Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

This! Turn off your phone for a few hours and go and do something else. While I completely get why you're upset, interpreting a lack of immediate replies as evidence that they're all talking behind your back is crazy. Leave it until tomorrow and then take stock again.

Another one that wants an invite here! Sounds lovely and, if it isn’t their sort of thing, it’s hardly the most offensive activity to ‘endure’ for a friend!

It sounds like they’ve all had their turn and done what they wanted so now they want to take over your turn and make it about them, it’s selfish. I hope you manage to have a nice celebration with your family or other friends OP.

I agree with a PP that if some of the other friends in the group are out and about with families etc then they may not have sat down yet and digested the messages and that you’ve been left hanging. You’ll know more soon and actually it might turnaround if you let it be and see what happens next.

I agree, but I bet you anything you like that this is how they view the situation

message posted twice.

@dappledeverglade do you actually want to be friends with any of these people? If so, I’d contact them individually and ask if they fancy a pub lunch or afternoon tea to celebrate your birthday. Then say on the WhatsApp group that it’s all getting out of hand, I’ll catch up with you later and then I’d leave the group.

Maybe your 40th will be the year you really step into your own power, OP. What a gift that would be.
What is the exact truth that you need to communicate to your friends? It sounds as if your true message would be something like this:
Dear Friends, This whole thing has gone very very wrong. For my 40th birthday I want to do crafts with you and have lunch afterwards. DH is gifting me the event as part of my birthday present, and it is exactly what I want. Joan has suggested a weekend away but I can't afford it and don't want to do it anyway. I want all of you, my old and dear friends, to join me for crafts and lunch.
Please RSPV one way or the other to my invitation so I can make the booking, and lets have no more talk of weekends away!
Love x

I feel really awful for you OP. For me it would take a lot to organise something for a birthday as I don't celebrate them. And to be told it wasn't up to scratch, I would feel is really mean.

If the prevailing approach is that each birthday girl arranges her own celebration, then this is just a weird thing to do from the group.

I hope you get it sorted out, but in the meantime enjoy your weekend.

If you could possibly afford that then go - with your husband

Not that group of cows!

Yep - they might have read and clocked that it needs a more carefully thought out reply.

What a horrible snide thing to write.

I've read through all your responses. I think at this stage, I'd leave the group. No one is listening to you or responding. They are ploughing on regardless with their plans. So leave, and if no one reaches out to you privately, I think that tells you all you need to know about your friends. If someone does message you privately, then just say some version of what you have here: you are hurt that they've just trampled all over your birthday plans and are planning something you can't afford and wouldn't enjoy anyway.

As they are the ones inflicting the hurt they can get lost!

@dappledeverglade these people are not your friends. They are just good timers. It would be interesting to see how your friendships pan out now that you have less .......

It wasn't for them to plan!

That's not how this group works. The birthday person arranges and invites

They've ridden roughshod over the OP and arranged something they would like with absolutely no thought for her, Friends of 10 years should know she'd hate an Ibiza -style clubbing party

When did people stop caring about others? The self-centeredness is breathtaking

I've seen this play out before OP.
My take is and no offense but Joan doesn't really like you hence the digs etc..
In her mind there was no way she was bothered celebrating your birthday unless it was something she wanted to do. She also didn't like the idea of limelight on you so decided like a PP has said to make a powerplay. The other women being weak, not able to stand up to her and not being your true friends (none of them are) went along with this and are now stuck as they don't want to go against her and cancel the whole thing.
Just be done with the lot of them, be thankful you had this eye opening and celebrate your birthday with people who really care about you xx

Joan needs to wind her neck in. Your birthday plans sound great and I'm another one who'd love to come along 😊

Is there someone in the group that you're closer to that you could message or call to ask them what they think about your original plans and Joan's behaviour? If not, switch your phone off and enjoy your wine ❤️

They sound like a load of over excited teenagers agreeing to suggestions & totally losing sight of what the it's all supposed to be about!

I do think that you should have said no to the weekend straightaway & I think that they may have thought that you would be OK if they organised it all?

I image Joan has been planting seeds, painting OP as a cheapskate.. 'how unfair' for Dappled to fob them all off after the amount of ££££s they've all spent on her before... They DESERVE a holiday, etc

I've read all of the OP messages, and my overriding thought is FUCK THEM. OP you deserve so much better, these women are not friends, if they were they'd have just said yes to your birthday plans. Even if it's not their cup of tea they should just do it, because it's your birthday so should be what you want it to be. Presumably they are aware of your financial situation (even vaguely, with my friends it would be "sorry guys I'm skint at the moment so will need to keep things low key") I'd be tempted to message the group chat and say that it doesn't really feel like this is for my birthday any more and it's not my cup of tea anyway, so you all go ahead and maybe we can do something else for my birthday another time. Then leave the chat. If any of her have an ounce of decency they'll message you separately and fucking apologise, if they don't then you've had a good detox of shit friends and can focus on lovely family birthday goodness. Fuck them, selfish pricks. And for what it's worth, I'm another that would have bloody loved the crafty/meal birthday. Hugs though, as I know this is a shit feeling

Exactly.

When you receive an invite you accept or decline you don't make a different suggestion.

You make suggestions if asked: I'm not sure what to do for my bady. I was thinking maybe craft and lunch, what do you think?

Not when you receive: Please come to xyz as our guests to celebrate with us.

People are so ill mannered and ignorant.

If anyone had asked me if I wanted to go away privately, I wouldn’t have minded, but no one did, and it was just presented as a done deal. The fact that the arrangements were made in my absence, and without a reply made me feel rightly or wrongly that it wouldn’t matter if I was not there or not. No one even waited for me to reply!

Do you think so? How do you think the OP felt when that poster twice made horrible and completely unnecessary comments about her chosen birthday celebrations?

Perfect

“Thank you so much for trying to make my birthday more special than my original plan. It’s so sweet of you. I do hope that you will go on your planned trip and have a brilliant time. However as my great friends, you know that things are tight and that a clubbing w/e in Ibiza is my idea of absolute hell! Really not something I would enjoy for my birthday. As no one seems really keen on my idea, I think I am going to knock the whole thing on the head and have dinner out with DH or something. See you soon”

PA and martyrish? YES! But frankly that’s what’s needed from time to time. They have been thoughtless and arrogant.