I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

I picture your brother as Clint Eastwood, a silhouette in the door frame growling his line as he hands over the bag.

Perfect, and you've short circuited the tedious lying, gaslighting, 'you're crazy' routine so many have to cope with. Straight to the point.

You already know though that he isn't innocent & he knows that you know.

There's not really anything else that needs saying about that.

Perhaps better for you not to be thrashing out the whys & wherefores.

Did you confront him about this other woman and the messages ?

Interesting she never said a word about spilling the beans

I'm sure his mummy can ring him at work to check he's coping . The only contact op and her family need is to ask when he's coming to pick up his belongings, the rest goes through the solicitors.

Provided you keep dated records of what you've done there is nothing wrong with doing so. You are protecting your interests, not refusing to pay anything that is owed when all is settled. Or refusing to pay bills that are due.

I would clear the joint account as you will soon have responsibility for two children and absolutely no evidence he will prioritise them. In fact, his behaviour demonstrates the exact opposite. You will be doing it for them and you need to do it before he does. Well done for valuing yourself this much so far. Sending a big hug.

@Waffletots you have kept your dignity. Honestly, you’ve not ranted or raved even about the OW. God, my head would be constant ‘what ifs’. I would want to ask her more questions - especially ‘what made you decide to tell me or was it a plan you cooked up together?’ She started the conversation and you have the right to continue or end it as you see fit. So glad you had your brother and family for support. Do as others have suggested and check finance/get everything straight but beyond that, literally one step, one hour, one day at a time. You will get through it, it will be hard but my goodness you made the biggest first step already. You are honestly amazing.

OP when are your bills due?
If your joint account only covers bills like mortgage etc then do not default!

Your bills still need to be paid and you both need to work out logistics of paying them. For now until you can assess and get stock of things keep it where it is unless you think he's going to take the lot out. You are both still liable for them all at the moment it will effect you both if you default.

You can start moving bills over to yourself but it's going to need whoever is on the account to do so which is the added complexity. I would say you have enough on your plate at this very moment in time. It needs to be sorted but probably not today xxx

Don't be. He wasn't nervous to start an affair, encourage you to get pregnant and have a second child, while he pulled the wool over your eyes and created a second identity behind your back all whilst playing happy families

Take the money out for your children - it isn't for you, it's for them. Don't feel bad for a second. If he wants any money back, he can contact you and ask, can't he? If he thinks you should have it (which I do, and others do) then he won't say anything.

Think of your children and yourself and do it before he does.

He is a custard of the highest order indeed! 😉

You on the other hand are handling this like an absolute Queen! You and your little ones are going to be just fine in the end, I know it.

I feel for you so much and I'd like to help you. I've been through similar and I have children as well.

You have handled this perfectly and huge shout out to your brother who totally has your back and huge emotional intelligence to offer to tell people so you don't have to.

Your husband is showing his real character even more that he's not asked about his child or unborn baby.

You will be on a wave of adrenaline and support but be aware that a crash may come later along with sadness at the reality of what has happened, what is happening now and what the future will now be. Don't rush to get over or past anything. Take the time you need.

I am 16 months on since we split and four months since we divorced but my now ex h continues to do things that is causing me immense pain. It is a long process so just be aware.

I truly wish I'd posted when what happened to me happened but I chose to stay then and to be honest didn't want a million LTB, you're a fool for staying etc comments. The women on here are mostly incredible and there will always be someone to help with practical advice, emotional support and things to fantasise about doing to him that will make you laugh. If it comes, take advantage of his guilt to get as much out of him as you can but the reality is, finances, housing, access to their father will all be decided by a Judge. But if he'll give you stuff now, take it.

No, I wouldn’t take money out of the joint bills account, that would be foolish.

Do you have any joint savings?

Agree with PP re CMS claim.

I’m proud of you OP. You have handled this beautifully and if I were in your situation I could only hope to handle it with an ounce of the dignity that you have displayed here. The next few weeks are going to be rough but you have a great support system around you, a few hundred of us here and the worst part is over now.

On the contrary, it would only be foolish if she could 100% trust him to carry on paying the bills. Obviously she can't. So she needs to take the money out and open her own bill-paying account. If he wants to do his duty and carry on paying, then he can pay it to her.

Bloody hell what a weapons grade bellend. Utterly callous. I can't actually believe he hasn't contacted you. Am furious on your behalf.

You are doing great by the way. Sending strength to you

If he doesn't turn up to work today his workplace will try to find him. The OP doesn't need to worry about him.

I'd be inclined to take the OW at her word.

She thought he was genuinely separated, but still sorting out admin (such as selling the house) and will have been lied to about how awful and obstructive the wife is being as the reasons for delay. That line is also why it has to be kept away from family and most friends, until the "sale" has gone through. He wasn't thinking about long term sustainability, just keeping the OW plate spinning.

And then by chance she found out and is horrified.

She's not necessarily acting out of malice or desire to break up the marriage. It is also possible that she's the only one in this sorry mess who believes that, no matter how horrible, the OP deserves to know the truth and make her own decisions about what she wants in her life going forwards.

OP: take the time you need to process this. Get your DDad to help you find a holding pattern for admin and finance as you say he's good at that. Try to avoid taking the big decisions until after you have had time to come to terms with this a little more, and definitely until wait until you are fully recovered from the birth.

@Blondeshavemorefun I am going to adopt Keep strong and be full of courgette as my personal motto — there’s something rather lovely about it!

@Waffletots, I have nothing useful to add but wanted to say (in no particular order): I’m sorry; he’s a shit; none of this is on you (you said a few times you must have missed the signs etc — but nope; he’s just a lying, cheating dick); and your children are very lucky to have such an amazing mum. Also, be kind to yourself. Lots of people on here saying how brilliant and strong you are (and you are!) but please know it’s also okay (normal in fact) to have days where you don’t feel like being strong at all and just want to hide under the covers and cry. (Obviously at 38 weeks pregnant you might not get much chance to do that…)
I don’t know you but am sending love — and courgette.

God I'm so glad to hear you have such a supportive family. You sound lovely. Your DB/SIL sticking by your side at the crucial moment and your parents will be there too, helping with emotional and financial support.

You'll get such good advice from people on here. I wouldn't withdraw funds from your joint account though, if this is purely used to pay household bills. But if there are any joint savings, make sure you withdraw half of that. Engage a solicitor ASAP.

Time and time again, on here, we read these life stories and how the men start off apologetic and agree to anything to alleviate their guilt but in time, this all changes to venom, vitriol and they re-write history so prepare yourself OP. Your 'D'H will turn into someone you don't recognise at all.

My heart goes out to you, to your child and to your 'bump'. Never a good time to find this out but 3 weeks before xmas?! christ. Keep us posted on how you get on. You will recover from this. (your husband is such a piece of shit)

Thinking of you today 💐

Oh op, my heart is literally aching for you, but I have to say, you’re an absolute Queen!!
your strength in kicking him straight out is mind blowing. It also gives me complete faith that however much pain you’re in right now, you will fight this like warrior and eventually come out smiling.
All the love and hugs in the world to you, you absolute bloody goddess!

She is not feeling guilty..she forced his hand here to pick her. He won't though, he never had intention of leaving the OP, he was just as most guys - playing around hoping that the OW is onboard...
I know it's a controversial thought - but many women on this thread are in the same situation as the OP, with a difference that the OW is not loosing her patience just yet.
This is much more common than people like to admit, I am talking as someone who is working in a male dominated industry and get to see a lot... Many wives just never find out and just keep living their happy lives and many men do eventually grow up and come to their senses.

I knew one 'other woman' at work who did exactly this to a pregnant wife of her lover. She felt he was loosing interest and she decided to make his wife dump him. Her half developed brain was absolutely sure he will come crying and running to her.
She did not text the wife herself, but instead asked a friend to play a role of a worried colleague offering crying shoulder to the poor wife - you know, the woman solidarity and similar fairy tales...
The guy knew immediately who was behind the messages to his wife.
Horrible story all in all, but it was satisfying watching the OW sulking around the office because the guy never spoke a single word to her ever again.
He did lose his family ofcourse, divorced and all, fully regretted the entire experience...
Oh well

I wouldn't do this if it's just money to pay the bills on the house. It may safeguard this month, but what about next month? If you take the money then maybe he won't put any more in?

She just needs to say she's looking after the bills and he can pay his monthly contribution to her.