad. I think leave it till tomorrow then send something like

"Listen I've been dwelling on this since yesterday so I've decided to be honest. I'm feeling quite hurt about the response to my birthday plans. I planned something in budget that I'd enjoy. For everyone else's birthday I showed up enthusiastically to whatever they chose to do. I'm embarrassed now at the lacklustre response so it's all a bit tainted and there's no point going ahead with it. I'm not trying to start a row, just sharing."

As a previous poster mentioned, I would just leave the group and see if anyone reaches out. If they don’t then that’s your answer there.

YES

This is the perfect response!

Ring whichever one has contacted you that you trust the most.

Explain the situation - I suspect that they are too scared of Joan of Snark to dare look enthusiastic about your original plan and that is why they seem rather underwhelming in their response to you.

Theres a row brewing and they don't want to be caught in the cross fire.

Are they all intimidated by Joan? Sometimes there’s that Queen Bee that no one is comfortable standing up to. So it might not be the whole group you have to ditch, just Joan.

Why not directly contact (call!) the two friends who’ve replied and say you’d be really happy celebrating in your chosen activity with them. Don’t cancel and don’t let bloody Joan win. I bet anything you’d have a lovely time with the quieter (4?) friends.

Snap.