I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

OP I wish I'd had half your strength when this happened to me.

I found so many women both on here and in real life propped me up in those early days. I didn't want to tell people what I was going through from some misconstrued idea that it was shameful on me. I wished I'd realised it was all on him and allowed people in and to help me sooner.

There are so great posts in relation to practical stuff already but just wanted to say you've got this.You sound incredible and your little ones are lucky they have you.

I don't believe the OP made any mistake. It's all on the piece of crap that she loved and trusted.

Jeez some people really need to read the fucking room.
Do you really think that now is the time to pick apart what his state of mind is or whether he is suffering or what contributed to his behaviour?
OP is fire fighting right now, she needs to be able to deal with the immediate task of trying to deal with her life being pulled apart. The time for processing it all is much later when she’s far more than 24 hours out of her marriage.

Ladies, unfortunately it's not that unusual. My brother went through IVF with his wife, then left her for his affair partner 1 week after the positive pregnancy test.

OP, sending so much love. 12 years later my friend (ex SIL) & niece are truly happy, & have been for a long while. You will be too, I promise you.

Why did you trust him so much? Also not leaving phone around you.
I hope you have learned from this for the future.

It seems you like kicking people when they’re down. You might mean well but your timing is wrong and your tone self-righteous.

@Waffletots

You are incredible, don't ever forget it. Your strength is formidable and please look after yourself as much as possible during this time.

Whatever you ultimately decide, as has been mentioned here previously; please take out all the joint account funds. And place it in a new account under your name. Get some legal advice asap. Pay those bills manually with those funds via bank transfer, standing order with references etc, keep a note of when they are due and ensure they're paid on time. Yes it means being a bit more vigilant. But trust me, that's preferable to the alternative.

He gets an injunction to freeze that account or he drains it himself and decides not to pay the bills as he's got to secure a new home now.

You absolutely need to be in the driving seat on this. If you can't face it, get your family to assist with it asap so that come time for the birth you aren't further stressed.

Keep records of whatever you are doing in this regard and do not touch those funds other than for the purposes they were originally deposited in that account for. You are entirely entitled to do this.

The only issue any court would have with you draining those accounts is if you took the funds out and denied having them and sought to hide them and put both of you in further debt. If you can easily demonstrate to a solicitor or a court that you felt the need to secure those funds for their ongoing intended purpose ie. mortgage, bills, etc and they are still paying those off, then there's no issue.

So please don't worry about doing it, because you're appointed solicitor will seek to secure an interim arrangement anyway. So whatever you do, know it's a temporary step to cover your security, especially seeing as you are so close to having your baby.

It's possible that the shit, your DH could put a freezing injunction on that account. But that depends if he is very financially minded or not at the moment. But as he now knows the OW has dropped him in it, and you have family around, he knows that it's unlikely he's going to successfully change your mind any time soon, if ever. And make no mistake, one thing these types of men generally hate more than anything in these scenarios is losing control of the situation. His silence could mean he's now planning to protect himself financially. He does after all now need to secure a place to live and that will cost a lot at short notice.

You need to put yourself first. Wishing you OP and your loved ones all the best during this difficult time. You will get through this. xx

I don't either. Just replying to the muppet who is victim blaming but pretending they aren't.

How can this comment ever mean well? It's done.

It's more than a couple. The site has been populated by those types for the past five years at least.

Oh and ignore the people saying that your husbands silence is suspicious. It’s just you have blind sided him. He obviously planned to have you at home and his affair partner on the side and now you’ve upset all his plans.

So he will just be working out his cover story, where he’s going to stay, seeing a solicitor etc. I’m guessing that his mistress doesn’t want him to move in with her.

It’s pretty hard to come up with a version of events that doesn’t make him look like a total shit for cheating on his heavily pregnant wife . So he will have to work hard on his creativity.

I bet you a tenner that his story will be something like

“ We’ve been unhappy for years , she neglected me since our first child was born. I didn’t want another child but she forced me / lied to me about being on the pill / stole my sperm from a used condom.

It wasn’t an affair, It was just a one night stand with a colleague who showed me the first love and understanding I’ve had in years, and of course my wife has blown it all out of proportion .

“I begged her to let me stay , for the sake of our unborn child but her and her evil family just want my money.”

but yes it’s a tough one to spin.

Of course the fashionable option this week is “ I’m autistic “ ( because obviously all autistic people are sleeze bags / sex pests / cheaters and don’t know right from wrong ) 😡😡😡😡😡🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

OP I'm sure you are too busy to read all these posts right now, but I wanted to say how much I admire your ability to deal with this so calmly. If this happened to me I would be collapsed in a sobbing ball of self pity.

You are at least fortunate in not having to deal with denials or pleading for forgiveness.

He planned another baby while actively having an affair.

Not so long ago,I read something on MN about a man who actively planned a baby with his wife, whilst having an affair, with the thought that having a small baby would make his wife far less able to move on quickly, and therefore still be available if his fling didn’t work out. Needless to say it all backfired on him, but what a cruel plan.

Just read what your brother said to him - epic! So good that your family completely has your back.

I sincerely hope that the husband in this situation is utterly devastated and doesn’t have a clue what to do.

I hope he loathes the ow for what she has now done. I hope he can’t stand the sight of her.

I hope the ow makes his life a misery at work and brings a level of awkward and discomfort to his life that he never knew existed.

I hope he caves in and realises that he’s fucked as far as his wife is concerned, so rather than be on his own, ends up with the ow, the person who ‘he thinks’ destroyed his life and has to feign happiness and contentment and pretend this is what he wanted. Meanwhile watching his wife and children living life without him and eventually welcoming a lovely man into their lives, who will treat op like a princess.

And finally I hope their lives are blighted by distrust, paranoia and resentment and that he never realises that he brought this on himself and blames the ow instead.

I don’t think I’ve ever wished that much misery on people before, but I do feel it’s deserved.

You’ll be ok op. It’ll be hard to begin with, but you are clearly a really strong lady and you should be very very proud of yourself.

So sorry you find yourself here. There is a (very short) novel by the late screenwriter Nora Ephron called Heartburn based on her true life experience of discovering her (famous) husband was cheating on her when she was very heavily pregnant. She is a comic writer so the book is very funny in places but also quite wise I think. Probably not just now, but when you are in the right mood/place, you might find some solidarity in sharing her experience. I have personally found it quite helpful.

Don't think so. It clearly says on the first thread if you read.

I've had to restrain myself. I got my account temporarily locked for T hunting on a previous occasion.

I'll bet his blood ran cold when he saw the brother with bag in hand!

I’m not sure if someone else has already suggested this, but please get an STI test done.

I am not victim blaming. But if you read the first thread there are several lines from the OP where she mentions signs that have been overlooked. Obviously what's done is done now and the damage he caused is irreversible.

He does deserve the worst and karma is bitch. I do find his silence suspicious I have to say

To clarify: I didn't think that it counted as T hunting, but apparently using the T word was enough. I'm assuming that the person concerned reported me.

The brother is a legend, so pleased OP has such good people taking care of her.

I know someone who on the day she returned from hospital with a newborn baby she had a message on her answerphone from a woman congratulating her DH on the birth of HER baby.
The bastard had been having an affair, the OW had her baby in the same hospital as my friend, on the same day and was actually on the same ward but in a different room.
It’s unbelievable what some scummy men are capable of.

To suggest she expend the tiniest little bit of her energy on concern on this waste of space of a male, is just ridiculous.

I haven't suggested she do that, I've suggested she offload that responsibility onto someone he knows, so she can concentrate on what she needs to do. So you aren't understanding what you are reading at all. I've offered a suggestion that she tell his parents or a close friend of his what has happened, so they can be responsible for him in case he may do something stupid, reason being, it is not OPs burden to bear right now, I don't give a shit about him or his mental health, he deserves everything he gets, I think that is where you are getting confused. but IMO OP shouldn't be the one burdened with it, that's for other people to pick up the pieces now, HIS family, HIS friends, and certainly not OP, but if he is too cowardly to tell them then I think OP should IMO.

You saying "She needs to concentrate on herself without giving that prick a second thought!" doesn't actually mean she can you know, or you should make her feel bad for not being able to do that straight away, everyone is different when it comes to trauma, there's no right or wrong answer to what you do or how you feel in the aftermath of it, it's all part of the healing process.

You don't seem to understand, so there's no point keep replying to me.