Page 26 | I know his secret… thread 2

Waffletots · 2024-12-09T08:43:04+00:00

Hi everyone I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1]] I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later. Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Patienceinshortsupply · 09/12/2024 19:43

Well he's a Prince among men isn't he?! Get past this my arse.

I'm so glad you have family there, OP. I would be tempted to now put him to the back of your mind and focus on your growing baby and little one (easier said than done). Nothing matters more than your wellbeing for now - the cheating rat can go on ice and stay there. Please look after yourself

Original poster

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 19:43

Sortalike · 09/12/2024 19:29

I know a PP suggested listening to meditation on you tube (sorry I'm not sure who it was) but it might be something to try?

I listen to a guided meditation or an audio book most nights, and they help me get off to sleep.

Just concentrating on the words and letting them flow over you will help quieten the other thoughts that are whirling at the moment.

The next few days aren't going to be easy but rest as much as you can. Write yourself a list of things to do/people to contact, delegate whatever you can. It's okay to take it minute by minute when you need to, but you will make it through.

I've been there, got the T-shirt, be brave even when you feel anything but 💐

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Thank you for this, this is a great idea.
weirdly I actually listen to the same meditation every night on YouTube with my three year old (I just search rainbow meditation) and I’m going to try and listen to this to try and sleep soon, I think it’ll trick my brain into feeling relaxed and safe as it’s part of my usual routine and reminds me of my little one 🙏🏻

OP posts:

Thursdaygirl · 09/12/2024 19:44

OP, he and his OW are abhorrent. The timing is cruel, - quite wicked in fact.

Yes. It’s bad enough that the husband does this in the first place, but the timing and delivery from the OW is despicable

momtoboys · 09/12/2024 19:44

I so admire your strength and how smart you are being. I have never been through this but listen to the women on here who have been. They are a wise, caring bunch. I'll be praying for you and your babies. Take care of yourself.

Commonsense22 · 09/12/2024 19:44

NarcoosseeLover · 09/12/2024 19:38

His message suggests avoidance.
He’s trying to avoid conflict and return to normal asap, focusing attention on the children rather than taking responsibility for his actions.
It’s minimising what he has done to ‘this’.
It’s a lack of acknowledgement of any pain caused.
It’s redirection of attention.

It’s quite clever actually. If you think about it. To a weak person, it may scream that the affair lacked importance and let’s prioritise the children and go right back to normal. Let’s forget this little inconvenience.

To a strong woman though, it demonstrates a weak, scared man, who is trying to avoid accountability and hoping prolonged silence will eventually force her to make the first move, the first contact, giving him the upper hand.

He’s weak.

And his mistress is callous and her timing is cruel. She knew what this would do and she knew how vulnerable the op would be. She through a grenade into the op’s life and walked off. I’m not surprised the husband never really wanted her beyond a shag and would like the stability of his family back.

This exactly - excellent analysis of his message.

toucheee · 09/12/2024 19:44

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 19:25

Hadn’t thought of it like this. Perhaps he does mean being civil but surely if this were the case he would have actually asked after his 3 year old and unborn baby? I just don’t know.

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I think he means getting back together.

That message is shocking in its brevity and lack of accountability. Almost like this is something that has happened to both of you, not something that he has done to you.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2024 19:44

@Waffletots I know the timing is full on, but you might want to consider giving baby your maiden surname, in case you revert back to yours. Then if he doesn't consent to your eldest's surname being changed, you can unofficially double-barrel it, then eventually just drop his part off for school etc. My friend did this, he wouldn't consent but she started double-barrelling it, then eventually just used her surname for her child and that's what he's known as at school without any issue.

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 09/12/2024 19:44

@Waffletots I just wanted to say I am in absolute awe of you and that your little ones are greatly blessed to have such an amazing mum.

I'm so, so sorry you've been treated like this, it truly beggars belief. I hope he gets the karma he so richly deserves, along with OW.

Please take care and all the best for the birth. You rock

Candlesburn · 09/12/2024 19:45

I am so sorry OP you are going through an awful situation when you are heavily pregnant with a young child .
If you haven't already packed your hospital bag with maternity notes have them ready .
I am not sure if others have mentioned but the Surviving Infidelity website is a good source of info . It is American , so not all of it is applicable here .
You have to make sure you eat little and often and keep hydrated .I know you will be struggling to sleep
but try and have some naps . I found the radio3 wind - down app useful for this and not a classical music fan .

I am so sorry that you have also encountered very little back from your H . He should be absolutely disgusted with his own behaviour .

It does seem that he was not aware that the OW was going to spill the beans . You have to accept that neither of them had you and your family's best interests at heart . If she had just found out that you were pregnant again and had been fed lies by him , surely she would have kept quiet rather than divulge to you so close to your birth .
Your husband has been able to compartmentalise his feelings and has been devious and deceptive throughout . Also look up cognitive dissonance , he will try and make out that you were at fault / to blame for his actions .
Anyone who can cheat on a pregnant wife with a young child already , is surely the lowest of the low . He will be concerned about his reputation as impossible to gloss over this situation .

You will be on a roller coaster of emotions going forward and will think of happy times with him . Unfortunately this has now been tainted with what you now know .

You cannot trust anything that he says or does now . He is looking after himself .

It seems like you have a great support network . Do not ever feel guilty that you should have known / somehow caused this . I think most people know that partners can cheat , but when our lives are enmeshed with a partner , we have set up home and have a family we do think we are a tight knit unit and that it won't happen to us . Sadly we are both aware, it can .

Look after yourself and just take it day by day .

toucheee · 09/12/2024 19:45

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2024 19:44

@Waffletots I know the timing is full on, but you might want to consider giving baby your maiden surname, in case you revert back to yours. Then if he doesn't consent to your eldest's surname being changed, you can unofficially double-barrel it, then eventually just drop his part off for school etc. My friend did this, he wouldn't consent but she started double-barrelling it, then eventually just used her surname for her child and that's what he's known as at school without any issue.

I think this is a good idea.

WhoIsBetty · 09/12/2024 19:46

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 19:25

Hadn’t thought of it like this. Perhaps he does mean being civil but surely if this were the case he would have actually asked after his 3 year old and unborn baby? I just don’t know.

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You don’t owe him a response. Don’t even try to second guess what he means. Keep going one foot in front of the other focusing on next steps - financial protection, allowing your feelings to come, looking after your body and getting all the support you need.

May be see if your brother will be a go between so you can block him. That way he can’t try anything manipulative.

It’s going to be hard to be fully emotionally present for your baby so your main focus has got to be on you and your own well-being. You need the least amount of contact with him as possible.

He’s a c*^t and I never use that word. I’m so angry on your behalf. You have got this though. There will be dark days, but you will be in the light again and you will thrive.

💐💐💐

magnummum · 09/12/2024 19:46

Just wanted to send a virtual hug Waffle - what a shocking situation to find yourself in. So glad that you gave a supportive family around you. Keep reaching out here and fingers crossed that baby stays put for a few days x

PandaChopChop · 09/12/2024 19:46

Really glad you have family to support you OP.

eta: don't reply.. he doesn't deserve it x

blueshoes · 09/12/2024 19:47

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/12/2024 19:26

Don’t whatever you do let on to your ex that you are seeing a solicitor.
Find all papers regarding your home and copy all his private ones about his pension and savings. Transfer all your private papers to your parents incase he enters the house while you are out

Excellent advice there, @Washingupdone
It might even be worth lettting him believe there's a chance of getting through this - without letting him back in the house of course - which could be done via "needing time to think"
Anything to buy a bit of time for OP to sort things out, before he gets chance to pre-empt her

I agree. Don't tip him off.

OP, you are doing great. Your silence must be deafening.

WhoIsBetty · 09/12/2024 19:48

toucheee · 09/12/2024 19:44

I think he means getting back together.

That message is shocking in its brevity and lack of accountability. Almost like this is something that has happened to both of you, not something that he has done to you.

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Yes. Psychopathically cold. Made me wince. What an absolute c*#t.

Jazzjazzjazz · 09/12/2024 19:49

AlertCat · 09/12/2024 19:25

OP isn’t going to go down that rabbit hole! He has fucked up so far past the point of no return and he can’t even now ask about the children he’s suddenly supposedly so concerned about, not about how his wife is doing who’s still pregnant with one of them- she could be in labour for all he knows and cares. He is an utter custard and his wishes should be the last thing on her mind right now, this is all about protecting herself and her little ones, not playing along with his selfish mind games.

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Oh I wasn’t saying she should consider getting back to him, I was saying that unlike others were thinking, this one line text doesn’t mean he even wants that, it could be that the jig is up now and he’s trying to get out of any additional consequences besides losing his wife. Reminding her of the children so she doesn’t give him a load of shit. He’s a cold lying arsehole

VexedofVirginiaWater · 09/12/2024 19:52

It's a good idea to take someone with you to the solicitor's appointment @Waffletots. I took both my parents as my head was all over the place and we all remembered different details, so it was useful. It was 20 over years ago now, so no doubt things have changed. I was talking about a separation, but when i told him the details, he advised me to go straight for divorce, which I did. Ex wanted us to do it ourselves without solicitors, but a friend (pre MN days) advised me not to. I remember she said - he's not on your side any more Vexed, you can't trust him.

OneWittySquid · 09/12/2024 19:52

You doing amazing op becareful he doesn't target you when you've given a birth as you will be at your most vulnerable.

jumpintheline · 09/12/2024 19:52

Asking your bro to be go between and blocking him is a great shout. Better for your state of mind - you can focus on your 3yo and your unborn baby, and you xx

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/12/2024 19:53

Pair of cunts deserve each other.

well done OP in standing tall 💐

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/12/2024 19:57

Im sorry you are going through this OP and glad you have such a supportive family around you.

It was a very careful pared down message, almost like a political slogan... Can't we get past this, for the children... and shocking in its audacity... I feel its saying... Oh Come on, I'm the reasonable adult person here reaching out and I think you are over reacting.. I can get past this..... can't you? Posing as the adult in the situation, before bringing up the final guilt tripping whammy of .... for the children... as if reminding you of your responsibilities... The sheer and utter cheek of it.
Its very confident in its righteousness. No apology, no admission.

Its a very cold and calculating message from someone who has no guilt or qualms about betrayal.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 09/12/2024 19:57

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 19:43

Thank you for this, this is a great idea.
weirdly I actually listen to the same meditation every night on YouTube with my three year old (I just search rainbow meditation) and I’m going to try and listen to this to try and sleep soon, I think it’ll trick my brain into feeling relaxed and safe as it’s part of my usual routine and reminds me of my little one 🙏🏻

Show quote history

Oh @Waffletots I don’t have the words :(

I’m so sorry this has happened and you are amazing for keeping it together. He is a fool and an utter tool to jeopardise your marriage and family unit. Sending love and positive thoughts your way. Give your bump a long cuddle and know that you’re doing brilliantly given everything you’re going through.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/12/2024 19:58

VexedofVirginiaWater · 09/12/2024 19:52

It's a good idea to take someone with you to the solicitor's appointment @Waffletots. I took both my parents as my head was all over the place and we all remembered different details, so it was useful. It was 20 over years ago now, so no doubt things have changed. I was talking about a separation, but when i told him the details, he advised me to go straight for divorce, which I did. Ex wanted us to do it ourselves without solicitors, but a friend (pre MN days) advised me not to. I remember she said - he's not on your side any more Vexed, you can't trust him.

Just to add what I know of my late husband's experience.

He left his ex after getting confirmation that she'd spent the night with her work colleague. Their children were adults and had moved away from home. Therefore, Dh agreed to be "civilised" and to do things without solicitors.

Mistake. He was absolutely ripped off. For example, he agreed that a friend of hers could value the house for the buy out. As a result, he lost a great deal of the equity he'd put into the house. He didn't realise until too late.

I would absolutely advise the use of a solicitor.

Not1Not2Butt3Holes · 09/12/2024 19:59

I just have to say that you OP are amazing and I'm sending you the biggest squidgy heartfelt virtual hug 🌹

skyandocean · 09/12/2024 20:00

So sorry that youve gone through this as such a vulnerable time too. 🫂

You mentioned his parents live for away, where is he staying at the moment? Is it with the ow or another place you have?