Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

This is excellent

Don’t do what you don’t want them do and can’t afford. Celebrate how you wish.
if I’m honest your plans wouldn’t be my thing at all, crafting pottery etc my idea of hell and very dull, but I’d do it as a friend if that was what you wanted to do to celebrate. That’s what friends do.

Please don’t be sad - you can still have a lovely birthday. I think maybe they wanted to celebrate you and didn’t think because people who are comfortable financially often don’t think. I would try and take it as a sign that they care about you and just be honest with them. If they are true friends who love you they will love you in your kitchen drinking wine and blasting tunes as well as in some fancy restaurant. It’s rubbish being skint but the best people won’t give a shit.

I think if they had replied and said they were happy to come and celebrate, then we might have been able to go ahead at a push. But ‘sure no worries’ just makes me feel like I’m inflicting an endurance on them now.
The continued silence is making things worse, and very uncomfortable.

Gosh I agree with everything said here especially with the vulnerable issue and vicious pack mentality

Also, many many women genuinely have zero interest in weekends away with a large group.
I have wonderful friends and I have no interest.
On occasion I have had one night away with one very good friend, about one hour from home in a lovely 5☆ we both like, but not a chance I would fly anywhere.

I certainly don't speak for every woman, but you are not alone in having zero interest in doing this.

As for a weekend away with Tacky Joan, do yourself a birthday favour and cut her permanently loose.

The "no worries" response is also ignorant and rude.

I wouldn't dream of hosting anything.
They have made themselves crystal clear.
Mute the group and enjoy your birthday with family.
You have the menopause to face.
A few years from now you will look back at this and realise what utter twunts they were as a group.
Not worthy of your lovely celebration.
I know my friend group would have all thought yours was a gorgeous invitation to celebrate.
Its not you, its them.

Why don't you go away with your husband?

@dappledeverglade could you and DH go
do that weekend together?

Your idea sounds perfect and I imagine there's at least one other in the group who also can't afford money/ leave/childcare to head off to Europe and is probably relieved your original plan is going ahead.

Drop something into the chat about your plans to show that you have taken back control and that this is what you really want to do." I've made reservation for 8 in x restaurant at 1pm, let me know if you can definitely make it!"

It's less than a day of their time and they need to remember how they treat you now is how you will treat them once their 50ths start rocking around

@dappledeverglade you're massively over thinking this and getting upset for no reason.

These are your friends. Just be honest with them.

Just message "loving all these ideas, but you'll have to count me out as my budget won't stretch that far as finances are rather tight at the moment. A craft morning with prosecco followed by a lunch sounds perfect to me".

If they can't get on the same page as you, then they clearly aren't that good friends.

@dappledeverglade your birthday plans sound lovely! If your horrible friends don’t listen can I come? I’m really nice.

He really does doesn't he!

If I were you, I'd put the phone/laptop away for the night. Even if they respond at this stage, you probably won't want to read their responses tonight, doesn't matter how they respond at this stage.

Pour yourself a glass of what you fancy and put your feet up tonight. Don't be tempted to look at your phone. It can keep until tomorrow.

Then tomorrow with a clear head on you - you can get back to them saying that you are disappointed that something that you wanted to do for your birthday was poo-pooed by someone who had grander plans and essentially rode roughshod over your plans. You want them to go on their weekend away but you'd also like them to come to celebrate your birthday with you how you want to do it. I'd ask them to please confirm one way or the other if they want to be involved in the day.

Then you'll definitely know who of the group are your good friends and who are fair-weather friends.

Oh dear OP. This is really difficult. I expect it is the cost thing - if they have paid for expensive weekends away (entirely their choice!) they have been expecting you will do the same for them in return and you are not in a position to do so. I wouldn't lose your friends over this, I expect they are feeling momentarily a bit 'put out' if they have spent a lot in the past. If they understand that this is a financial problem rather than anything else I'm sure they will understand. I think the tension will pass. Im sorry you have been left feeling a bit crap.

@dappledeverglade they are DICKS. It’s not you, it’s them. And how lovely your DH is ❤️ what a nice chap. Wait til you can afford it in a couple of years when things have stabilised and enjoy a lovely weekend with him x

Yes that really was a great post, I can’t really see what Joan gets out of ruining my birthday like this? How does it benefit her?

Yes, very much this.

That’s really shitty of them. Your dh sounds lovely so that’s a positive. I’d spend your birthday with him.

yes I agree, I think they were trying to celebrate her and she’s feeling sensitive and has taken it very personally. Yes they’ve been tactless but they are friends of years’ standing who might also be feeling a bit hurt now.

Sorry OP, but your friends sound absolutely awful. I wouldn't want to spend my big birthday with them, celebrate with only your family who love you.

Do they even know you? How do they not know you’re not the type to like a party central weekend away? No way would I be wasting my money on these ‘friends’. Fuck the lot of them. Save your money for your DH and DC.

I've been pretty much exactly where you are. My advice would to hold off sending any emails/texts etc. for a couple of days. This thread has whipped things up and escalated the facts. As someone else has said, a face to face chat is going to be much more effective at sorting this out.

You are upset and reading into things, as are people on this thread. Sending an email telling her/them how upset you are doesn't leave them any wiggle room. They will feel uncomfortable/embarrassed and that will be the end of the friendship group. That maybe what you want, but what if it is really all a misunderstanding and Joan just thinks you deserve a super special birthday because thats what she associates with big birthdays. Yes, its clumsy, but it just might not be malicious.

Also, when I had woeful finances, I felt very sensitive about my friends going off here there and everywhere when I wasn't able to.

Why not arrange a coffee meet up and chat about it. Fair enough if she is being a cow, then maybe choose different friends. I know from experience that it is very easy to misread these type of conversations.

Did you not read the OPs posts where she said that she wouldn't enjoy what they want to do? She also said Joan has form for putting her down. OP can very much decide not to go.on a weekend away if it is not something she would enjoy. Would you expect your friend to change their plans on their birthday because you thought you knew what they would enjoy better than they did? That's what is happening here and it is very hurtful for OP to have her plans dismissed as not being good enough because that is whatvis actually happening here.

I think there is a nice way to think 'its your 40th, we can do better than that' if everyone thought you were deliberately keeping your plans smaller than you'd like and they wanted treat you. It's a shame that that doesn't sound like it's the case here though.
I'd rethink your plans completely. Really nice meal with DH instead of with unappreciative friends. If you still want to craft, do the crafting but maybe with one person you know would genuinely enjoy it. I know it's the normal in your circle but I'm amazed you were going to be paying for everything when you're on a limited budget. Yup might as well embrace that you can spend less now but with people who will value it more.
Maybe think of something else lovely you could do just for you with the money saved - would you enjoy a massage/ new haircut/ facial etc? I treated myself to a ring for my 40th as a way of reminding myself that I am woop 40, not sad face 40, and that I deserve the best.

Why would they be hurt? I genuinely can’t see why they would be hurt, they know this is not my thing at all. Would you organise a meat feast for a vegetarian? The weekend away doesn’t feel like it’s got anything to do with my birthday.

Step away from WhatsApp OP! Good friends for over 10 years! Stop sending messages and just wait for them to reply! Hopefully you’ll get some more enthusiastic responses. Please don’t cancel, it will end the friendship and it would be horrible to regret that.