I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

This has made me truly sad - I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It never ceases to amaze me that people can live like that and hurt someone like that while still sleeping with them and planning a future with them.

You are strong and I hope you know that even if it's hard and even if you're hurting, you will get through this. Be proud of yourself as a Mum because it sounds like you're a good one. Do not see this arsehole in your road and keep pushing forward.

You're amazing & he will soon realise what an idiot he is and what he has lost.
Your children have a bright future with such a dignified, loving mother. 💐

Big thumbs up to your lovely parents, brother & sil. ❤️

A decent person wouldn't have been having an affair with a married man.

One glass wouldn't do any harm ffs.

Plenty of mums to be have had way more alcohol than that during their pregnancy without causing harm - and no, I am not advocating it and I didn't drink during my own three pregnancies before anyone craps themselves, but this is an exceptional circumstance!

Unclench!

I meant that people here are quick shouting "don't you dare" as in "don't you dare forgive him".
Did you think I was asking people here how dare they comment and share their opinions?!? Why would I feel I have any right to do that 😅
Everyone is entitled to opinion, we all have very different experiences.
I was offering a different perspective, I know of successful and happy relationships post cheating too (one where the woman was playing dumb, and another one where the guy admitted to cheating, and one where a woman cheated too). And I saw examples where forgiving a cheater was a massive mistake (I made that mistake on one occasion and learned my lesson).
I am still able to admit that not all circumstances are the same, not all people are the same, and that we should not judge people's decisions - regardless if we would make the same decisions ourselves, that's all...

Hi @Waffletots
Firstly I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for everything you are going through right now, especially with you being 38 weeks pregnant.

So glad you have such a supportive family and that you have people who truly love you to support you through the birth (someone mentioning your husband needing to support you at the birth made me want to vomit).

And I wanted to commend you for handling this situation with such strength and dignity, and for having enough respect for yourself and your children not to accept the things that your husband has done.

I am appalled by the emotional blackmail of a text he sent you, and the thought of it made me feel sick, and though it seems you are already strong enough in your resolve I would just like to add my perspective on his plea to get past it “for the children”.

My dad was a serial cheat, and had numerous long-term affairs when I was growing up, I found out about some of them when I was in secondary school, my mum forgave over and over. My dad never changed and eventually they separated (not until I was in my early 20’s however), but not after a lot of our childhoods had been ruined by their marital problems. I hated my dad, I was angry with my mum, I was so confused that she kept accepting something I was taught to be wrong, at a certain point in time I lost respect for both of them. There was always an atmosphere at home, a lot of pain, a lot of suspicion, we felt like he resented us, that we were the obligation tying him down. I grew up to be someone who could not trust for a long time. As an adult I have a lot more empathy for what my mum went through, she has always been a wonderful mum and I believe she coped as best she could at the time.
Though I do wish my mum had been able to handle things more like how you are handling this.

I just wanted to say, having been part of “the children” in this type of situation, that staying “for the children” can do a lot more damage, and the type of man who has a whole year long AFFAIR is unlikely to change. He has shown himself to be a liar, a coward and a manipulator, possibly also a narcissist.

I truly commend you and just wanted to cheer you on to stay confident in the knowledge that what you are doing is not only best for you but also best for your children.

I hope you manage to get some well deserved rest, remember your self-care, be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. Wishing you all the best for the birth of your new baby and beyond. You’ve got this 💐💐💐

God love you, that's horrendous. May he rot in hell!

I hope you are doing ok now. x

Salutary lesson!

One drink of alcohol can do harm.. That's the thing.
It's unpredictable.
The last thing Op needs while dealing with her lying cretin of a husband is to have a baby with alcohol syndrome.

OP, you genuinely sound like one of the strongest people I've ever seen post on here.

I know you will have wobbles but with your amazing supporting family by your side, you will get through this.

Some spiteful but equally tempting suggestions - Don't tell him when baby is on the way, DB can text afterwards once you and baby are back home and snuggled up in bed. Give baby your maiden name and pick a first name of your own choosing forgetting what HE wanted etc.

(If you haven't already, empty the joint account and move the DD's in your name to your account, who cares if his Direct Debits bounce...).

Oh fgs stop making excuses!

Nothing excuses his behaviour, absolutely nothing!

Right now, focus on you, your son and your upcoming birth. Forget about him. No messages, no communication.
In the coming weeks, get that solicitor appointment sorted, make sure your own employment is secure, and lean on friends and family.

You've got this OP. You are being very dignified.

Catch a grip. Where is your evidence for that?

Total bollocks. Half the country would be affected because I guarantee you that many women have had one small drink at some point during their pregnancy!

That text is a breathtaking piece of self-serving wankery.

Abject grovelling apology? No.

Genuine concern how his extremely pregnant wife is after this bombshell? No.

Asking if all's ok with the baby? No.

Asking if their DC's ok? No.

Realising he's fucked up and asking her to do a huge piece of emotional heavy lifting at this stage? Yes.

Asking her to do something for him that will get him something he wants? Oh yes.

Attempting emotional blackmail, poking at the most vulnerable thing, the children's welfare? Oh hell yes.

So very much in one teeny little text.

Maybe, fair point. But yeah - the guy did suffer later on, it was pretty obvious. As I said, I am not making excuses for him as in - oh poor innocent stupid thing...no. It's just that it takes certain maturity to understand consequences of some actions. Honestly, some people are simply immature (or stupid), they are not mean nor evil - just immature thinking it is a little fun period that will end when they decide and noone finds out noone gets hurt...
It really does work out like that for many 🤷🏼‍♀️ not for this guy in my office though. And certainly not for the OP's husband.

All I wanted to say is - yes it is possible to cheat and not be incarnation of evil. Sometimes it is just an immature person who is not yet ready for the responsibilities of a dedicated relationship. They do grow up, unfortunately for some - too late.

His wife should have totally been her concern all along, pregnant or not. This dick was not free to be with her!

Seriously??

She said she believed they were separated, and selling up. And that she found out by chance that it was no such thing.

It's completely possible that she is now totally disgusted with him, and her timing reflects that she has only just found out that the separation story was just a big fat pack of lies. She may also have no idea how far along in pregnancy waffletots is, and her timing reflects only when she found out, not a malicious plan. She may be horrified with herself, and be wondering how on earth she came to be conned and what warning signs she can see now with hindsight, because at the time he came across as a genuinely separated man.

The skilled liar is the STBXH. It is he who has brought this devastation.

You came across as saying "don't you dare" express a different opinion to you.

I don't care how many people forgive - as you can see from this thread many women who decided to forgive lived to regret it.

I have no idea how you would get over such a horrendous betrayal, and be able to love, laugh with, have sex with, someone who did the dirty on you to this extent!

Forgiving a cheater is not a sensible thing to do, justify it as you will.

I don't know one single happy relationship post-cheating but that is probably because all of the women I know who were cheated on have the good commonsense to kick the fucker into the kerb!

And he'll be fuming about his girlfriend contacting you.
He's been found out. His tail is between his legs.
He doesn't deserve you worrying about him at all, Op.
The whole huge painful mess is his doing.

Nest and coddle yourself.
Let your family care for you.
You will soon have two beautiful children to take up all your concentration.

Jesus christ just re-read your post! One fucking glass of wine will not cause foetal alcohol syndrome!! Away with you and your scaremongering!!

Well done OP just found the second thread. It’s disgusting how he’s put you and the baby at risk as well as being so reckless with your family life. You are better off without this shameful loser who is a complete coward and narcissistic, manipulative liar.

Can you get a check up at local clinic to make sure everything is ok before the delivery and he hasn’t given you Chlamydia?

Came on to recommend the headspace app there is lots of content on there which could be very helpful as well as stuff for children.

I’m glad you have a good IRL support network.

No. It's not possible to cheat and not be the incarnation of evil. End of.

If a person feels they want to be with someone else, they end their current relationship. No excuses. Immature or not.

Do you really think that immaturity is an excuse for someone who has been married for 5 years, someone who has a 3 year old, someone who is about to become a dad for the second time - and has been screwing someone else since before he and his wife conceived their planned baby?

Grow up!

@betrayedandwobbly That's not what she said. She said she'd been sleeping with OP's husband for a year and he'd told her he'd be leaving. She said somebody had "let slip" that there was a baby due jn a few weeks. She's an absolute piece of shit for throwing this bomb on a woman about to give birth, caring for a toddler and two weeks before Christmas. Utterly vile. They both are.

Especially when the baby is already fully developed.

Exactly! When I had my children, the obs' advice was that the occasional glass of wine was fine as it was relaxing! If your iron was low, you were advised to drink Guinness (ugh!)

I didn't because I went right off alcohol (and most food!!) when I was pregnant but we certainly weren't advised to abstain completely! I have never met a child with FAS, god love them.