I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

I didn't sleep too well last night and thought of you often when I was awake.
It sounds like you've got a good support network around you so remember to use them, for anything and everything you need.

He sounds like a fucking dick and I hope he gets knob rot and the fucking thing falls off leaving a gaping open wound for the rest of his life!!

I'm sure right up until a couple of days ago you wouldnt have described him the way I just have, he was the man you loved and life was good. Apart from having a toddler and a newborn, that perception you had of him and to what he's been doing for a year and not the man you knew will scramble your brain but always remember that he's now shown you exactly who he is, you deserve better, you deserve more. I'll be thinking of you x

You're doing so well, @Waffletots. You are a warrior! I only hope that I could muster the same self-worth if I was ever in the same position. You are being the most amazing role model for your daughter. Losing you will be the most catastrophic mistake of your husband's life and he will come to realise that.

See a solicitor before you do anything regarding joint bank accounts.

Well done. You’ve done a great job of looking after yourself and your kids through a horrific experience - and I’m so glad you have your family to support you. Keep being strong - you can be a great parent for both your children and be what they need. For what it’s worth, i have a 17 month year old and a 1 month year old and have had them by myself on purpose - some aspects are tricky of but it is also very freeing in other ways. You will be able to give them a wonderful caring home no matter what happens with their father.

As others have said he hasn't been in touch because there's not a lot he can say really is there. You caught him bang to rights. However he will at some point, have plenty to say particularly in regard to finances so it may be best to get some legal advice early on.

Well done for not playing the pick me dance. I did and it just prolonged the agony of it all. I can’t imagine having to go through all this whilst about to have a baby. I haven’t read through everyone’s messages (just yours) but it can be like the stages of grief after something like this. Be kind to yourself OP and I am pleased you have supportive family.

I wouldn't take the bill money out of the joint account. You need to reach a legal agreement about how that will work. I would advise speaking to a solicitor ASAP but due to how pregnant you are I would wait until your feeling up to it. Can someone speak to him on your behalf around a plan for the next few weeks in terms of making sure your both paying bills, access to your 3 year old, Xmas and living arrangements? If you have joint savings then take tour half out of that

Only 2 reasons could be for radio silence either he is finding out exactly what you know (realising there is no backing out) and / or holding out for you to contact him to get the upper hand.
Once he realises you have support & don’t need him Expect waves of emotion heading your way denial & minimising / pity / remorse / anger / emotional blackmail 🤬

Tempting though it is, I would get the advice of an experienced solicitor first. Could you get an urgent appointment, perhaps with help from your family?

Oh sweetheart you are one strong lady ! And you handled it all like a champ ! These next few weeks/days once the dust settles and it finally sinks in and shock wears off you will feel it so please lean in to your family as much as possible. take all the help offered especially child care. Sleep when needed look after yourself, mind body and soul, let the emotions flow and don’t bottle anything up , be kind to yourself too and remember none of this is your fault and any feelings you have about this like I said on my last post hand them right back to him because any shame or embarrassment belongs solely to him alone ! Sending so much love as you transition into your new phase of life and good luck with the birth of the new baby and I hope you have as good a Christmas as can be with your littles 💜
that dicknose has shown his guilt by his own silence if he really wasn’t guilty he would be begging and pleading his case but I’m glad he’s left you alone to process it all 💐

He is trying to figure out what story to spin to get out of himself out of this pickle as he sees it.
He can't deny or minimise. The way you managed last night means grovelling is unlikely to work although I would prepare for it.
My money would be on him staying away for a few days and coming back as a "broken man" who can't bare that his actions are going to break up your perfect family. He will come over emotionally vulnerable

My sister's ex was emotionally abusive and controlling. This was the tact he took when she left him. He got signed off sick as he was utterly broken by the idea of him being abusive and breaking up is family as a result. It was mostly a ploy to regain control and genuine upset that his game plan had failed.

Keep an eye on the joint account. Go through and make a list of what bills go out on which day. Take any surplus but check the account before any bills are due to go out. My sister's ex had full control of their joint finances. From the time they split up he stopped paying bills. She had to pay off the overdue bills as part of the divorce to get a clean break with the finances

Take the lot out of the joint account and then call your bill providers to change over to your bank details. Contact a solicitor pronto.

Don't empty your joint account, the last thing you need is stress about unpaid bills. The ow forced his hand, he's lied to everyone and doesn't deserve any sympathy or understanding. Maybe your family can stay in the house with you for a while, if that's what you'd lime. You have an amazing family who will always look after you and your precious children xxx

You deserve better than him! You trusted him because you believed in him and your relationship, he cheated because he is a bastard. Please don’t take any of his actions and try to pin it on you, it wasn’t because you were too trusting or lacking in any way, this all on him. He will do this to everyone he meets in the future too because he is a cunt.
sending you hugs x

Speak to your midwife they may be able to help you with getting in touch with someone who can give you benefits advice

Have you tried to speak to him or contact him? I think he owes you an explanation at the very least. Find out where his head has been at.

You are being very brave and strong, hope it all goes well with the birth

Oh my goodness, I've just read your story and now horrible for you, the dirty stinking rat. I've glad you've got such a supportive family.

What does this other women get out of telling you, other than she feels guilty? Hopefully she'll dump him too. Take care of yourself and baby.

He was in shock. He's been cheating and lying for so long he felt safe by thinking it would not affect his marriage to you or his children. Being confronted by your text with your brother waiting for him, it's the kind of bolt he was not expecting and didn't know how to react to.

In the next few days, when the shock wears off, he'll find plenty of excuses, minimisation and justifications why he's just a victim of x,y.z. Be prepared to be gaslighted. He'll try rewriting history and turning his cheating/lying on you.

It won't be easy in the near future, OP. You have the birth of your baby happening soon and men like your husband don't make responsible choices for their families, or admit their shitty behaviour to make a clean break. Fortunately, you have strength of character and a robust family support behind you.

Prepare for the worst and don't expect the best from him. It sounds awful when you were happy just a few days ago, but get emotionally ready.

I agree you need to protect the assets.

You have evidence he is a lying self serving manipulator, despite what you thought he was. Put nothing past him, now the mask has slipped and the stranger is revealed.

In addition to trying to save his reputation, he will be trying to come out with as much advantage as possible, including financial.

The joint account contains the ability to pay the bills. I would say taking half out of it to protect it from being emptied would be the pragmatic approach.

Then maybe start a separate account for it, purely for bills.

And see a solicitor. You and your children have rights, and he has responsibilities.

He will probably start shouting he wants 50/50 re the children. This is generally done as a poke to a woman's most vulnerable fears rather than fatherly concern.

If he's going to her, she will not be wanting another woman's children in her home, taking his interest and attention.

If he has to find somewhere for himself, he'll soon find young children are cramping his style. And may not be able to afford somewhere suitable.

But get legal and financial advice. Hopefully Dad can arrange that.

Tell your midwife and the rest of the team. If you understandably don't want him there - tell them. The only person who has the right to be there is you. And they have heard and seen EVERYTHING. Sounds like your brilliant family are stepping up there, too.

Make sure his parents / siblings know exactly what he has done, from your point of view. His take on the tale will be a very different colour and they may fall for it. They will probably support him as they don't want to lose touch with the children.

And because I have a nasty streak, I'd suggest messaging his line manager, explaining the situation, and naming her.
He will be frantically peddling to save his reputation there, too. He will of course be needing LM support in what is going to become a very stressful time for him, so it would be only kind ...

Yes. Talk to your midwife and the maternity unit where you plan to give birth, as soon as you can. Check your rights about whether he can be refused admittance to the birth or to see you both afterwards, if that is what you want.

Get your brother to tell him asap that you don’t want him at the birth, or to see him afterwards (if that is the case). Second births are often a bit early so you might go into labour any time now, especially after you’ve had such a huge shock.

Agreed!
Truly sorry for what you are going through, OP, but you are clearly already the winner in this mess your husband caused (I understand it may not feel like it right now, but you'll be walking away with so much more than him). 💞

Silence is the loudest. I'm so proud of you. Being also a mum of two young children who was cheated on throughout (i found out after birth at 6 DPP) I am so proud of you.
there is life beyond. I'm actually so teary reading your posts but so proud of you. I'm so pleased you have the support you have. I had no one but I'm thriving now so imagine what the future has in store for you?

This!

Op maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships as it's usually a bit gentler there than AIBU and there are lots of posters who hang out there who will be supportive and knowledgeable.

As for raiding the joint account ... I guess it depends on how much 'extra' money is in there. If it's only enough to cover the bills each month, then leave it alone. If there is a lot of excess, perhaps take that, or half. Don't leave yourself with having to manage to transfer money in all the time to pay bills. You can't be doing that with a newborn.

Your family sound fab!

OP is under no obligation to share photos of her baby (!), or indeed to update this thread. OP I think you've had some great advice here, but please know that this thread is / should be for your benefit not the benefit of MN readers

It's great that you have family support. You will get through this

Re bank account / bills, I wonder if you could make an advance payment of the mortgage / bills for 3 months, so you know these are covered, and then withdraw the remaining 50%? But this will depend how much is in the account. Your Dad may have good advice too

Agree with PP, if you can negotiate financials with STBX as quickly as possible, while he's feeling guilty, this could work to your advantage. But of course you may not feel you can handle that right now. And that's OK. Take one day at a time

I made an account just so I could comment on your thread.

I know you’ve had loads of supportive replies and good advice but I just couldn’t not be another one to admire you.

I am absolutely in AWE of you and your strength, I really have no words to describe just quite how much. I hope I raise my children to have the strength you do. I am so incredibly proud (even though I don’t even know you!) of how you’ve handled this.

I only have one bit of advice to you and that is keep your head held high - don’t engage in any gossip/tit for tat/games
I tried to wait at least a day before I replied to any messages/contact so I could be sure I’d have a more measured reply rather than what I might say in a hurry/upset/anger. Keep things factual. Your child and bump are so incredibly lucky. Never doubt for a second that you have done the very best thing for them, and you, despite what anyone says.

Sending you loads of strength. I hope everything works out for you and good luck with your birth.