I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Oh yes, the selfish narcissistic OW probably had a fit of jealous rage learning that OP is pregnant.

OW has probably been told that the husband never has sex with his wife ( that old lie) and OW being spiteful wanted to hurt Op and her family as much as possible .

I once worked with a serial “ Mistress”
she never had a single nice thing to say about the husband’s wives.

She said she liked the power- but also hated being alone at Christmas when the man was with his wife and kids.

It’s a shit way to live.
She had an affair with a local GP - His absence “ on call” were spent with her.

She definitely didn’t feel guilt.
She had teen kids at the time.

My close friend's husband was a 40-something paediatrician when their kids were conceived and he had zero problems with her drinking beer or wine in the final trimester.

My own 98-pound mother in 1963 admitted to living her pregnancy on black coffee, toast and martinis as they were advised to not gain weight back then. I nay not be perfect but my IQ has been tested at 154 and I have seen a doctor maybe five times in adulthood. At 61, so far so good. A lot more spry than many.

Don't shame pregnant women for wanting a mild drink or few in late pregnancy.

So what if he suffered though? What's that supposed to mean or prove exactly?

I don't think that cheating is black or white either, but there are some situations where it is a lot closer to black and white, like when you cheat on your pregnant wife.

If he's not ready for the responsibilities of a dedicated relationship then perhaps he should have stayed single 🤔 Instead of marrying one woman, having babies with her, and then cheating with another woman and telling her they had a future together.

I don't believe for a second that this man didn't have the maturity to understand the consequences of his actions, no one is that stupid or immature.

With all due respect - you grow up :) fix the attitude and learn to respect different points of view. May come in handy. Or don't 🤷🏼‍♀️
On topic - if they want to be with someone else. Want to be with..want to - what exactly do you mean?
The guy didn't want to 'be with' the OW (hence her bitterness), he wanted to f*k her occasionally - yes. But the wanted to be with his wife, hence fooling behind her back. Many guys think that's ok as long as noone finds out unfortunately.

Do I agree that's ok - absolutely not
Do I personally think one should forgive - no, because I made that mistake myself
Would I judge someone for forgiving - also NO
Are there marriages going strong 20+ years post cheating episode - absolutely yes.
Are all men who cheated once incarnation of evil - no.
Is OP's husband incarnation of evil - I don't know. And neither do you. He may as well be. She knows - and she can make that judgement.

Under which rock are you living? If you are younger than 25 I can sort of understand your pink glasses, I could have written your post myself 20+ years ago...

Yes, the fact she was pregnant was what I also found the most disturbing. And no excuses.
As I am trying to point out - with no success so far - I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am saying that they end up suffering when they become aware of consequences of their actions. There is no hidden meaning behind that sentence - it's just factual. People are not robots.

Do I pity them - no.
Is my sentence still true that they are capable of feeling pain and suffering -yes.

And why would you assume that someone who has kids or a pregnant wife is mature by default? Is there some maturity test one needs to pass to be allowed to get married and have kids? Unfortunately no, all sorts of idiots run around being reckless and ruining their families, whole childhoods etc...it is a sad fact.

Did anyone say that they're not capable of feeling pain and suffering?

I don't necessarily think that they're mature enough to have kids or be married, but I don't think they're so lacking in immaturity that they don't understand the potential consequences of their actions. Absolutely everyone is aware that affairs can cause devastation. They might not have the emotional maturity or empathy to understand all of the feelings and trauma it can cause and the long term impact, but they still know that it can ruin relationships, lives and families and choose to go ahead anyway.

Read NHS advice. The whole article. Damage can take years to show

Not really. Firstly, she probably didn't know how far along OP was.
Secondly, even if she did, it's better that she knows now when she has a week or two to get her ducks in a row, rather than physically recovering from birth and juggling a newborn and a toddler.

What a fucking wanker.

Been thinking of you OP, what am unimaginable situation he's left you in a week before your due date. I'm so glad you've got a decent support network around you. I have no advice to offer but others on here have been brilliant and practical so listen to them x

Yeah sure.

Oh I know you can not unpick it. Hence the attitude.
"I have a long lifetime of experience" - good for you. At least you learned how to converse in public - patiently and with respect 🫣

Hope I can give you a hug @Waffletots

speaking from the children point of view...
I am a child whose father cheated and happened to conceive another child with another woman while my mum was just days after/from giving birth. My mum chose to stayed with father and so I endured years of family drama and trauma...
My biased view is that I do not believe the father of your children can bring happiness and stability to the family. Given he thought it's fine to cheat while you were taking care of a toddler and pregnant. keeping him will likely make him feel "trapped" by family, as this was probably one of the reasons he cheated..

If there's a move on for you and him, my biased opinion will be raising kids with his money (maintenance payment)- without his presence. Unless you think you can forgive him from the bottom of your heart someday or seeking serious family counseling, quarrels will certainly happen and you will be bringing this up from time to time. It will rub on the relationship. Not just you and him but also the children. A quality relationship in a family is always more important than quantity of members in a family. Please don't forget your children also want you to be happy. So, please be nice to yourself and make a choice that you feel happy with. A happy independent mum can also give children a loving family without a dad.

sending hugs and kisses

I've polluted this thread by engaging in direct arguments, and I apologise.
As I said, in the sea of messages of encouragement for the OP to dump the husband asap (he absolutely laid his bed), I just wanted to say that there is no shame in deciding to wait with the reaction and action if it is too much at this time- being heavily pregnant. And that there is no shame in forgiveness either, one needs to do what they feel is right in their heart.

Luckily the OP has tremendous support network and is a strong woman who can take on anything at any time it seems. Which is admirable. And wishing you all the best!

Just to second this @Waffletots

So glad that you have a wonderful family who are surrounding you with a ring of love and support.💖

As for a response to his one liner? Dignified total silence.

Your brother was totally dignified in how he handled that. And so are you. Take Care 💞You will get through this xx

A glass of wine or two at this stage of pregnancy will cause no harm whatsoever to the baby.

The kind of drinking associated with cases of FAS is not even in the same ballpark.

Dear OP,
Sorry this is late - literally and relatively - read through your posts and they left me so sad for you I can't sleep.
I am so sorry to have read through the situation that has fallen on you.
Couple of things - apologies if these have already occurred to you:

1. With regard to his message - the lack of any apology is stark. "...can we get past "this"" he is minimising already.

Not "I'm so sorry I <screwed up/panicked at feeling old/insert pathetic excuse> etc."

1. Text/call your MW and ask to be referred to your local perinatal mental health team. Most local health authorities have one. Not to sound like the sh¡te fairy, but I would imagine your likelihood of developing PND has just gone through the roof. Your local PN MH team can offer you free counselling (via Zoom if you aren't up to leaving the house in those early days) and/or medication and extra visits from the community nursing team (mine literally offered anything, from laundry to holding bubs whilst I slept, or playing with my older child).

1. Legal guardianship of your children, life insurance and a will. Your solicitor might go through all this with you when you see them, but if not, this is a reminder to ask. I know this might sound a bit extreme, but you need to arrange in writing the disposition of your estate and who looks after your LO(s) if anything happens during your delivery. Otherwise, as your spouse he would automatically assume guardianship and you have already mentioned supervised visitation (IIRC).

I know that sounds horrendous, and unthinkable right now, but I had to make similar arrangements at very short notice during my 2nd pregnancy at 36w (different reasons, but it helped knowing that people I didn't want in my life/children's lives couldn't get their hands on my children or my life insurance/pension/house should anything happen to me). You can set up a Trust for your children and have your brother/SIL/parents as trustees if need be.

1. This is a horrible, horrible thing to go through. Be kind to yourself, let others be kind. None of this was your fault.

There are circumstances, and there are choices. He made these choices, with every interaction with OW, with every lie he told you. This situation is the product of his choices, none of the blame is yours.

1. Your courage and dignity is humbling. You are amazing.

Huge hug x

Low risk is not the same as no risk. OP has made her decision .

There is no risk whatsoever of FAS from one glass of wine at any stage of pregnancy. At the OP's stage she could enjoy a glass each night and not worry.

Anyway. Let's not derail, eh?

@Waffletots you are just amazing. I hope he realises the magnitude of what he has done and what he has lost. I hope he regrets it for the rest of his life

Ask him. It’s the only way you’ll know. Then whatever the situation you will be able to move on. I wish you and your family the best. Be strong x

Totally off topic (almost) who is is going to snigger the next time they are in the supermarket and see the courgettes?

OP

His message? 'for the children'? How on earth would the children be better off with a cheating father?

I either wouldn't reply, or (and I know I have a vindictive streak) just text him the number for your local GUM clinic.

By him saying ‘can we get past this’ is him not owning up to his actions. If YOU want to move on from this, and if you have any chance going forward, for you and your children, he has to take accountability.

So glad you started a new thread you were on my mind. Looks like you’ll have to start a 3rd thread soon!
just wanted to say you’re awesome 🤩 you’re handling this awful situation so well I’m in awe! It’s a despicable thing that’s happened anyway but the fact that you’re 38 weeks pregnant is beyond dreadful, but you’re a rockstar!
You will be fine ❤️
Please keep us updated, particularly when that beautiful precious bundle arrives!

In other news my husband has sent me a single message which reads
“Can we get past this, for the children?”

That is so weak. Im so sorry. There isn't even a sorry or explanation.