I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

@Waffletots there isn’t much I can say that other posters haven’t already said. All I do want to say is that your children are so lucky to have such a strong, levelheaded and incredible mum and role model. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Sending you all the love and positivity for the coming weeks xxx

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

I would be apoplectic at that message. No apology, no asking how you are, no asking how your child is, just "please don't make this difficult for me."

He really is a piece of shit. I think I would ignore it for today but I'd have to reply in a few days and reply "No."

But did he say he wants to get back together? If he just said “can we get past this for the kids”, he might just mean being civil to each other, have you clarified that? Has anymore even been said than that one line?

Yes, I missed most of it.

Yes of course, you must make yourself and your little ones top priority. The timing of this is horrendous for you.( Not that there is a good time obviously)
Even though I don't know you I'm so damn angry on your behalf.💐💐

What are you talking about ? The OP already knows the truth and her world HAS blown apart. She is now dealing with it. Read the thread.

I am in awe of your strength OP. Sending lots of strength and best wishes your way.

The message from your husband reminds me of the coldness I got from my ex-husband when he was found out. I wasn’t as strong as you and it really really dented my self-worth and confidence. I cried many many tears and I questioned why I wasn’t worth him apologising, or trying to “win” me back. It took me a long time to rebuild my self esteem to be honest (and lots of therapy). I now know that the way he acted was no reflection on me but I couldn’t see that at the time. Please please OP keep an eye on your post natal mental health and make sure you get some counselling/therapy to help you work through this horrendous betrayal.

FYI that my shitty ex-H admitted years later (after I’d moved on and remarried) that he couldn’t bare to acknowledge what he’d done to me and our baby. By apologising, he would be giving voice to something he didn’t want to admit/acknowledge that he’d done (as it’s an absolutely shitty thing to do to your pregnant wife).

Big hugs and best wishes xx

Read your thread yesterday, and like many others can’t believe what an arsehole he is.

You, on the other hand, are amazing.

Keep up your strength both emotionally and mentally and don’t be afraid to lean on those you are close to.

Hadn’t thought of it like this. Perhaps he does mean being civil but surely if this were the case he would have actually asked after his 3 year old and unborn baby? I just don’t know.

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

Fuck that. No apology. No grovelling. No accountability. No offer to attend counselling. Nothing.

Did he forget he had a wife and children while he was shagging about? Maybe he could have got past his urges and his need for an ego boost for the sake of the children.

@Waffletots Some people get over infidelity. I reckon I could get over a one off drunken shag with an immediate confession. I certainly couldn't get over a year of lying, cheating, deception, secret sharing. You can't even trust him to go to work. He's a great liar as well. You'll always be looking over your shoulder.

OP isn’t going to go down that rabbit hole! He has fucked up so far past the point of no return and he can’t even now ask about the children he’s suddenly supposedly so concerned about, not about how his wife is doing who’s still pregnant with one of them- she could be in labour for all he knows and cares. He is an utter custard and his wishes should be the last thing on her mind right now, this is all about protecting herself and her little ones, not playing along with his selfish mind games.

Don’t whatever you do let on to your ex that you are seeing a solicitor.
Find all papers regarding your home and copy all his private ones about his pension and savings. Transfer all your private papers to your parents incase he enters the house while you are out

Excellent advice there, @Washingupdone
It might even be worth lettting him believe there's a chance of getting through this - without letting him back in the house of course - which could be done via "needing time to think"
Anything to buy a bit of time for OP to sort things out, before he gets chance to pre-empt her

“Can we get past this, for the children?”

I would want to respond ……Which ‘we’ are you referring to?

But because you are about to give birth, I would concentrate on yourself, with the support of your fantastic family and not respond at all. Your new baby is priority and you must keep yourself on an even keel as much as possible for a good few weeks now.

OP, he and his OW are abhorrent. The timing is cruel, - quite wicked in fact.

You are quite right to do what you can to stay calm. This means ignoring his callous, cowardly and completely useless attempt at communication.
You are simply too busy with your impending birth to deal with his hideous behaviour and you are within your rights to not want him anywhere near you. (If that’s what you do still want)

Keep him hanging as long as you like. His question isn’t worthy of your energy. You owe him nothing. You aren’t obliged to dance to his cheating tune at all.
Don’t let him spoil your birth experince any more than he already has, make it as special as you possibly can.

You sound like a very strong woman ….you will keep it together for your babies.
All the best of luck to you OP.

Disgraceful post. What about the OP? Is he concerned about her? Was he when was in bed with another woman while his pregnant wife is caring for their toddler?
Women are no longer being gaslit into being held responsible for men's shitty actions, so take your poor men crap elsewhere.
He is responsible for his actions,his choices and whatever he is feeling now is all him. Selfish prick.
OP has done everything perfect... she has no room in her life to worry about the disgusting piece of shits feelings who has destroyed their family all by himself so ease off and do not try adding ridiculous guilt tripping onto her stress. I wouldn't be surprised if he's going for the poor victim angle by trying to make her think thisnwith his pathetic silence. She sounds too smart to fall for it, pity you aren't.

I know a PP suggested listening to meditation on you tube (sorry I'm not sure who it was) but it might be something to try?

I listen to a guided meditation or an audio book most nights, and they help me get off to sleep.

Just concentrating on the words and letting them flow over you will help quieten the other thoughts that are whirling at the moment.

The next few days aren't going to be easy but rest as much as you can. Write yourself a list of things to do/people to contact, delegate whatever you can. It's okay to take it minute by minute when you need to, but you will make it through.

I've been there, got the T-shirt, be brave even when you feel anything but 💐

I read your first message with a lurch in my stomach, as I have seen this happen to so many women on Mumsnet, and then it unfolded in the worst way as expected, but against hope. The timing is particularly cruel, as it his apparent lack of contrition and/or insight. I am so glad you have your family to support you.
I just wanted to come on here say what an amazing mother you must be - everything you have said is putting your children first, above your own feelings which must be in turmoil. We are all rooting for you.

I know a PP suggested listening to meditation on you tube (sorry I'm not sure who it was) but it might be something to try?

That’s not a bad shout @Waffletots . Insight Timer has loads of free sleep meditations. I also like yoga nidra and you can get ones designed to send you to sleep, or even back to sleep if you’ve woken in the night. It’s supposed to be able to help you reset the nervous system so that you don’t get stuck in stress mode.

If that's all he can come up with, it hardly matters does it?!

Concentrate on you and your family now. Let him disappear into the background - you've got shit to do and he's not important anymore.

The "can we get past this for the children" comment - get past what - betrayal, lies, the OW - the children won't care - they've got you and your parents and lovely brother. The sooner he is out of your lives the better.

My goodness what an awful man. But if anything this provides you with comfort that the OW dumped him in it, he hadn't planned it and they currently aren't walking out of this together.

You're handling this amazingly although I'm sure it feels like hell.

I would do the same. And I left a cheating husband too.

You’re doing amazingly OP, lean on your loved ones, do what is right for you and your children and NO ONE else. Stay strong, it’s going to be a bumpy ride, but there is a much better future for you further on down the line than with this utter cowardly toerag.

His message suggests avoidance.
He’s trying to avoid conflict and return to normal asap, focusing attention on the children rather than taking responsibility for his actions.
It’s minimising what he has done to ‘this’.
It’s a lack of acknowledgement of any pain caused.
It’s redirection of attention.

It’s quite clever actually. If you think about it. To a weak person, it may scream that the affair lacked importance and let’s prioritise the children and go right back to normal. Let’s forget this little inconvenience.

To a strong woman though, it demonstrates a weak, scared man, who is trying to avoid accountability and hoping prolonged silence will eventually force her to make the first move, the first contact, giving him the upper hand.

He’s weak.

And his mistress is callous and her timing is cruel. She knew what this would do and she knew how vulnerable the op would be. She through a grenade into the op’s life and walked off. I’m not surprised the husband never really wanted her beyond a shag and would like the stability of his family back.

Wise, wise move. Wish we had stayed close. {Moved away as couldn't afford a house- {Richmond upon Thames} but in retrospect should have bought a flat!.

You've handled this all so admirably which is an odd thing to say but honestly you’re so incredibly strong. I don’t think I’d have been able to stop myself forwarding his message to the other woman just to bring her to the reality that she means nothing to him either. Clearly she’s been dropped like a rock now reality has come crashing down so it’s all this heartbreak for literally what, nothing.

Wishing you all the very best for you and your children. So glad to hear what a support your family are to you. Your children are lucky to have you all for their family.

OP I’m honestly in awe of your dignity and strength. You have handled this with so much self respect and grace. You are and will be an amazing role model to your children.

Wishing you strength in the days and weeks ahead - and so much deserved happiness beyond that.