I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

I was agreeing that this thread would be better off in Relationships as suggested.

There tends to be less dickish comments such as the one you've just made.

But no doubt the dicks would follow the OP over there anyway if she does get it moved.

He did do one wonderful thing for his children. He chose YOU as their mother.

@Waffletots please do not inform him when you go into hospital! do not inform him when baby has been born. he knows your due date but just ignore any messages from him till you are well back on your feet. good luck with the birth xx

You've handled this so well op. I'm so glad you have family looking after you, take all the help you are offered and I really hope you are able to enjoy your precious baby soon and have that glass of wine x

Honestly I think now I’m over the initial denial then shock the anger has set it and I’m so very tempted to reply something like this but it would please me for just a second, I have to play the long game now. His timing couldn’t be more shit, I’m over 38 weeks now, my last baby was born at 39 weeks, I never thought I would be hoping to go overdue but I need to sort myself out before this precious baby makes an appearance! I need to try and sleep but my brain is so very full!

Wow he didn't out up much of a fight did he. Screams volumes. And to not ask after you or your child. He had it all and threw it all away. Bet he thought he was so clever snagging someone else behind your back. OW shouldn't have had an affair with a married man but thank God she told you

Sounds odd, but you need to think about however you deal with this...backwards.I mean that whatever you say to him will have major consequences, a child and one on the way,is the best reason to wait until he either makes a mistake,and you know for sure....or you find out she has been lying.you do not want your world blown apart by how,and if you challenge him.all the very best, xx

I was agreeing as it happened to me when we had planned a baby

He means can't we get past this... for the money. He is realizing how much it's going to cost him for at least the next 19 years.

Despicable.

How dare he weaponise your children to try and guilt trip you. What a disgusting piece of work.

OP you are amazing! I'm in awe of how well you are dealing with this - you've reached out for support, are getting things in motion, have made sure your 3 year old is happy and safe, and have a new birthing plan. All I'd say is, when you do need to sob or get angry, they're very valid emotions too so let yourself feel them when you need to without guilt. I guess with all the initial sorting out, you might be on adrenaline at the moment. I am so glad you've gotten such a great family around you and are also seeing the midwife tomorrow. It'll be tough for a while, but you will come out the other side.

I can’t think of anyone I would like less to “support” me through childbirth! I bet it would add days onto my labour with the stress!
My mum and sister in law will be with me, I plan on letting the hospital know the situation, I’m sure they couldn’t let anyone in without my consent anyway.

OP you are behaving with grace, dignity and above all - rational and clear headed thinking. Your future and your children's future will all benefit from the way you are dealing with this. I am so impressed.

As for

"Can't we get past this for the children?" - even the phrasing is making my blood boil? "Can't we?" suggests that he is, under duress, willing to put it behind him if you will. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I would be so tempted to reply

"Can you un-fuck your mistress? No? Ahhh shame. In which case, no".

But I am not as dignified or restrained as you. You keep doing you because you are amazing.

I would love to be a fly on the wall listening to the conversations between him and the OW. Can't imagine it going well somehow.

Can we get past this, for the children?

Wow. What he has perpetrated heretofore is so heinous and sociopathic, I really shouldn’t be surprised that he has come out with this cold one-liner that reduces all of his treachery into the word ’This’. There is no mention of or remorse for your suffering and devastation. He certainly wasn’t thinking of the children when he and his girlfriend were busy devaluing them and destabilizing their secure home. He’s an abomination.

@Waffletots, in your shoes I wouldn’t respond at all. I would focus on
self-care while absorbing the love and support of your family/friends. I’d proceed with gathering pertinent legal/financial information, and would file for divorce at the time of your choosing.

OP, you truly are a phenomenal woman.

It must be so hard at the moment but you are doing the right thing, and doing it in such an assured and dignified manner. I'm in awe of your strength and resolve. So glad you have great support around you.

Wishing you all the best with the birth and what will be a fabulous future once you're through this. ❤️

The maelstrom of emotion when one is confronted with definite evidence is grim.
Initially one can feel numb shock - but then sorrow and anger can come- it's totally exhausting.

Your saving grace is your lovely family {Parents and Brother} - mine lived 120 miles away, had they been closer, it would have been easier, emotionally.

Your Family are an absolute blessing.

There's much more power in silence.

Can we get past this, for the children?

Absolute piece of shit.

No answer is the right answer here OP. Keep it going 👊🏻

Eh? Mistress sent all the pictures and messages to OP. He's gone. Her brother saw him off. Have you missed something?

Ok sorry, things have clearly moved on....all the very best to you and your children and family.xx

Thank you. Absolutely, exhausting and some! I stayed in the same area as my parents purposefully as did my brother. Although I’ve always appreciated everyone being within 20 minutes of each other, I didn’t realise the significance of this until now.

Don’t whatever you do let on to your ex that you are seeing a solicitor.
Find all papers regarding your home and copy all his private ones about his pension and savings. Transfer all your private papers to your parents incase he enters the house while you are out. Change you pension and will regarding who will inherit as you have to protect your children.
Wishing you well for appointment tomorrow.

So is he basically saying he only wants to get back with you because of the kids? What about saying what a massive mistake he’s made against his wife and that he’s realised he doesn’t want to lose you.?

If he's said that, @FeegleFrenzy, it would make it that much more difficult to explain when he did it again with the next one - though he doesn't really sound the type to feel he should be explaining himself

Personally my money's on the OW not wanting him at her place (or indeed at all, since he's lied to her too), hence him behaving like a dog in search of a bed

You are being incredibly strong! You’re doing the right thing by not letting your anger take over and sending him a reply. I would be so tempted but you’re right by saying one day your children will hear what happened and you want to show them how strong you’ve been.

The fact he’s not fought harder for you and your 3 year old and your baby is devastating and shows how he really feels. No one can justify what he did but how he’s acting right now really shows you the type of person he is.!