I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Just like to say, hope all goes well today.

Oh, op, I've been thinking about you a lot since yesterday. I just don't understand how your husband could do this to you. To be fair, he probably does want the baby, family etc, he was just enjoying a bit on the side as well. Similar, happened to my MIL. She was alone giving birth to her second dc after her husband had an affair. She was fine she brought her dc up and met someone else and has been happily married for over 20 years. It's the ex that missed out. I think the next few days will be hard, but I wish you all the luck with dc2.

I'm absolutely disgusted he hasnt even contacted you to apologise or anything when you are heavily pregnant with his child. So sorry you're going through this but glad you have such a supportive family around you.

OP, you are awesome.

You have pressing things to worry about, like your little one's imminent arrival.

Let your father take care of the discussions with the solicitors and going through the house for any evidence of his assets. Good job he was not allowed to come back to the house to dispose of paperwork. Sadly, it is best to get your ducks in a row, just in case.

The reason you should take it out of the account is to stop him taking it and leaving you with no money to pay the bills.

So screenshot how much is in there. Move it to a separate account in your name. Eventually move the bills to the new account. While you're waiting for that to be sorted out, put enough money back in the joint account to pay each bill the night before the direct debit comes out.

You can give him the new account details so he can pay his share of his responsibilities.

Do not just raid the joint account. It will help no-one if bills are not paid.

I am staggered by this man....what an utter tool. I suspect he is feeling truly sorry this morning with his new partner having pressed the nuclear button which he did not expect nor want. Stay strong. You are doing amazing and will be utterly fine without this "man".

@Waffletots - Call a family solicitor for a quick initial telephone consultation, or post your question and concerns in LEGAL MATTERS here at Mumsnet.

• look at family solicitor websites in your jurisdiction - many have lots of useful information
• collect all financial documentation, including tax returns, salary slips and pension statements.
• check out Wikivorce
• read Divorce for Dummies or similar

YES. Very good advice. You have to protect yourself.

You’re doing great OP - I’m so
glad you’ve got a good support system.

You’ve been given a lot of good advice already but I just wanted to add that you might want to prepare yourself for when the initial shock and anger fades. I’d recommend researching how the grief model applies to affairs. I’d also look into hysterical bonding (the urge to reconnect and have sex with a cheating partner - sadly I can vouch that it’s very real).

Once the initial anger fades it’s likely that you’ll find yourself with a lot of conflicting emotions about him and your situation. This is completely normal - even more so because you’re pregnant. Don’t judge yourself if you have doubts or regrets but don’t let him take advantage of those feelings either.

This betrayal is going to take years for you to process so take your time, take strength from all of us and those around you and figure out what’s going to be best for you and your children.

I agree.

Play your cards close to your chest. If you can possibly leave (lose) the money in the joint account, I would not touch that for now until the dust settles.

If you take half out, it is a clear sign you want a divorce. He will then start to hide his assets accordingly. Don't cross that bridge until you need to.

Sending hugs op.

Also, get a solicitor app. Asap. Protect yourself and your kids as a priority

He has absolutely no shame does he, and not an ounce of care. He’s shuffled off without a word like a coward.

Thinking of you 🤗

And how will they be paid if he empties the account. That's what happened to a relative of mine.

OP

I have just read through your other post.

You are stronger than you know. You have good family support and you can do this.

The OW has done you a favour, whether intentional or not.

You're handling this like a boss! I have every respect for you. So proud of you actually which seems silly since we've never met. But it's empowering to know that as a community, we helped you through the beginning of this tough time and now we are all here to help you through the rest. Love to you and your kids xx

OP if you are in the house still then absolutely take the lot as you'll need those for the bills anyway

If he's now going to have his own bills to pay he might drain the joint account for that?

If you move some money I'd use it just for house bills & keep proof that you have done so.

Thinking of you, I hope the chat with your parents goes as well as it can this morning. It sounds like you have great family around you x

You need to make sure the house and your child are paid for. You don't want him to take the money first.

Contact Citizens Advice for free initial advice OP, they can provide a list of local family law solicitors. Then do a google and find one that offers a free initial consultation. Ask around for recommendations, you need a good solicitor here. Mine was expensive, but worth her weight in gold, I got a far better deal than I could have imagined.
Someone suggested changing the locks, don’t do this, he has access to the home.
Leave enough money in the account to cover bills and take half of what’s left.
Claim Child Maintenance today, really important, you can claim immediately. Get it paid into an account in your name.

I just read both threads. What a prick!!!!

You sound so strong to get him out straight away before he could try and minimise things or make you think like you're mad.

What a thing to do when you are pregnant, or well anytime. It sounds like you have really good family support there lean into them and let them surround you.

I just wanted to say, OP how utterly in awe I am of your strength, grace and dignity throughout this awful time. You said earlier that you felt silly for not realising what he was up to; please don't. You embarked on this marriage in good faith which is the only way to do it. His despicable behaviour is 100% on him. You will come out of this stronger and happier and no doubt he will be plagued with regret at what he's lost. Take one day at a time and I am sending the biggest of hugs.

Try to get legal advice and get ahead as far as possible before your baby is born. I’m so sorry he’s done this, sending love and strength. You are amazing, the way you’ve handled this so far.

What a complete lowlife he is. So glad your family will scoop you up and help. Please try to rest later on and get some sleep.

I can’t believe he hasn’t been in touch, weeping and wailing, pleading with you, telling you that the other woman forced him into cheating, and that he’s going to change his ways.

I wonder if he’s with her now? What a scummy excuse for a man.