I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

As if the affair wasn't evidence of his complete disregard, the lack of concern for you and your child when you have been completely blindsided is astounding. Take care of yourself.

You are an amazing woman OP. Stay strong.

I agree with you @Eaglemom! What a shitty thing to write! If he's feeling that way, then it's his responsibility to seek support, not the OP's. It's also part of emotional abuse to threaten someone to harm yourself if they don't take you back. OP has got enough on her plate rn and doesn't need to be parasited in this way.

Just read through and I’m sorry you’re going through this but I must say wow , what a muture , level headed lady you are and a fantastic mother thinking of your children . So pleased you have support . Dont answer him , he doesn’t deserve it but don’t be surprised when he just goes cold on you n children because he’s a selfish shit . Ring cms tomorrow, because when they get support sorted , they back date it from the day you ring and open a case with them . They will need his national insurance number so they can calculate straight from his gross wage . Ring again when newborn is born . Stay strong lovely lady .

To get every penny, drain your joint account before he does - it’s yours, you can do it. At least take half. If you don’t act quick he’ll take it all.

If you reply negatively to his vile, hypocritical guilt trip of a text, it will increase the chances that he will start his own action plan, which could disadvantage you. I personally would avoid temptation.

You will get through this OP.
He really is the dregs.
Thank goodness for your family.
You really are blessed as are your children.

I would strongly suggest you have someone else do the contact for you. Don’t have any contact with him directly until you are ready. Have your brother or parents message him regarding arranging access to see the 3 year old; you don’t want to even give him a hint at ammo to say you kept his child from him, so have someone open up that conversation with him. Have them say one sentence about the situation like, “Waffletots has asked us to be the communication point for arranging access to see the 3 year old. We won’t discuss her or the situation, as she will deal with that in her own time. We are only discussing access to the child. When the baby arrives, that will be a more in depth discussion for later.”

Grey rock him. Tell them to grey rock him. Only have them reply about things directly related to access arrangements.

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

Not even a "sorry". What a fucking twat!

1 glass won't do harm

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through

I think it’s likely she’s telling the truth, but I think it’s also a tactic to split you two up & get what she feels entitled to - him

But he’s your husband & father of your kids & you’ve got the history with him

Don’t know if I could stay with him in your shoes, but she’s banking on you kicking him out, so she can get him by default

I’ve got everything crossed for you

And so it begins OP, the rolling out of every platitude in the FOG Top 100, starting with the children he gave no thought to when he was having his fun with his OW. Next up, and possibly from his flying monkeys (if he has any) something along the lines of "be the bigger person." So there's more of you to walk all over?

On the one hand, I think I'd find the urge to tell him where he could go and what he could do when he got there almost irresistible. On the other, tactically, it may be wiser to ignore him completely. Silence is an answer in its own right.

Re the birth of your new LO. You absolutely do not have to let your STBEXH in the delivery room. You're the only party who isn't interchangeable, apart from maybe specialists in neo-natal care, but there'll be others on MN who know more about that. Your medical confidentiality isn't open to anyone without your say so and that includes your next of kin, but make sure he's taken off your paperwork as NoK at the hospital and tell the staff in the department that you don't want him there. That way, if something unexpected happens and you need someone to advocate for you or sign paperwork, someone you trust is tasked with it. All the best to you and your family and little ones OP.

Oh god OP. I read your other thread and my heart shattered for you. I’m just here for a handhold and sending you well wishes for the birth. I’m so sorry. You sound incredibly strong.

Wow, I have just read both threads. I’m ready sorry I have no device but, I just wanted to wish you all of the luck in the world OP

Lots of practical advice already given here, so just going to put in my support. I am cheering as I read your posts like I am watching my favourite football team score a winning goal in the 89th minute. Everything about what has happened to is so crazy but you are handling it all with grace! I hope one day you will be able to look back and be proud of how you handled everything. Your children will.

I’m in awe of you OP. Your strength, resilience and sheer dignity are an example to women everywhere.

Wishing you all the strength and support.

Just thinking about you OP. That moment your first born meets their sibling for the first time. Your heart explodes with love; it’s an incredible feeling. There are so many special moments like that ahead of you. It really is an incredible time and I hope you can savour it, despite what he’s done. It sounds like you’ll be well supported by a loving family.

He is losing everything here. What a sad pathetic little man.

RTFT. Things have moved on significantly.

Who cares?

And seeing as the only communication from the prick has been that terse text, I doubt Waffles knows.

In my experience, OW ( and Other Men) are narcissistic Arseholes.

No one who willing has sex with a married person has any morals.

When young children are in the mix, especially a pregnant woman, it’s particularly odious.

The OW here is just as awful as he is.

Honestly, you've been so brilliant. You may not feel strong but you really are. Even though he such a no mark. I think you may find yourself grieving for the future that you thought you'd have.
I was in a similar position 38 years ago. When he grovelled I didn't take him back as I reckoned it wasn't fair on the children to get used to having him around as I knew he'd do it again.
Hard and sad but the very best thing, on reflection, that I could've done.
You've handled this so well, keep going. Sending hugs x

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

I know I will, but I don’t know about you you dirty fuckin bastard

That’s exactly how I read it. He’s minimising his actions and responsibility. That is not what his first message should have been.

Instead, he should have admitted all responsibility, and begged for forgiveness. He had done neither - frankly, that is appalling.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Whilst there is never a good time, the timing is particularly cruel.

I have been through this myself albeit I wasn't pregnant, about to give birth and didn't have any children thankfully. I know what you are going through, the emotions etc - to be pregnant and with a child at the same time, my heart goes out to you.

Whilst it doesn't feel like it at the moment, I can promise you he has done you a favour. Far better to know what he is like now and move on than to find out later down the line. You are strong and have a wonderful family, your brother sounds ace! Focus on looking after yourself and your babies and allow your family / friends to help.

As for the message that pathetic excuse for a man has sent - ignore it! Doesn't deserve a response!

When you see your midwife make sure your notes are updated to reflect that you do not want him anywhere near! I wouldn't even tell him when the baby is born!

All the best, you will look back on this in the future and realise what a turning point and lucky escape this was.

OP you clearly are thinking of the children who need a strong role model of a mum who has self respect and who is honourable and reliable. They do not need a selfish, unreliable, dishonest, creep prepared to sell them and his wife out for a cheap sordid affair . So. Yes you are getting past this for the children. Specifically , you are getting well past him