I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

@Tiedtoatwat at 17.04 👍

OP i'm so sorry that this has happened to you, hopefully you're being supported by your family x

Someone on another thread where the wife was cheated on keeps coming in with helpful comments along these lines. (Kept urging the wife to think about "her part", etc.)

Methinks that a couple of mean, bored individuals have latched onto Mumsnet.

You've got one heck of a family, OP. I'm so glad about that.

Your children have the same thing in you - you are an amazing mother. The decisions you're making now, in the midst of so much pain and hurt, are gifts from you, to them, for their whole lives.

Not even an attempt to say sorry or apologise in any way for what he's done to you and the kids? What an arsehole he is.

Thank goodness for your wonderful, wonderful family OP.

Very good advice @Waffletots
Your head will be spinning at the solicitors so having someone with you will be very beneficial.

I really, really think that you should stop posting. The OP does NOT need anyone feeding any baseless bleating about 'is the man okay, tho?'

She's got plenty to handle and someone planting this crap in her mind is just not fair.

Please empty the joint account as he may take the money. This silence is really suspicious. Also I believe you overlooked a lot of signs. I mean he was absent on most weekends and you didn't think anything? You've been blindsided. Why did you trust him so much? Also not leaving phone around you.

I hope you have learned from this for the future

I have serious admiration and respect for your dignity OP.
Your H might see himself as someone set up by OW to walk into a trap last night, disgraced by a wife who had the proof and power he thought he’d held and calmly and efficiently ejected by another male. How humiliating this must have been for him. I wonder if today he’s been tearing a strip off OW who has woken up to his lies as she claimed.
His sordid, exciting, duplicitous life where he was loved by two women he never imagined would collaborate and where he believed himself clever and powerful has been exposed and trashed.
Would I care if he has dark thoughts? No. That’s not your responsibility now. It’s his parents’.
Your priorities are yourself, your little ones and the devoted family who are enveloping you in love and support.

Posters are angry on behalf of the OP, even though we don't know her and never will. That is one hell of a kick in the teeth she's just got at a time when she is so vulnerable and emotional already.

The bare idea that a very few people piously opine that she should expend any of her no doubt already fragile energy on a man who has so callously and cruelly betrayed her, makes me personally quite incandescent.

She cannot influence any of his choices. If she could have, we wouldn't be here. If this man wanted to do anything untoward, nobody would stop him. And I am furious that some of you think it's ok to put this on a brave and lovely lady whose life has been torn to shreds in the space of 24 hours. It's actually evil. How dare anyone try to place that burden on her?! A man who has lied and cheated for a year, a man who has got his wife pregnant while also screwing another woman, a man who walked away last night without so much as checking on the welfare of his wife and young child???

On your bike. That man thinks too much of himself to do anything stupid. And even if he did, it has got nothing remotely to do with the OP.

It's a ludicrous suggestion. The OP needs every ounce of energy for all that lies ahead for herself and her little family.

Pack it in with the victim blaming. What's the point of marrying if you can't trust your spouse?

I don't know the legalities of this but maybe an option is to pay some of your joint bills in advance from the joint account so you don't have to worry about them for a few months.

Lovely victim blaming. Get a bloody grip.

This is good advice. The issue with a joint acount is that women tend to think they have a right to half of it. Whereas in fact you both own all of it. So while women are wondering if it would be mean / nasty / escalate things to take out half of it, their husband / partner takes out all of it . And they have no money to pay the bills.

It’s All very well someone saying that will be accounted for in the divorce. Yes it will if you are lucky but that could be years down the line. Meanwhile the local authority will pass your case to debt collectors within a few weeks of you not paying your council tax bill and your mortgage company will be chasing you for this months payment.

So Id move all the money now, so you can keep a roof over your children’s heads while you are on maternity leave.

And yes you must contact the child maintenance service right now to calculate mainetenance for your existing child. It will make it quicker to add your new baby when they are born . They won’t back date it so do it now, lots of mums miss out because they are waiting to see if their husband will agree.

It doesn’t costs anything ( bar £10 to register ) and as long as he pays you on time he won’t get any money deduced . Going via CMS means that it will be updated every year, instead of you trying to guess if he’s had a pay rise and then begging him for more.

Do bills get paid from this account? If you have alot there, then take out some but leave enough for 1 month worth of bills?
So sorry OP, but I think you will do very well without him.

I couldn't agree more. It's not fair at all. In fact I think it's terrible and cruel actually. Completely lacking in empathy for the lady who has been let down so spectacularly at this late stage in her pregnancy, in the mouth of Christmas, with a little one to care for.

I know what that spineless pos shit deserves and it's absolutely not concern for his wellbeing. Shit floats. He'll be fine.

I don't think anyone has been aggressive but I do think posters are rightly appalled that you're blatantly implying if he does anything to himself and she hasn't checked in on him, she will feel responsible. Utterly shameful of you to heap that kind of pressure on an already vulnerable woman.

It's not victim blaming at all. Her husband is a piece of crap. However, as adults we ought to learn from our mistakes and protect ourselves from any future potential situations.
I wish OP the best for her birth. Her focus is herself and the baby now

Ps all of there charming, too good to be true men seem to have a second personality! Talking from bitter experience

Stay strong, bad days are ahead but you'll come thru it all!! Thinking of you

Were you there? Do you know what "signs" were "overlooked"???

Why would she not "trust him so much"? Isn't that the basis of most marriages?

What a murky little mind you must have.

Hopefully the cheating bastard has jumped under a bus.

How do you know she hasn't learnt from the mistake she didn't make? She has probably learnt to prioritise herself more and that people can lie and cheat and be mean while appearing kind, loving and thoughtful.

But still, just back off.

For fuck's sake, it's only been literally hours!! How pious and condescending can you get - "learn from our mistakes"? I think @Waffletots is doing great to get through from one day to the next. She's not facing into "future potential situations"!!

Read your posts out loud to yourself and see if you can comprehend how it comes across!