I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Just caught up on the two threads, what an absolutely horrendous 24 hours you have had. It sounds like you have managed this with dignity and grace and I am in awe of your strength in the situation.
Your family sounds amazing also, how lovely to have such a supportive brother, sister in law and parents.
I am a little surprised that ex hasn't been in touch, but what could he say in all honesty? He knows there is no going back and I hope he feels like an absolute prick for letting his ego get in the way of the family life he seemingly wanted.

There is loads of support here for you OP.

Many years ago my bil did this to my sil (DH’s sister). Trust me when I say no one saw it coming and she is no fool. Honestly he was the absolute last person I imagined doing that. She kicked him out straight away and we saw him again a couple of weeks later when he was seeing their son who was about 2 at the time and he looked shattered. It never lasted with the OW and my nephew is now 17 and the most amazing young man.

@Waffletots you last post on thread says it all

My husband arrived home, I had sent him the messages whilst he was outside as I planned, he did read them and sat in the car for a good ten minutes after opening them, I didn’t see him as I didn’t want to but my brother was giving me a running commentary from the window. As soon as he got out of the car my brother took him the bag, I didn’t want him in the house or to look at his stupid, lying, cheating face. He didn’t protest and drove off after another few minutes. I haven’t heard a word from him since. No messages, no calls. Nothing. This actually helps me to process it, I think I’ve had enough bull shit for one day. Maybe this is what they both wanted?

If he was innocent he would have tried to fight for or say something

Instead he just drives away and no contact

You and your dd and baby to be deserve more

I'm glad you have huge brother and parents around to support you

Keep strong and be full of courgette 💐💐

Oh ffs. Courage @Waffletots not courgette

On app. Can't edit x

Like many previous posters, I read your first thread and just wanted to add my support.

I have no advice to offer, but your swift action, resolve and dignity are truly impressive.

It sounds like you have a fantastic family and I hope that they can help create a peaceful little bubble for you and DC to enjoy the arrival of your baby/new sibling over Christmas.

I agree you should talk to your midwife about your change in circumstances. They will want to support you and give you extra TLC during the birth and postnatally and it will help them to understand if you are emotional and upset outside of the usual they see during the birth and early days, they won't just assume its the baby blues on day 2/3 etc and can direct their support more effectively. Midwives want the very best for you and your baby and will be there to hold a safe nurturing space for you.

This

Good luck OP. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Take care of yourself and your babies, that's all that matters right now. 💐 x

Well done OP and your brother sounds amazing. It's good to know you have a very supportive family IRL.

Please speak to your midwife in case you need to update your birth plan around who can/cannot be present.

I feel very sorry for you, this is a horrible thing to be going through.

Something I would advise you to do now is to get in touch with a solicitor.

You can find a suitable one in the area via the Law Society database.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

See one this week to begin putting everything into place.

I agree with an earlier poster who suggested paying bills in advance, as that is a legitimate use of the bank funds. Also, it means that in the initial weeks after baby 2's birth, you won't be worrying about whether you have forgotten to pay the gas bill. Pay as far in advance as you have money for.

I would also suggest having a family member or two stay in the house while you are in the hospital to prevent him from entering and taking away anything you don't want him to. In fact, remove anything of importance or value to your parents' home for the interim, such as paperwork, photos, etc.

Sending you strength and best wishes at this truly heartbreaking time for you.

I hope your parents help you today in whatever way they can to help you navigate your way through the next few days.

Goodness me. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Just before Christmas too! One day you will look back on this time with pride that you did what many people are unable to do. 💐

What a piece of shit. His silence says a lot. You and your children deserve way better. You’ve handled it perfectly and stayed a lot calmer than I could have. Well done OP.

@Waffletots I don’t have anything other my support and admiration to offer. Every new child brings with them a new chapter. This might not be starting the way you envisaged, but with the support you so clearly have around you, I have a feeling you’re going to be fine. That’s not in any way to diminish the utter upending you’re dealing with right now. It’s truly awful when someone who we trust completely lets us down so very unexpectedly and in such achingly disappointing ways. That I can relate to. But you and your beautiful DCs will ultimately get to a good place. You clearly know your own worth, and that’s a brilliant thing to see. I think when we’re carrying the next generation we become something incredibly strong and sure as hell not to be messed with. I wish you all the very best for what lies ahead x

You've been so strong and 3 steps ahead of him, leaving now space to gaslight you. Getting your brother to hand him the bag was spot on - he knows you have support and can't mess with you any further.

He will likely not apologise because it's the only shred of pride he has left.
Your family sound really awesome and your brother dud great for staying calm.

If the joint account is just for paying bills leave the money in there, no point moving it.

Get a screen shot or download a statement, so you know how much is in there. Do the same with any accounts that you have access to and ideally a copy of pension puts. Just save them for now, to use in future.

How long is your mat leave?

@Waffletots try and get your money into cash! easier to hide it from him!!! he has shown his true colours right enough. SHITTY BROWN!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this, heavily pregnant and with Christmas looming. I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing and incredibly dignified. Stand firm, your child and soon to be new baby are lucky to have someone so strong, putting them first and foremost.

It’s your husband’s loss and I’m very sure it won’t take long for the excitement to wear off and he’ll realise the grass isn’t greener. What a fool 💐 xxx

Is that worth taking the money out but drip
feeding it back so that the bills are always covered? That way he can’t empty it and leave you with no money to pay the bills.
Do you think he will at least be honourable enough to continue to pay his share?

Strength and best wishes, @Waffletots. Do tell your midwife, so the team can best support you.

Also, I'd echo the suggestion to make contact with a family law solicitor. Family lawyers are always in increased demand after Christmas, sadly. It would be helpful to be on the list for a consultation sooner rather than later. That doesn't mean you need to see someone immediately, simply that you have the connection made for the time when you are ready.

Sending support to be banked for when you need it.

You are a warrior OP. Hold your nerve. Life will be so much better now you have the truth and can move forward without a liar as your 'partner'. Much love to you and the children.

This is an unnecessary post. Why add to her stress. She needs to focus on herself and her children.

What about him checking in on her that she isn’t tempted to do something extreme?? She’s the one who’s had her whole life turned upside down by his actions. Making her responsible for his state of mind is not on - she has her own priorities.