I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

How cynical are you?? Protest much?

A lot of us have been where OP currently is. I actually lay awake thinking about OP last night, sending her positive thoughts. I'm assuming you're not an empath.

Your post says more about you than the community of supportive women here.

I’m astounded that he hasn’t even messaged his 38 week pregnant wife, who has just had her whole life shattered, to check she’s ok and the trauma hasn’t sent her into labour.

He has to be an absolutely heartless selfish twat.

Whatever happens in the future, when he comes back in tears promising this and that - remember this is the man that not only cheated on his pregnant wife, he also buggered off without even a sorry or to check in with you that you were ok. It’s unforgivable in my opinion.

I am so sorry OP and I'd just like to say your strength and courage is awesome. Your babies have a mum to be very proud of.

I would transfer half of your joint savings into an account of your own but I would inform him and take screen shots before and after. Send those to him. Keep it factual and transactional.

Op
You're absolutley amazing. I know you don't feel that way yet but you will look back at this time and at least feel proud of the classy way you conducted yourself.
Him on the other hand- I have no words . To plan another baby with your wife while having a long term affair is something so depraved that I can hardly get my head around it even after being on Mumsnet for years. How do they slip from one bed to another , to go home to the trusting little face of their toddler after shagging someone else. To fake Xmas and birthday occasions as a happy family. I will honestly never understand it. Is there just something missing in these people?

I can’t believe he hasn’t even messaged you. Just sums him up

Just wanted to say, OP, you are so full of courgette and are properly awesome.
I am so glad you have brilliant family support around you - they too, sound awesome.

Your despicable ‘husband’, however, is an utter, utter custard.

Sending you love and strength.

Oh my gosh OP. I admire you so much for your courage and determination! You've got this my lovely 🌹

Thinking of you. Hope you've the strength to get through this x

Sorry, had to laugh! (Good humoured of course) Courgette? I think you meant courage?? Bloody autocorrect!

There's not a lot he can say really that won't be BS platitudes or deflecting blame - non of which you need to hear.
I doubt he's run to OW, given how open with info she's been, she's probably very angry about all his lies too. She would of known that she was done when she told you. Dickwad will know she's told all, so he has no legs to stand on ( shame that's figurative really). What can he say, banged to rights and in blind panic of being found out.
Down the line, I expect the best he will come up with is its his poor childhood, he has poor MH, poor me etc. Hopefully, there will be a sorry at least. Sounds like he'd have a hard job rewriting history as your relationship sounds like it was going well. So what you now know, is that if he's a man who will do this when things are going well, he certainly can't be relied upon during tough times. If not now, he would of always been a risk and certainly is a high risk bet in future.
Silence is probably better at this point to cope with, anything he'd say would seem hollow, it's indefensible.
In days to come, hopefully, it will be about co-parenting in the future as best as he can - though his poor childhood experiences may affect how he delivers on that.
Meanwhile, he gets to not be the 2nd after you to hold his new baby - maybe not even top 5 or 10. His loss, he deserves to be hating on himself right now for what he's done

Is there any chance he got the other woman to contact you because he was too gutless? This way you left him, not the other way around. Either way you are better off without him. I hope the ow has kept away too.

Cyprus too!! We are a force to be reckoned with..men have nooo idea

Continuing to wish you well OP. What a horrible shock.

Empty the account before he does. He has no morals or ethics so I would not rely on him not to empty it.

What's there to say, he's got off pretty lightly, he has just driven off without taking any responsibility, ow has done his dirty work for him

I've read a lot of posts about financial issues, and I'd really advise to make an appointment with a family law solicitor soon. The timing is horrible due to your pregnancy and Christmas but if you are sure this is the end of the marriage, strike hard asap.

Men like your husband will 1. try to gaslight you to get his family life back, and 2. fight you every step of the way to get him the best financial result once he realises you are gone. If it means lying (something he's used to), or appeal to your better nature because it's in the benefit of the children, or directly threatened you and children financially, he'll do it.

I know this has hit you like a runaway train, but try to be practical as much as you can. The sooner you talk with a family law solicitor, the better to focus what to expect financially in the future and prepare.

Tea spat out!!

You’ve handled this amazingly. What an amazing example you are to your children, they’re lucky to have you @Waffletots

I suspect he will be absolutely raging with the OW for (in his mind) blowing his life up when he never had any intention of leaving you. I don’t think there will be any happy after for them - he will be away working out how he can get his life back and realising what everyone will now think of him, it won’t seem very exciting anymore I’m sure

Thinking of you! As pps have said the silence is deafening, I'm actually staggered he didnt even try to contact you. Not that you'd want him to but knowing how close you are to your due date and the hurt he's caused. Sounds like you've got some great support around you which is a blessing. Stay strong, you've got this!

I agree with a pp that three weeks before Christmas is crap.

Maybe better than looking back on a fake Christmas?

She’s right through. The thread yesterday was full of people posting to ask for an update, one poster even described the thread as “exciting”. The messages of support were lost in all the comments of “any update?”

It isn’t a soap opera. Many of us have been where the OP is and can offer support without feeling entitled to know what happens next.

Echoing other pp’s, your strength and dignity are just awesome @Waffletots . When the shock begins to wear off, and if you begin to have a wobble think back to your initial reaction - being brave and decisive; hold on to that and build your self belief and confidence from this.

I’m actually not surprised he’s said nothing, he didn’t challenge your brother, didn’t attempt to speak to you when he was at your house. His initial reaction was telling. He’s been absolutely outed, and there’s nothing he could really say or do with your family there.

It might help to be prepared for if he does contact you, what you want to say to him? But also be prepared that he simply might not contact you.

Is he normally conflict averse and avoidant? If so, he may literally just run away. I’d brace myself for a further feeling of abandonment if this happens. But know that’s on him and his cowardice, and weakness.

Alternatively, is he normally quite calculating (perhaps not with you but other areas of his life)? Would you expect him to be off plotting?

I’m asking these things because it might help you plan what you do next.

Know this is ALL about him. There’s nothing you could have done to change what has happened, he did this. Don’t waste energy beating yourself up. Put that energy into looking after yourself ❤️ And hold tight to your amazing parents and family!

@Waffletots I bet the OW engineered this.
She wasn’t thinking of you and the children, that’s for sure.

I expect he’s there and she’s pleased as punch .

Morals of an alley cat, both of them.

It’s so often when Christmas looms as well that their hand is forced by OW.

It’s par for the course that he’s being silent.

Christmas - so cowardly.

Only take money from the joint account if you can simultaneously ensure all bill payments get moved to your account. Otherwise you're risking bills not being paid and I doubt you'll be on top of checking this in a couple of weeks when in labour/looking after a newborn.

Sorry you're in this situation