Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

For the umpteenth time

IT'S THE OP'S BIRTHDAY AND THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO!

and breathe...

OP to somewhere you like with your lovely family and forget about them. You sound really lovely, you need good people around you to lift your self esteem back up!

I hope you have a fabulous birthday. If you ever want a fellow crafter and pottery painter friend in Surrey, feel free to PM me :)

ODFOD

Why the need to be so rude? You're not invited!

If they're such good friends you should surely be able to be honest with them and say money is a little tight at the moment but you actually have chosen to do something that you would enjoy doing with them.
I think they have been pretty rude to be honest dissing your original plan though.

You sound like such a lovely person OP. People can be so thoughtless. Have a wonderful weekend away with your family - the rest will blow over.

Your birthday plan sounded awesome!

I’d message again,

“Hi all, I realise now that my original birthday plan wasn’t up everyone’s street but I was quite happy with it. As mentioned, I can’t really go away this year but I hope you will all still plan something as you sound excited about it (maybe just not for my birthday, if I’m not there 🤣). I feel a bit unsure now about the original plan, so I think I’ll cancel for now, and have a rethink. Hope to see you all soon for a catch up”

Puffins are worth the visit alone :)

As you won't be alone, you might not be looking for a Mumsnet craft morning, but give us a shout if you do!

Hold the bus. So all your other friends took their turn to pay for you all to attend their lavish birthday celebrations, and now it’s your turn you want to spend less money on everyone? Maybe they feel unhappy you’re not willing to spend the same on them that they’ve spent on you in the past.

I’m not saying the way they’ve dealt with this has been the right way to go about it, but there could be two sides to this story. I don’t think you should have agreed to all pay for each other in the past. I have a close friendship group and we’ve all paid for ourselves at birthday events. That way if someone can’t afford to go, there’s no fall out.

You say you can’t afford it then talk about a holiday to Scotland with your husband and family which won’t be cheap either. I agree you shouldn’t be strong armed into going somewhere you don’t want to go, but I think you need to discuss this face to face with your friends. Group text grievances always escalate too quickly. Pick one of them you feel most comfortable with and call her over the phone to get this resolved.

Sorry but WTF! It’s not like she’s invited them to have their teeth pulled out 🤣 it sounds perfectly lovely and if they were good friends they would do what they think she will enjoy (not reenact their youth in Magaluf or whatever)

Come to Scotland - hell move here. We'd all be your friends - real ones!

I'm assuming the other friends didn't only invite their small circle to their extravagant parties but a whole group of other family and friends.

The other friends would not be paying for the OP for their proposed weekend away. And I assume she's paid her way when they have had dinners out, weekends away etc in the past. She is offering to pay for all of her friends to attend the crafts and lunch party.

Is this how you operate in life? You only have celebrations where you invite guests on a quid pro quo basis?

People can’t, and shouldn’t, spend money that they don’t have. It doesn’t matter what kind of parties OP’s friends threw for themselves a year or 5 ago…right now OP and her DH don’t have the money to spend as much. Surely you don’t think people should go into debt for milestone birthdays to keep up with the Jones’s?

But it is what OP wants to do. How very rude to say that it is boring. OP has stated time and again that she doesn't enjoy the big girls holiday / night out type thing. Why should she not get to do what she enjoys on her special day. What is boring about a nice day doing an activity with friends followed by a meal in a nice restaurant?

tbey don’t sound like good friend op. I have had to say we were cutting right back on Christmas presents this Christmas just gone for financial reasons and my friend where nothing but lovely, except one who took the huff but I have been thinking about dropping her anyway as she makes everything about her. I can’t believe none has replied. I would love a craft day

I'm starting to wonder if some if the people that are coming in saying it's boring etc are the OPs friends. It would seem that some people don't know how to enjoy.themselves if it doesn't involve a rowdy girls weekend or night out.

I would NEVER do this to a close friend. Tell her suggestion is a bit shit and we can organise something better. I’m not surprised you’re upset. Can you mention it to one of the group that you were a bit blindsided by it? But I agree with others to knock it on the head and do what YOU want to do for your 40th.

And speaking as someone who holidays in Scotland a lot, it!s a magical place. Boat trips off Mull are good to see puffins.

I agree. And the OP has said some of the other friends enjoy crafting, so it's not likely to be boring for them. And so what if "Joan" finds it "boring". She can say no thanks if she will be bored. I'm sure the OP has been bored witless watching Joan get shit faced and feel up waiters on her "interesting" nights out.

Go to Scotland, it's gorgeous.

My mother and I often say that we think there's something in the water these days.... (Her friends are behaving madly as well).

Honestly on what planet does the conversation go like this....

birthday person - I'd like to do this activity plus lunch on my birthday - who's up for it?

Everyone else- let's go to Ibiza!!!! yay!!!!

I mean, how does it even happen?!!!! I'm so confused. 😵‍💫

@dappledeverglade I hope you have a lovely birthday. I would let things settle down and chat with people, in person or by phone conversation, not message, as individuals... to try and figure out what happened. It may be that one crazy person needs to be rejected and the others are actually okay.

Joan is an arse

You won’t regret it! We took the kids a few years ago. The puffins were well with the four hour boat trip, such a stunningly beautiful experience.

If you are such close friends then you should be able to be honest with them and tell them that at the moment you are going through financial issues and can't afford to go. If they are good friends then they will either all chip in to pay for you or they drop that idea and do what the original plans are. You shouldn't feel embarrassed.

Sorry this has happened OP it sounds hurtful. I agree with a few other posters who have recommended embracing 40 as the new era of giving zero fucks. You do you.

Haven't read the full thread but have read op posts.
They have been unbelievably rude and I would absolutely be hurt.
Personally I would use the money you were going to spend on paying for your friends craft/meal and do something you will love with either your DH and kids or other family, or are there any other less close friends you think might want to do the craft thing with you? And by less close I mean nicer.....

I think it would just be miserable going ahead with it now and feeling like rather than happily celebrating your birthday with you they are there on sufferance.
I wouldn't have a big blow up, just say, 'oh well, I'm not up for a big trip away, I can't afford it right now and I'm not keen on party trips anyway.
I'll plan something else with my DH for my birthday and catch up with you all another time' and then drastically cut down on how much you invest in these friendships with shitty people.