Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Your friends aren’t friends. I would like to think in your situation I would post the link to this thread into your group chat so they can see lots of views and opinions and also how hurt you are. I think your plans are lovely but I don’t think you should go ahead with anything now as like you said, it’s all tainted now. I wish you a Happy 40th Birthday and hope you have a lovely day

I wouldn't say anything more in the group. This will shake out those who are true friends. I would be honest with them if they contact you privately, but I wouldn't add anything more to the group. I wouldn't leave the group (for now) as that can look like a flounce.

Completely agree.

Do you struggle socially Mirabai?

I cannot understand the people defending this, they're a bunch of bitches and I'm mad on your behalf op.

To me it sounds like Queen Bee has used this to put you down and make a power play. Am I right in assuming the euro party central idea is actually something Queen Bee would enjoy?! The others have gone along with this unquestioning and without thinking about what YOU want or even checking with you once, just humbly rushing to agree with her alternate plans. 😡

I'd skip any sort of birthday celebrations with this bunch of so called friends op, and just focus on celebrating with your husband and family.

Pour the wine 🍷

I wonder if they don't know how to respond now?

You've made it clear you won't be going on the weekend aay.
But have you made it clear whether the lunch is still going ahead and you are expecting a response?

You probably justifiably don't think you need to but they may be thinking...OK, this is awkward, what now? Does she still want the lunch? Should we mention it?

You may need to clarify your position.

Maybe not tonight or this weekend. Maybe chat directly to a couple of people and say: I was a bit upset that my plan was disparaged so I'm going to do something low key with DH now.
Or: I'd still like to do the plan so let me know if you'd like to come.

At the moment there is just an awkward void. Not of your making, but you'll need to clarify your position at some point.

With all due respect @dappledeverglade you are spiraling going by your updates. People can be busy at the weekend so I think it a little unreasonable to expect people to respond right away.

The important thing is that you have finally been assertive and said you won't be going. Sounds like the whole thing was hijacked and why go on a weekend in sufferance while putting yourself under financial pressure?

Let the dust settle and when you're feeling less emotional about it all you can see who would like to join you for what you had originally planned.

This ^
wait and find out who your true friends are.

this is often a painful but necessary process when part of a group.

I'm in Scotland too. My daughter had a hen do at doodles where you paint pottery and have it fired. Then we went for a pizza. I'm sure you'd like it.

How horrible!
People are so tactless. They obviously are itching for any excuse to get away. Problem is they may have now setup a holiday group chat without you which might stop them from realising how they have left you hanging.
Your birthday plans sounded like a great day and your husband sounds wonderfully supportive too.
If it were me I wouldnt message again in the group for a long time. When's your birthday?

That's a pretty graceless reply to you, IMO. Maybe she's just embarrassed though and doesn't know what to say. 🙄

Could they be reading this thread on MN @dappledeverglade?
Could that explain their silence?

They’re not kind they’re controlling. They’re organising a trip to somewhere OP doesn’t want to go to without even asking her, they’re just telling her. OP you really need to say you don’t want to do that, you don’t want a lot of fuss and you can’t justify it at the moment. Your idea sounds perfect, I’d love to do that if I was your friend!

Do not add the last bit if you value the friendship or your dignity.
This bit
"it all feels a bit tainted now, like none of you would enjoy it and would only be there to keep me happy.
Enjoy your weekend away and I'll catch up with you soon"

Yes Joan’s idea and perfect place for her. She is a party girl, and it’s one of the things I like about her. I’d like to do something low key for my 40th. I had a party for my 30th and it ended up costing a fortune!

I think @CountessWindyBottom is right, @dappledeverglade .

It was after 4pm on a Saturday. They have kids. You're jumping to "not replied, so rude, probably planning in another chat" awfully quickly. It's not even been 2 hours and people with families are generally pretty busy on Saturday afternoons.

I think you should step back and leave everything until tomorrow evening. Stop expecting a quick reply or reinforcement when there's a decent chance many of them are just doing other stuff right now and don't have time and head space to talk about plans.

There's no need to borrow trouble. If yes, they think your plan is naff and want a party weekend, I agree you should leave them to it. But it had been less than 20 minutes before you started fretting.

Tbh you have to question if they are actually friends you want to keep and move through life with. It sounds as though you are very different and they are more excited at the prospect of a weekend away than your feelings or what you actually want for your birthday.
i would leave the group chat as it is, then take the money you’d have spent to do something lovely for yourself with your DH

If they are reading it and they are genuine friends they should have privately got in contact to apologise and to say they didn’t mean to cause the hurt.

There's no questions they're being shit op. My school Mom friend is about to turn 50. We planned her a suprise. She said she didn't like surprises so we immediately told her and then changed it slightly at her request. We're all totally ok with that because we just want HER to have fun and by extension we will. And actually your idea sounds lovely.

If they were friends then how much they had paid for their birthday celebrations should not come into it. True friendship isn't transactional where we all have to spend a certain amount to be in the friendship group. Anyone who thinks this way is quite frankly very immature and doesn't deserve to call themselves a friend of the OP.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!! They probably just got a bit carried away with the idea of a trip away. It’s only been a couple of hours, they might be out or in doing things. I don’t think you should think of the idea as tainted, you’ll have a lovely time on your craft morning and lunch. Don’t let one person derail things for you.

Put the chat on mute for tonight and put it our of your mind for now.

Enjoy your red wine with you husband and have a nice evening together.

He's been approved as a good one by MNs - doesn't happen often.😀

I once had a “surprise “ birthday treat arranged ( a city break ) I knew nothing about it and felt awkward/ in the wrong mood and caught on the hop. I don’t like surprises at all - for me the anticipation is a big part of the pleasure .
I definitely felt like the trip had been arranged for the benefit of the “queen bee” who’d arranged it around all the things she liked.
A celebration for you should be about the people and things and places that you love

But it wasn't their place to override OPs.plans because tbey thought they weren't good enough. She had made a plan and invited them to her celebrations. Only after she had invited them did Joan decide it wasn't good enough and tried to railroad over the top of OPs plans with something that OP would not have enjoyed. That is just plain rude.

If this was about doing something special for OP they'd have asked her if she wanted to do something bigger, they'd have asked her about locations, they'd have known a party clubbing weekend was not her.