Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I'd just say something like, 'thank you for offering to organise something else but this is my birthday, and actually I put a lot of time and effort into organising this. I would really like you to come to my birthday as I arranged - I know it's not very 'glamourous' but this is something I did put a lot of thought into, and I find it a bit hurtful that you're suggesting that it's a bad idea'.

Scotland sounds perfect hope you eventually have the 40th you want.

You need to leave a message in the group stating that as it's your birthday that's what you wanted to do and you find it disrespectful that your plans have been ditched for a destination you've never even mentioned you wanted to go to. Your finances are a red herring here as it's not what you want to do.

My dad had this for a big birthday, he didn't want any fuss but was cajouled into doing something he didn't want to do. It was so awful to the point I refuse to go to that place again.

I was wondering this myself! Did they decide they fancied the holiday on OPs expense?

These people are not your friends. They’ve hijacked your birthday as an excuse to do what they want, without even asking or checking to see if it’s affordable. I’d make it clear the idea isn’t acceptable and possibly come clean with someone in the group you’re closer to, that your financial situation won’t support anything lavish.

Joining the chorus of appalled voices at your friends’ behaviour, I would be really sad too if that were sprung on me. And to those people suggesting that the OP’s plan wasn’t very fun- who cares what you think, because it’s her birthday and she should get to choose the activity! At least that’s how it works for most people, birthday person chooses what they have for tea and what sort of cake and what sort of party.
OP I hope some of your friends get back to you with apologies for this and can do something to make amends, but I do agree that the party you planned won’t be the same now- Scotland however would be lovely. Spend your money to make you happy and sod them.

It's my idea of hell too, but that's because I'm bad at crafting. It's like telling someone who found maths hard at school that they have to come to a maths class. If OP was my friend, I'd still go to the lunch though.

Are the few mean to replies on here from the OP's so called friends?

I wonder if the silence is because they are not sure on how to respond (as well as being busy doing ordinary busy-weekend-mum things - and that Joan had persuaded them that the trip would be a brilliant idea that you would love and none of them felt confident enough to disagree (especially if she worked on everyone one on one, they didn't feel confident enough to say that they were looking forward to your craft and lunch plan and it ended up being an 'agreed plan' by default rather than anyone (other than Joan) actually wanting it.

But on top of this, I suspect that she went further and got everyone to book it and that they were all going to chip in to give you your ticket/accommodation as your present, thinking that they were doing a nice thing for you - and now that means that not only do they have to admit that they weren't able to speak up and say that they know you wouldn't really like it but were hoping you would end up having a lovely time, but they've paid the money they would have spent on your birthday present on the trip that you're not going to be on and have no plans on joining - meaning that they will have wasted money that they might not be able to reclaim in order to get you a present you'd enjoy... So they're just reeling incredibly awkward and guilty and know that there are several others in the same position as them (even if they ignore the Joan factor) and they don't want to be the first one to have to admit that surprise, their present to you is the holiday weekend that you've just said is the last thing you'd want to do - or at least want to be able to do so at the same time as others that are in the same boat, rather than do it and for there then to be lots more silence...

OP I know how you feel - when it was my 50th I was going to go out to lunch with my dh for a nice quiet lunch at a nice local restaurant when I discovered that dsis and dm were planning on joining us as they'd got presents and cake and decorations they wanted to give me. So said fine, and as they are a bit further away from me, added another nice pub into options of where to go as it was a bit easier for them to get to. By the time they had ummed and ahhed and when I said it was too late, they got annoyed with me and decided that it would be much more sensible to go to the pub that's half way between all of us - that they like and I don't - and that would mean dh couldn't come as we were just going to go for a long lunch break from his work (but not that long!). I ended up in tears, dh was wonderful and said to go without him, dm is getting old, dsis was having a hard time of things so make them happy too and we would do our own special lunch on another day, so I reluctantly went - but felt upset that they were supposed to be there to celebrate my birthday and yet they had managed to completely ignore that and not only turn it something that I didn't want to do but also spun it that it was extra special and that also convenient for me. It wasn't. And to be honest, it left me looking at my relationship with them and family dynamics again with a different view.

So I'm not surprised that you have been really hurt by this - I would definitely dial back on doing things that include Joan but give the others a chance to make it up to you, provide an explanation and get back a nice close friendship with those who are the nicest of the group and not in thrall to Joan and her ideas.

If I'd been your friend and you had suggested something I hated doing then I might have said "Sorry Dapple, I've had problems with pottery over the years but I don't want to miss out on your birthday - any chance I could skip the pottery and just meet you at the lunch instead please, where you can tell me all about it and show me what you've made?". That's the sort of response they should have been sending back to you if they really didn't want to do your craft thing, not trying to change it into something else!

Hope you end up having a great 40th by the way - wherever and whoever. you spend it with!

I don’t think I know anyone who had an expensive do for their 40th. Most people these days are knee deep in massive mortgages and childcare fees at that age. I guess it’s quite a wealthy circle of friends and they won’t be used to anyone needing to economise. Op don’t spend more than you can afford and maybe think twice before forking out for craft days and lunches. I guess that on its own will be hundreds based on what I pay for kids parties these days 😁

Bless you, OP. This sounds like a much lovelier plan. I am sorry your friends are being shitty. Sounds like they just want an excuse for a girls' party weekend away, and have lost sight of the fact it's YOUR birthday!

Pick up the phone and speak to them

wattsapp is crap for gauging tone etc

if you have been friends for years just speak to them and it might all be sorted with one phone call.

And you wouldn't go rubbishing your friends plans and making new ones for her

This reminds me of the film "Bridesmaids"

Well, if criticising the crafting class was 'rubbishing her plans' then yes I suppose I would say something like 'that's not for me' and 'not everyone likes crafting' or 'are you sure you want to do that?'.

I went to a hen night that started with pottery. It brought up awful school memories for me so I just joined them afterwards.

Making new plans for her? No, I wouldn't because I'm too lazy. But then again, I don't see how anyone can make these plans without OP's agreement. It sounds like OP just didn't object when they started making these plans

This happened to me over my 30th.

Mixed sex group of friends from uni days, we’d always done what the birthday person wanted. Tradition was we meet in pub/cafe (depending on activity time/type) and birthday person reveals what activity / venue is. Nothing was ever outrageous, but varied from comedy night to ice skating, painting plates and even a DJ class! I was the last to turn 30. None of us had kids then.

I’ve always loved dancing even though I’m rubbish at it. I wanted to go to a swing dance night. Checked before hand with venue and yes, they were happy for a birthday group of first-timers to come along. Ticket price was something like £3.

At the pub I tell everyone what we’re doing, said it’ll be fun and we’ll go on somewhere after as the open class was only an hour and we don’t have to stay all night.

Girl I thought was my best friend says “That sounds like sh*t. Anyone got any better ideas?” Someone produced a copy of Time Out and they sat there in a huddle planning MY birthday night. They decided on a new bar followed by burgers and then Ministry of Sound. I hate dance music, always have.

Stupidly I agreed.

Went to the bar with them but when we got to the burger place I just couldn’t face going in. I was at the back and watched them all climb the steps. My boyfriend at the time (of 10 years, part of the uni group) asked if I was alright, I said my stomach was a bit delicate and I didn’t feel up to a burger. He said he’d let them know and went inside. I waited outside for a bit, then left and went home.

On the last tube back I realised that as I watched them going up the steps I was seeing my friendships slip away. Sounds dramatic, but that’s just how it hit me. Even now, in my 50s I can clearly picture them all laughing and chatting as they went into the burger place.

I went home, on my own, cried myself to sleep and vowed never to attempt to celebrate another birthday of mine. I’ll do everyone else’s, I’ll even arrange it for them, I love helping people celebrate birthdays! But I won't do mine ever again.

When I met my husband he was happy to accept a cake, cards etc as a surprise from me for his birthday, but as he’s autistic it doesn’t occur to him to reciprocate for me. That both hurts and doesn’t. I’d love someone to do something for my birthday, but at the same time I’m scared to arrange anything myself in case the same thing happens again. So I’ve become known as someone who doesn’t do birthdays and no one bothers. I guess they think I wouldn’t want them to.

Stupidly I stayed in a relationship with that boyfriend and the group of uni friends for another couple of years after that. Until one evening my 30th came up in conversation and they all laughed at how it was a great night out and that they’d managed to blag their way into another club on the way to MoS by telling the door that it was my birthday and how great both clubs were. I pointed out that I didn’t go to either and they were astonished. No one had noticed I wasn’t there. Even my boyfriend who had left me outside the burger place and had gone clubbing without me hadn’t noticed I’d gone home alone. You’d think they would have noticed I wasn’t in any of the photos, but no, they didn’t.

So sorry to hijack the OPs thread, but please take this as a cautionary tale. These people are not your friends. Don’t try to appease them or persuade them to do your choice of birthday activity. If they really cared for you as a friend they’d do it without complaint or comment.

Go and do your choice of thing with your husband, or use the money you save from not paying for such ungrateful, spiteful maggots to do your choice of activity, to spend a weekend away with your husband - hotel or tent, whatever YOU choose!

Those women won’t become better, the friendship dynamic was faux, and fleeting at that. Your People are out there somewhere, they may even be here, on Mumsnet. But they’re definitely not the ones planning on a pricey weekend abroad to somewhere you don’t want to go, doing something you despise.

Don’t let them plant a memory of a birthday you hate. Because 20+ years later that memory will still hurt. And you shouldn’t be made to feel that.

Big hugs! x

Perfect reply!

I think the craft/wine session sounds great, with a relaxing lunch afterward. Your friends are dolts.

But Scotland with a nice DH sounds even better.

I had a drink after work in a casino on my 40th. Alone.

So sorry that happened to you @WobblyBottom72.

@dappledeverglade

Can't believe you have to pay to take people to a craft activity and for a meal when it's your birthday?!

If you don't have a lot of money it's madness.

It's not for your birthday.

That's what I was thinking. The hen party 🙈

Wowsers - who needs these ‘friends’. It sounds like a snobby, wealthy circle tbh - sometimes these people are not really friends - especially Joan(?) who has form for criticising you. I have a neighbour who moves in circles like this - it’s all based on situation (the kids being at school) and then them collectively upholding their middle class selves. Hurtful and tone deaf from them. Glad you’ve said no - big girl pants on, if you want to go ahead with your plan tell them and ask anyone who doesn’t want to join to DM you. Or, just cancel it and do something with your DH. It might be a group you need to ditch, grieve and then move on from.

My mother is a ‘Joan’ type and ruined a round-up birthday of mine because she likes to be ‘seen’.

Perhaps less ‘Joan’ and more ‘Haycinth’ 😂

Thing is, it would not change anything even if it was ‘well-intentioned’.

No birthday surprise will ever be as special as one the birthday person really wants.

My birthday this year has already one person bouncing on with an announcement of how I’ll spend it.

I am 100% sure Mother Hyacinth/Joan will also have a lavish public thing in mind too.

However I will spending it quietly at home, because that is what I really want.

I hope your friends come through OP and realise that they have overstepped and that planning your birthday with their wishes is not a nice present.

Oh my word @WobblyBottom72 that's terrible. That's truly terrible. But I agree with everything you said. These people are not OPs friends. Otherwise they would allow her to have her birthday celebration in whatever way she wants, not bully her into doing what they want.

My friends would be all over that idea... it sounds great and definitely special occasion-worthy.

They sound like they want to make it worth their while, whatever that means.