Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Had they chosen a weekend away that op would enjoy, with her interests at heart then I would agree with you but they have chosen something the op says they know she would not enjoy..."Joan" has suggested something she likes and wants to do without a second thought to the op.

That is not how friends act

I'm so sorry they've been so disappointing. That must feel awful.

Maybe you should take up said craft, go to some classes and make new friends.

I'm so sorry OP.
Your plan sounds lovely, I want to come!

Please send the message from someone above about how it's made you feel. Then leave them a LONG time before contacting again.

Value yourself, you are enough 💗.

If they are friends, op, who needs them?

They have been MONUMENTALLY rude and should all be ashamed of themselves.

Don't do anything with them for your birthday now; spend it with your dh or other friends.

Honestly, I'm angry on your behalf!! Bunch of rude dickheads.

How rude are they?! Stuff them OP, your plans sound way better, i know which I'd rather do!
I have a Joan in my life too, I completely understand.

This is not kind. It's bullying and thoughtless. If they were trying to be encouraging, how patronising,they would have replied.

Agree . OP why don’t you just do something lovely with your family.

What a shame, OP. You sound lovely and like you’re all set to do an art workshop and they’re steamrollered all over you and booked a mad weekend in Ibiza! How rude of them! I’ll come and craft with you! Sod them.

Because in their heads they’ve planned a big birthday weekend away for you and you’ve been funny about it and basically rejected it without fully explaining why. If they are true friends just be honest with them and say you’re totally skint and feeling sensitive about it. People aren’t mind readers and maybe they thought you would love it!

I am not saying they haven’t been tactless but all the people calling them crap friends and bellends etc aren’t helping either. If you want an ongoing relationship with these women I think you need to be upfront about the fact you are feeling vulnerable!

I think if they were good friends they would have responded to my first invite more positively, and when they realised I couldn’t go away for the weekend, at least replied properly. I feel disrespected now. Maybe it could have been salvaged had they shown any interest whatsoever…

Don't spend more than you wanted to to placate these selfish people. Lovely of your Dh but the wrong thing to do.

Also, don't tell them your personal business. You do that with friends when necessary. They aren't and it's not.

This is great advice. They may just want a weekend away themselves and perhaps have been a bit tactless. I would just firmly give them one more chance as it’s not worth falling out over.

Just don’t go. It’s your birthday, and supposed to be about you doing what you want to do to celebrate it.
Personally, I think they have been rude and disrespectful.
May be time to think about your membership of the group?

What is lame about OPs birthday plans? In an earlier post you referred to it as crappier. How rude.

Where have you found these????

Agree. Your husband sounds lovely and so do you. You entitled to celebrate your birthday the way you want to .
It’s hard to know if some of the group originally thought they were planning something nice for you but the lack of responses once you’d made it plain you wanted to stick to your plan is really horrible for you. If they were true friends they would not want to make you feel uncomfortable about your birthday plans.
I’m sorry they’ve been so thoughtless/ nasty .

I can sympathise with you, OP. My 40th was last year. My friends kept asking me what I wanted to do and I was very clear each time that I didn’t want to celebrate it and didn’t want a fuss. I spent all year worrying about it and the comments kept coming. Again each time I clearly stated that I didn’t want to do anything.

Anyway, I dropped into a conversation that was totally unrelated that I did not like surprises. I was questioned a couple of times with ‘not even good surprises?’ I absolutely hate being the centre of attention and I was struggling a lot with my life not being where I imagined by 40. One of them then admitted they were planning on a big surprise meal for me. I ended up having a panic attack thinking about it. I thanked them for the thought but said I already had plans (which I did, I just didn’t tell anyone what they were so that no one would be able to turn up and surprise me).

In the end it was just me, DP, the dog and my parents. None of them were told what we were doing until the day. It was lovely and just what I wanted. Plus I got to take the dog somewhere that I’d wanted to take her for a long time. She is elderly and probably in her last year so that will be precious memories for me of her forever.

So do what YOU want to do. It’s your birthday, not theirs. Don’t let them bully you into doing something that you either don’t want to do or can’t afford.

If that were the case I think they might have asked me first rather than making an announcement on the group chat. If was about me then it might have been a place I would actually like? Cared enough to check rather than embarrassing me publicly? Then going silent. This isn’t screaming big hearted friendship to me, I might be wrong 🤷‍♀️

Exactly this! If you send a heavy, dramatic message saying how awkward and hurt you feel, that will be the beginning of the end of the group. Mumsnet threads do have a habit of whipping things up, and people suggest things they would never genuinely do themselves in real life.

The suggestion above about saying - feel free to do the weekend without me. The pottery will be going ahead on xx date, let me know by xx if you can make it - was the best one. No getting involved in drama (or giving Joan something to pounce on) but also dignified, cool, calm and stands your ground without seeming threatened by Joan.

At the very least I'd mute the chat for now and sleep on it.

@dappledeverglade its still early enough to put the phone away, get the kids to bed and have drink on the couch with your husband.

You’ll be all the better for it. 💐

How terribly rude of her! Let them go off on their weekend and find new friends. Your idea sounds lovely

Its the Joan show isn't it

I might get that glass of red. Feel like I need it. 🍷

@dappledeverglade you need better friends. I'm so sorry

Oh, OP. They sound absolutely awful. I'm so sorry. Your idea sounds so much more thoughtful and lovelier than what they've come up with. I really hope you hear something good from some of the more pleasant members of the group. I've seldom heard of anything as rude as turning down an invitation and suggesting something else entirely like this. The ringleader has no manners and no class.